


To Hell and back

by Sylencia



Series: Noctis' Inferno [1]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Basically Noctis is a wreck, Being Lost, Blow Jobs, Cemetery, Come Eating, Confusion, Depression, Destiny, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Edgeplay, Fluff and Smut, Hallucinations, Hook-Up, I didnt know how to tag it but someone's dead, Lost Love, M/M, Memory Loss, More tags as I go, NyxNoct in the background, Orgy, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Praise Kink, Vomiting, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 21:03:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 47,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13644402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylencia/pseuds/Sylencia
Summary: There are times when life is tough but things can be handled still. But there are other times when one can never be strong enough. Noctis wasn't strong enough when he lost her and now, his life is a mess. But he loves it. He really does.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys :D
> 
> So .. This. I don't know how to describe this thing, I just had to write it after I listened to one precise song for too long. Song is "Habits (stay high)" by Tove Lo.
> 
> Anyways, this thing is .. kinda dark, as you can see in the tags. There will be 5 chapters (4 + the epilogue) and two sequels are ready as well. Will publish on Sundays and tags will be added as I go !
> 
> Enjoy!

Insomnia during the day was a town for tourists. They came and went, visiting the beautiful places the town had to offer them. Most of them only came for the Citadel, its double towers reaching high in the sky, its many windows always shining in the sun and darkened when the weather was overcast. A beautiful sight, even for the inhabitants of the city, who loved to say how ugly it was, but secretly liked to look up at it and smile, once in a while. That they would never admit though.  
  
At night, however, the city transformed. The megalopolis never slept. Bars were opened all night long, most streets were always animated. It never slept, at all and clubs were open every nights of the week, allowing people to go out as much as they wanted, or needed.  
  
That was why Noctis loved his city so much. Born and raised in one of the richest neighborhood of Insomnia, the young man had spent most of his life in the comfort of the city, he had known its private schools and its beautiful parks. He had known the classy cars roaming the streets and the fancy restaurants his father would take him to and he had enjoyed all of it while it lasted.  
  
But for the last three months, Noctis had discovered another side of his city. The side he always had ignored, the one he had called rotten, in the past. The one he had all but avoided, for twenty four years and now? Now he lived there and he was enjoying every pleasure it had to offer him.  
  
It started with going to one of his favorite clubs. Far from the fancy restaurants he had known all his life, this one was disgusting. The building had been a beautiful one, some time ago. Probably. One of these old buildings of white stones, with high ceilings decorated with mouldings and hardwood flooring. A fancy thing that had fallen to the darkness, just like him.  
  
Noctis sometimes couldn’t recognize himself but he had stopped caring. He’d look at his reflection in the mirror of his tiny place and he’d wonder if this was truly him, he’d ask himself what had happened for him to fall that hard but he’d remember and he’d need another shot.  
  
It was hard, for Noctis, to realize it had been three months already since that terrible night. Three months of night terrors and terrible nightmares but he had found the perfect way to ignore them and to tame them. Every time he’d wake up, Noctis would add a little line on the paper sheet resting on the pillow beside his, he’d count these lines, sometimes but tonight, when he woke up and he counted ninety, Noctis stilled and he stared at it for a long time.  
  
Ninety days since he’d lost the love of his life. Ninety days since he had lost Luna.  
  
Lunafreya and him had been friends since they were kids. They grew up together. From kindergarten to college, they were always together, almost always in the same class, and it had taken Noctis all his courage and the help of his friends to finally dare asking her out on a date. He had hesitated for so long, thinking she might only see him as a friend, or as a brother, since it had been so long they knew each other but she didn’t hesitate when she answered yes. She looked up at him, happiness in the eyes, a wide smile on her lips and she said yes.  
  
Three years later, when he asked her to marry him, Luna gave him the same look, the same smile and it had been the most beautiful day of both their lives.  
  
They lived together from that day, and for five months, in a nice apartment that belonged to his father. A beautiful flat with two bedrooms and Noctis had been certain his father was going to give it to them as a wedding gift, as they both loved it so much. Noctis still had most of his stuff there, including his phone and his clothes. And the keys were somewhere, probably under his current bed. But he couldn’t go there anymore. He couldn’t, it held too many memories and he could see her everywhere.  
  
But Luna wasn’t there anymore and she would never be again.  
  
Three months ago, as he was driving back from the restaurant they had dinner in, a car ran a red light and smashed into the side of their car. Because of the impact, Noctis lost consciousness for a couple of seconds, as his head hit the side window. When he opened his eyes again, he saw the horror of Luna’s broken body. Covered in blood, her beautiful summer dress soaking in carmin liquid, her leg and arm folded at unnatural angles and shards of glass stuck in her side. And her beautiful blue eyes had been fixed on him, looking at him even if she wasn’t breathing anymore and Noctis could never forget it, he could never get that image off of his head.  
  
At the beginning, at least. Now? Despite his dreams, he had found a way to do that quite well.  
  
Ninety days and yet it felt just like yesterday that the medics had pulled him out of the car, his body totally limp, devoid of any strength. “He’s in shock,” he had heard someone say in the background and Noctis didn’t have the prowess to snort at that. Because he was beyond shock, in a state way past that. It was as if he had been watching the whole scene from outside of his body and without knowing how, Noctis found himself in an ambulance and someone, a guy without a face told him Luna hadn’t made it. That they were taking him to the hospital to treat him, that he had been lucky because despite the violence of the collision, he was in a physically good shape. No broken bones. A concussion, scratches because of broken glass but nothing more.  
  
“Lucky,” Noctis had repeated but it had felt like the person talking wasn’t him. Even now, Noctis didn’t feel lucky. Part of him had died with Luna. The other had wanted to die with her.  
  
The funeral came, Noctis had been allowed to assist it and he didn’t cry. He heard someone, Prompto, maybe, say he still was in shock, that this was normal and Prompto hugged him for what seemed to be hours but Noctis could barely feel him, he could barely see the terribly sorry smile he was forcing despite the tears running endlessly down his freckled cheeks.  
  
Noctis didn’t cry. Not even once. Something had broken inside him, something that should have been giving him hell until now, something that should have made him cry until he couldn’t breath anymore. He never cried for her and he ran away because it was all he had the courage to do. Run away from his father, from his friends who were trying so hard to help him, from the shrink he had been asked to see. He didn’t run far, he didn’t even leave the city, after all but Insomnia was big and he was far enough for them not to find him again.  
  
The first night Noctis left the disgusting, cramped room that now was the place he was living in, was a revelation. He had felt so empty, after Luna’s death but he discovered so many new sensations with each new night out. The smoke burning his lungs and the powder ruining his nose and the strong alcohols running down his gullet and cocks buried up his ass so far he couldn’t remember what his name was. Paying for all this wasn’t difficult, he had taken a lot of money with him, enough for him to eat and pay for his room and his new passions. Sensations, at last and it was all Noctis wanted now. To feel alive again, to feel anything at all and everything at the same time.  
  
Tonight would be one of these nights too. Just like the eighty something ones that preceded it. It was early, still, so early but music already was booming in the club and Noctis would have only a short amount of time to get properly drunk before he could hunt for what he needed tonight. The bartender knew him, he didn’t have to pay right away. They trusted him to pay for his drinks once in a week because he sometimes threw big bills in, to thank him for the service. Noctis probably doubled his pay in tips and the bartender wasn’t going to complain.  
  
Vodka never was his favorite drink, Noctis was more than willing to admit it as he grimaced while drinking. It was sour and nauseating. But it was exactly what he needed to get smashed as quickly as possible. A dozen of shots to begin with would do the trick and help him relax after yet another restless night, one he wanted to forget as quickly as he could. He didn’t take a pause between each of them, swallowing them as quickly as possible and he’d hold himself on the counter, because the world would then go so wobbly around him and his legs were going to feel like cotton. Three months he was drunk every night and yet, the first shots still had such an effect on him. Noctis hoped it would fade soon, so he could enjoy their other effects.  
  
But they followed quickly. His muscles relaxed, his mind lightened and Noctis was able to smile through the haze of the alcohol. First step accomplished and he could now stand and forget about everything for the night. His whole body tickled now, with a sensation he had grown to love. Right in time, Noctis realized as the other regulars of the club where arriving. Noctis smiled at some of them, they smiled back, a knowing glee in their eyes and soon, the proper party began.  
  
To say Noctis used to be an introvert, too self-conscious to dance was an understatement. Never before Luna’s death did Noctis ever dance, not even for a slow with her. It felt always so awkward, worried he might step on her feet or do something he shouldn’t. Luna did ask him to dance once in a while and he’d given in because he loved her too much to say no but she would never force him to continue for longer than a song and Noctis had been happy to see how much she respected his awkwardness.  
  
Now ? Noctis joined the crowd with sheer pleasure, dancing in ways that probably could be seen as lewd and sexual, with his arms above his head waving with the beat of the music and leaning against other people. They’d lean against him too anyways and the whole pack of them quickly resembled a mass of indistinct bodies. Like they only were one person anymore, following the same rhythm of the music, the same movements and Noctis loved it. He loved to forget himself in this kind of places, he loved to forget the boundaries of his body and just let his mind float in the middle of them, eyes closed and lips parted.  
  
Sometimes, one of his ‘friends’ would pass him something to smoke, sometimes someone would kiss him and it was good. It was all good.  
  
It was only when alcohol started to fade from his system that Noctis looked around. The stroboscopes always flashing around him only allowed him to see snippets of the people surrounding him, of bodies pressed against each other in the crowded club and Noctis made his way toward the bar, for his second round of shots. Another dozen, as he was used to the sensation now, the bartender always serving him first despite how many people were asking him for drinks. He never forgot about the great tips Noctis would always give him and he wasn’t going to disappoint. The boy was a mess but he was doubling his pay, after all.  
  
Noctis drank his shot in silence, eyes unfocused but his mind floating above him again, lulled by the strong bass of the song and the singer’s voice. It was his favorite moment, for now, when he could just stop moving and stop thinking at the same time, enjoying himself to the core and the burning sensation of the vodka down his throat. A moment of peace, really but it wasn’t going to last and Noctis blinked, he looked at his trembling hands and he closed his eyes.  
  
His body was asking for more, now and needed his dose more and more often. All his life, his previous life, at least, he had been unable to understand how could someone lose control so much they’d fall into drugs and ruin themselves with them. Now ? Now, Noctis was welcoming them with opened arms and the feel of the small bundle in his jeans’ pocket was soothing. He couldn’t go out without it, after all and Noctis abandoned his last shot, to make his way toward the men’s bathroom, he made sure no one was inside before he locked himself in a stall and he pulled the bundle from his pocket.  
  
The white powder seemed to gleam under the light of the stall. It looked like the most attractive thing ever, right now, and his trembling hands really weren’t helping but Noctis slowly, carefully took off the elastic closing the bundle, he poured some on the metallic toilet paper dispenser and used an old credit card he kept on him just for this to create his lines. He didn’t have much anymore, he was going to make it last until he could see his dealer again and Noctis hoped he wouldn’t fall dry. It happened in the past, once, a couple of weeks ago. It was Hell. Proper Hell.  
  
Snorting coke wasn’t the most enjoyable sensation but Noctis didn’t care. All he wanted was its effects and once he was done, he let himself slide against the stall’s door, he closed his eyes and placed his index under his nostrils, just in case. It wasn’t often that his nose would start bleeding but he couldn’t be cautious enough, after all.  
  
Slowly, as it started to act on his body, his hands stopped shaking and he felt himself fly properly. And he had to kept his eyes closed for a moment, as he knew they’d be quite sensitive to the light now, burning with the stroboscope flashes back in the main room of the club but it was alright. Everything was fine, now, everything was just like he wanted.  
  
The bathroom was empty, when Noctis eventually left his stall, after making sure his bundle was secured in his pocket and he wasn’t bleeding nor had powder on his nose. The club’s owner once caught him getting properly smashed in here and had almost thrown him out but Noctis paid for his stay and told him he would be more careful next time. And the guy had been quite aware of the amount of money Noctis was spending each time he was coming so he let it slide for that one time. There wouldn’t be a next time, though.  
  
Again, Noctis couldn’t recognize his face in his reflection. Eyes hidden behind far too long bangs, cheek a little hollow now. One meal a day couldn’t be enough but Noctis already had to force himself to eat at least that. He had heard once that coke could act as an appetite suppressant. Eating felt gross most of the time anyways. And his body always had been quite scrawny so that didn’t change much. Only his cheeks did. And his eyes. His eyes entirely too expressive despite the void in his heart, always a little teary for no reasons at all, highlighted with dark circles and red as if he was forcing back sobs. But Noctis didn’t want to cry. He never did feel like crying, not even after Luna’s death. It wasn’t going to change now.  
  
Tonight, like most of the nights, he wore a pair of dark jeans with worn out boots and a tank top with a random pattern or image he had found in his new flat. He had left without anything but money, after all and buying new clothes wasn’t appealing. These probably were the previous occupant’s but he never came to grab them, the flat’s owner said and Noctis was free to wear them if he wanted.  
  
Noctis liked these clothes enough. And they fitted his body.  
  
Noctis splashed some fresh water on his face before he joined the crowd again. Now, the real fun could start again. He had his alcohol, his coke, an acquaintance of his gave him a cigaret to smoke as he walked past her and there was only one thing he needed more. A cock to ride, hopefully for the night.  
  
If he had to be honest, Noctis never was attracted to men before. Well, he never was attracted to anyone besides Luna, which made her even more special than she already was to him. He had gone through puberty with little to no interest for other girls and for guys either. Watching porn was boring and masturbation ? Overrated, he kept thinking. Making love with Luna had changed his point of view about the whole thing, Noctis had to admit it. He had found pleasure in making her feel so good, with making her squirm and giggle and moan her pleasure.  
  
But the first time he caught a guy’s attention was something else. It had been in a club much like this one, when it happened. He had been dancing, maybe two or three weeks after Luna’s death and that guy came to him and kissed him just out of the blue. Noctis had been quite surprised, at first but the alcohol and the drugs told him to just go with it and to enjoy himself.  
  
Not even five minutes later, Noctis found himself locked in a stall with that guy, kneeling in front of him and a cock pushing against the back of his throat and making him gag. Noctis couldn’t say he didn’t like it. The feel of submission, as that guy was fucking his mouth senseless, a hand buried into his hair and his eyes locked with his, as he was grunting his pleasure. It didn’t last long, Noctis soon felt him shoot semen in his mouth and on his tongue and he swallowed it all because, at this point, why not ?  
  
He remembered well the way that guy crouched down to give him a gentle kiss on the lips, thanking him with such gentleness that Noctis couldn’t help but smile. It had been his first time sucking a cock and he had done good, it seemed ? At least, the guy had seemed so happy and Noctis loved every moment of it.  
  
Noctis soon realized how much he loved praises, to be told he was doing good. And how much he loved sucking cocks.  
  
It was the same guy who fucked him for the first time. Not in the toilet stall and Noctis was almost thankful for that but the guy took him to his place, somewhere not far from the club and they spent a lot of time making out on his bed, just touching each other, enjoying each other’s body and Noctis dared saying it would be his first time with a man. And that guy he didn’t know for more than his body smiled, caressing his face and he assured him that he’d be gentle.  
  
Nyx Ulric was his name and he had been perfect for his first time with a man. Noctis loved to meet him, from times to times and they didn’t need more than a look to find themselves in each other’s company, kissing, touching and later fucking at Nyx’s place. Noctis couldn’t say they were more than fuck buddies, as they didn’t have each other’s number, they didn’t see each other for anything but a good fuck but he was fond of the man. And he had taken the habit to sleep in his bed, cuddled against Nyx. Also, Nyx always offered food and he was a good enough cook.  
  
But Nyx wasn’t here tonight, Noctis realized as he looked around. Some faces were familiar, Noctis recalled them as if he had seen them in some sort of a dream before, never certain he had been awake but no Nyx and it was such a shame. Because Nyx was one hell of a lover, he always knew how to handle him, always knew how to fuck him properly until Noctis was nothing else but a mess of whimpering limbs on his bed, begging for release and his balls already empty. Nyx knew how to give him multiple orgasms, how to give him dry ones and Noctis would pay him for it if he could. Nyx deserved every prizes in the world for this.  
  
Fine, Noctis told himself as he resumed his dancing, ignoring the soft deception of his body. He was going to find someone else and it couldn’t be as good as with Nyx but he’d make do. Maybe he’d be able to fuck with several guys through the night ? That was what he usually did. Every night of the week, he’d take as many lovers as he could until he was too sore to sit and he’d pray for his ass to feel better for the next day. It always worked and rare were the nights when Noctis didn’t find a good enough fuck.  
  
The pounding of his heart, following the quick rhythm of the beat and the bass around him made Noctis smile, as he was dancing again, eyes closed. He was properly sweating now, adding to the damp atmosphere of the club, his shirt was going to need a proper cleaning this time, in his shower tub but Noctis couldn’t care less. He was too light, to care for anything at all, tonight, too content and he was feeling almost happy. Just like every time the cocaine was starting to hit his system full blast.  
  
Noctis didn’t know for how long he danced. Was it five minutes or five hours ? He didn’t care either, he was too focused on the music, always so similar to the previous one but always the same heavy beat and it felt like one long song that only ended when the club would close. Days already were hard to tell from each other so mere hours ? Impossible.  
  
One thing was sure, though, there were hands on his body and a hard cock against his ass. He was dancing with someone, maybe. Or, rather, someone was dancing with him, holding tight on his hips and coaxing him to move with even more lascive waves of the hips, that cock almost digging into his butt as he was doing so. There was a mouth against the crook of his neck, Noctis moaned when he felt teeth but he didn’t want to open his eyes just yet, he wanted to just enjoy the moment and to feel that other person, whoever it might be.  
  
But there was something he could feel. Eyes on him. Entirely too focused on him. There always was someone watching him, people who didn’t come here often enough to be used to his behavior and they’d stare and Noctis basked under their attention. And he sometimes enjoyed looking back at them and see the pity in their eyes. Because they had no idea how good he was feeling, they had no idea what kind of hell would welcome him if he wasn’t doing all this. They’d pity him even more, if only they knew.  
  
Noctis was curious now and he eventually opened his eyes, he looked around, still moaning under the more than confident hands on his body and his eyes locked on a guy at the bar. The kind of guy that didn’t belonged here. He was wearing some fancy clothes, even if they weren’t a suit, a nice coat and a stupid fedora hat. Had no one ever told him how lame that was ? But it looked good on him, Noctis had to admit it. The guy was hot and he was carefully watching him, leaning against the bar and a pint of beer in his hand. And was it a smile on his full lips ? No pity in his eyes, though. None at all and Noctis snorted, he winked at him and closed his eyes again, reaching out for the guy behind him, still grinding his ass against that probably painful cock and liking it even more now he knew someone was enjoying the show he was making of himself.  
  
Some guys liked to watch, after all.  
  
Noctis continued dancing, pulling a fistful of hair from the guy behind him, making him groan in pain but the guy answered by trailing a hand down his belly until he could cup his ball and slowly massage them over his jeans. Now, that felt quite good, Noctis told himself as he leant into the touch and he sighed, as pleasure was slowly building inside his intoxicated body, as the sensations he was searching for were coming back. And he had to glance at that other guy at the bar, to make sure he was enjoying the show, to make sure he liked what he was seeing too and Noctis almost frowned when he noticed that the guy wasn’t looking anymore. He was speaking with other people, laughing, his glass near his lips and it was obvious he knew them, with the way he was leaning toward them and they were answering with the same lack of awkwardness.  
  
So much for that, Noctis thought, rolling his eyes. But he was going to keep an eye on that guy, just in case. He didn’t look too gay but then again, his radar wasn’t really accurate for now. Maybe he’d be lucky and end up in that guy’s bed, somehow ?  
  
The one behind his back started to become a little bolder, trying to slide a hand under his trousers, this time and Noctis slapped it. He was fine with touching while he was in public because it was almost a normal thing here. It was tolerated over clothes, after all, he never was called out for it and he wasn’t the only one to do so. But under the clothes ? Now, that was something else and that guy was going to have to wait for that.  
  
The answer to his slap was a hard bite on his neck and Noctis yelped, elbowing the guy away. It wasn’t enough to keep him away, it seemed, he soon forced his hand down his pants, grabbing his cock almost painfully, Noctis trashed against him and was answered with nails digging into his skin as the man held his chest so he’d stop moving at all.  
  
It didn’t last. Noctis fought back the best he could, because there still was a hint of decency in him but the guy was strong. Yet it stopped, quickly and Noctis had to open his eyes when an arm caught him as gently as possible when his assaulter’s weren’t there to hold him anymore. No more nails hurting his skin, nor hand on his cock and it was good enough.  
  
He then let himself be led away from the dancefloor, to one of the private little salons, the ones that were barely used anymore because the club’s usual clients didn’t come to chat and Noctis breathed out slowly, as he came back to the little senses he still had, he pushed himself away from that other person and he rubbed his face. It wasn’t the first time he had to be saved from that kind of things but the help usually came from the club’s bouncers. The bartender called them when he saw anything remotely non-consensual around him.  
  
It wasn’t a bouncer standing in front of him right now, Noctis realized when he was able to properly stand again, his heart pounding and his hands a little shaky. It was Fedora Guy and he was looking at him expectantly, concern in his eyes.  
  
“Thanks,” Noctis told him, leaning against the dusty table of the little salon, trying to breath properly. The music wasn’t as loud here as it was back in the main room of the club so it was a little easier to chat. He didn’t have to shout, at least.  
  
“I couldn’t let that guy continue when you obviously didn’t like what he was doing now, could I ?” the man answered in a tone so teasing Noctis snorted. It was a funny tone, for a stranger to address him and Noctis liked it enough.  
  
Also, he couldn’t deny how hot Fedory Guy was from that close. He was quite older than him, not far from being twice his age, the stubble on his cheeks was giving him a ragged look and he had circles maybe as big as Noctis' under his eyes. Which was a funny thing to notice about a stranger.  
  
“My name is Ardyn,” the guy eventually smiled and Noctis rolled his eyes.  
  
“Noctis,” he stated, taking another good look at the stranger. “Say, Ardyn, you wanna fuck me ?”  
  
Almost immediately, Noctis saw the surprise in Ardyn’s amber eyes, he saw a smile tugging at his lips. Maybe the guy was amused with him, with his behavior but Noctis couldn’t care less right now. Ardyn was hot and there were chances he was gay and it was all that counted for now. Noctis wanted a good fuck and he’d be satisfied if this one could provide. Would be way better than the guy who had been pushing his cock against his ass for the last .. he didn’t even know for how long ? Ardyn had taken him away from that guy and Noctis could trust that kind of guy. He could trust anyone with how smashed he was right now anyways.  
  
“Now, aren’t you one straightforward boy ?” Ardyn answered, chuckling when Noctis rolled his eyes. But he reached out for him still, pulled him gently, giving him the chance to pull back if he wanted and Noctis melted when their lips met.  
  
The kiss was a lust filled one and it made Noctis wonder for how long Ardyn had been watching him. He had been interested, if the look Noctis saw earlier was any hint of it and that kiss was the proof of it. It was deep and sensual and hot as fuck and Noctis moaned into it when Ardyn grabbed his hair almost forcefully to tilt his head just like he wanted. And despite that, despite the force he was putting into the kiss, his other hand was resting gently against the small of his back, over his clothes, without a hint of force. Ardyn would allow him to step back if he wanted to, Noctis figured and it was good enough for him to show trust.  
  
Still, Noctis had to take the man’s stupid hat away, as he wrapped his arms around his neck, it made Ardyn chuckle but the ticklish sensation of his hair against his face made Noctis shiver. This was good, he told himself. More than good.  
  
“What about your friends ?” Noctis asked after a minutes, as they parted for air and Ardyn tilted his head to the side, eyes darkened with lust.  
  
“And an observant one too ?” Ardyn mocked and it made Noctis smile. “Ah, but I’m not their father, am I ? They can take care of themselves.”  
  
Ardyn’s deep tone sent shivers down Noctis’ spine and he quickly nodded, he pulled the man into another kiss and he moaned when Ardyn made him tilt his hips just a little to make him feel his own boner against his belly.  
  
“Let’s find a more .. intimate place,” Ardyn offered, smiling against Noctis’ lips and at how eager he was. “I’ll call a taxi.”  
  
The taxi wasn’t exactly just a taxi. It suspiciously looked like a fancy car with a personal driver, something really luxurious but Noctis ignored how familiar it felt, when he climbed at the back of the car and saw the tinted window between them and the driver, and the leather saddlery. The car started as soon as they were seated, making Noctis wonder what the hell might someone like Ardyn do in a club as gross as this one but he didn’t let these thoughts distract him from what truly counted here. He soon crawled on top of Ardyn’s lap, to kiss him again and Ardyn answered by grabbing his ass with pleasure.  
  
Ardyn’s hair under his fingers was the smoothest, silkiest thing Noctis had touched for the past few weeks. A wonder, really and it made him question Ardyn’s presence in that club even more than before but Noctis eventually decided he didn’t care. The man’s kisses were too distracting anyways, his nice lips against his, his tongue in his mouth, always so perfectly moving against his, in a way Noctis couldn’t help but find both sexy and luscious. It was like a treat, at this point, making Noctis shiver hard, making him want for more. Because if this guy was as skilled with his tongue, Noctis wanted the whole rest of him. And he wanted that tongue on his cock too.  
  
The man’s hands on his butt shifted, Ardyn pulled him closer and Noctis didn’t wait long when he understood what Ardyn wanted. He tilted his hips in that perfect motion he had learned in the past few weeks, rolling them in a slow motion just like when he was dancing, until their respective painful boner touched, despite the so many clothes still between the two of them, giving the two of them enough friction to moan in the kiss. Ardyn’s was more than a groan but he reacted to the same sensation anyways and soon, the man’s mouth was on his shoulder and Noctis closed his eyes, panting and he shivered hard.  
  
But at this point, Noctis didn’t know if it came from the pleasure he was feeling of having Ardyn’s mouth working wonders on his neck, kissing it, biting and sucking on it, or if he was starting to experience the withdrawal symptoms. There was no clock in the car, not that he could see at least and Ardyn wasn’t even wearing a watch. Had it been that long since his last dose already ? It didn’t matter, Noctis thought. He’d make sure to take the next at Ardyn’s place, discreetly enough and it would be good.  
  
Still, Noctis moaned harder when Ardyn licked a line along his throat, to his chin, he shuddered against the man, wondering if he was going to just climax like that and he sighed. This was good. So good. Ardyn was attentive, he was listening to his moans. Maybe he’d be able to fuck him properly. It was promising, at least. And Noctis didn’t move, when the top button of his jeans was unclasped, nor when Ardyn slid his hand down his pants immediately, first giving his cock a few strokes, just for the pleasure to make him whimper. His hand then moved to his butt again, the tip of Ardyn’s middle finger circling his entrance without any form of hesitation.  
  
“Mh,” Noctis hummed, his eyes closing and placing his forehead against Ardyn’s. “Eager ?”  
  
The teasing made Ardyn laugh, he poked the tip of his finger inside him, just enough to make Noctis want to beg for more, but not daring to push it deeper without lube. “With such a cute boy willing to fuck with me ? How can’t I be eager ?”  
  
“Am I that cute ?” Noctis cooed, opening his eyes again and diving into Ardyn’s, his heart beating fast in his chest.  
  
“A deadly beauty, yes,” Ardyn nodded, resuming the circles around his entrance. “I hope you’re not tired, boy, one round won’t suffice.”  
  
“I’m counting on it,” Noctis laughed and he kissed Ardyn again.  
  
The simplicity of the situation really was hot. It felt as if Noctis was with Nyx, with someone he already knew. Did he fuck with Ardyn in the past and couldn’t remember ? It was unlikely, Ardyn had given his name and he wasn’t treating him with familiarity. But it was good this way. It took the awkwardness and the weird feelings away, it was easy.  
  
The car finally stopped after what felt like hours of making out in the backseat, of Ardyn teasing him with these devilish smiles of his and Noctis was already going crazy with the whole thing, he was ready to climax already and couldn’t wait to feel Ardyn in him, at last. He couldn’t wait to feel that cock, who felt quite nice under his, buried deep inside him and he almost jumped out of the car when the door opened for them, not caring if his jeans were hanging low on his hips because of the still opened button.  
  
Noctis recognized the street when he looked around, waiting for Ardyn to join him on the pavement. They were downtown, not far from the Citadel, he could even see its antennas and the red neons illuminating the night. The tower they stopped by was one of these awfully tall ones, all in steel and glass, just like the Citadel and Ardyn led him inside, a hand on the small of his back and looking as confident as possible. Even to him it was a little intimidating to see Ardyn’s confidence but the night watchman behind his desk near the entrance didn’t even blink at the sight of them. He merely saluted them, politely and he looked away without a second look.  
  
Was he used to see Ardyn bring back younger guys to his place ?  
  
The lift ride was a long one, Noctis knew they weren’t far from the top of the tower when the doors opened. Ardyn had wanted to kiss him again, holding him against the mirror at the back of the lift, his hands still so eager to feel his body and Noctis could have loved it if his own hands weren’t shaking as much as they were. Now, at least he knew he truly needed that dose to make sure the night would go without a problem and he tried not to focused on them too much. He didn’t want Ardyn to see. He didn’t need to know, after all.  
  
The flat was beautiful. As soon as Ardyn opened the door, and made him step in first, Noctis was looking around him with parted lips and a strange, familiar feeling building up in his core. Because he knew this kind of luxury, he had lived in it for his whole life and it felt weird to be taken to such a place after three months spent in his room but he wasn’t going to complain. Ardyn was hot, his place was nice and he was going to get fucked just the way he wanted. Few were the people as lucky as he was tonight.  
  
But his little problem soon grabbed his full attention again and Noctis turned to Ardyn with a small smile.  
  
“You got a bathroom somewhere, big boy ?”  
  
The name made Ardyn chuckle, as he was taking off his coat but he nodded at one of the doors behind Noctis and Noctis didn’t wait to go and lock himself in that bathroom. And it was big. Probably bigger than his current settlement, with dark tilling and a huge bathtub and towels so fluffy Noctis would love to wrap them around his body and only wear them for weeks. But he quickly stopped looking around him and he focused on his current task.  
  
His dose.  
  
It probably was the first time Noctis snorted coke on top of marble but it was glorious. It felt as if he was some heir of a rich family, spending his father’s money in the stupidest things ever, including drugs that were slowly destroying his brain. Oh wait. That was him, wasn’t it ? Exactly him. But it didn’t matter anymore, did it ? He hadn’t seen anyone from his previous life for the last three months and Noctis was fine with it all. He was so better off without them. He was doing so good, now, he was living life at its fullest and he was going to get fucked by some rich guy in need of a boy to satisfy him.  
  
That he could do quite well.  
  
Noctis made sure to flush the toilet and clean his hands (and his nose) properly before he left the bathroom, so Ardyn wouldn’t think he did anything but relieve himself. Ardyn was patiently waiting for him near the floor to ceiling windows of the living room, his hands behind his back. He had taken off his shoes, and Noctis did just that on his way to the man and he moaned when Ardyn turned around, pulled him in his arms and kissed him again. Indeed, Ardyn was eager and Noctis loved it. He was feeling wanted, just now. He was feeling like he had a small place in Ardyn’s life. The illusion of being alive. It was all he wanted anymore.  
  
They made their way to the bedroom. Noctis didn’t truly know if he walked or if Ardyn carried him but at this point, he didn’t care. All he cared for was to feel the comfortable mattress sink just the slightest under his light weight, a little more when Ardyn positioned himself above him, kissing him hard and swallowing his every moans. Noctis parted his legs without shame, for Ardyn to settle between them, he shivered when Ardyn’s hand snaked around his waist in an almost possessive manner. His hand was so hot against his skin, so delightful. Noctis needed more. He needed more of Ardyn’s careful attention.  
  
Most of the time, his partners fucked him senselessly. Most of them didn't bother with taking him to a bedroom, the club's bathroom was more than enough and condoms .. well Noctis preferred without one anyways. The sensations then were so raw, so intense and feeling a cock fill him without a barrier was such a pleasure Noctis didn't even care anymore. He had stopped caring a long time ago. And he usually was too high to even think of the consequences anyways, just like he was tonight.  
  
But that guy ? Ardyn has taken him to his place. To that fancy flat, with his fancy bathroom and his big bed. He wasn't just going to empty his balls deep into his ass, but they were going to have proper sex. As proper as it could be in the state Noctis was now, really.  
  
And oh, how much Noctis loved older guys. They had experience, they knew how to please, how to properly fuck him. He had fucked with guys older than his father in the past weeks and it had been the best moments of his life. Ardyn ? He didn't seem that old but he was hot as hell. It was enough for Noctis.  
  
His dose was starting to act on his senses though, Noctis started to float again, free from his body and he smiled when Ardyn’s hands grabbed his hips and he mouthed at his cock over his clothes. He jerked a little forward too, as he was so close already, he’d beg for it if he was entirely aware of his current state but he saw the look Ardyn shot at him and it made him moan in need.  
  
“What is it, boy ?” Ardyn laughed, then traced the length of his cock with his tongue. “You want me to suck you off ?”  
  
“Please,” Noctis moaned, his hands in his hair and pulling on it. “Please, do something ..”  
  
“Ah, but seeing you like this, on edge already is so funny ..” Ardyn trailed, nuzzling at his cock again, his amber eyes never leaving his and Noctis shuddered. Couldn’t Ardyn undress him, at least ? So he could feel that stubble against his cock ? What wouldn’t he give for that ? What wouldn’t he do just for that kind of feeling ?  
  
“As soon as I saw you,” Ardyn continued to tease, his hot breath sending shivers up Noctis’ spine, “I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Such a cute boy, dancing like there’s no tomorrow.”  
  
“Y-you could have fucked me in the bathroom,” Noctis moaned when Ardyn pinched the base of his cock from over his underwear, preventing him to climax.  
  
“The time when I fucked guys in a dirty club’s stall has passed, I’m afraid,” was Ardyn’s amused answer. “Isn’t my bed of your liking, little prince ? Should I order an even more comfortable mattress for your royal ass ?”  
  
This made Noctis burst into a fit of giggles and he hid behind his hands. This probably had been the funniest thing anyone ever said to him. Calling him a prince. What kind of idea was that ? He looked nothing like a prince. Not in this life, anyways, he could have looked like one before, probably. No, now he was as rotten as he could be, drunk and high on both his dose of coke and the pleasure of Ardyn hands on his body and even when Ardyn moved so they could kiss again, Noctis didn’t feel like a prince. No, he was a toy. Happy to serve and willing to do anything, if pleasure was guaranteed.  
  
Noctis was able to sneak a hand under Ardyn’s shirt, clawing at his flawless skin and it made the man groan in return. This was going to be rough, that much at least was true and Noctis wondered why was Ardyn so touchy, why wasn’t he taking him right now ? The two of them were ready enough for it, Noctis knew that only some lube on that nice cock he could feel against his would do the trick. But no, Ardyn kept kissing him, tasting him, touching so much it was making his head so light and Noctis eventually took things in hands. Literally.  
  
It did make Ardyn stop kissing him, to feel his fingers wrap themselves around that nice cock. Noctis was pleased with the effects it did on Ardyn’s body, the way he stilled, eyes dark with lust and lips parted. Noctis coaxed him a little closer, actually pulling on that cock and Ardyn obeyed slowly, shifting his hips so he could be close enough for Noctis to do anything he wanted and Noctis smiled.  
  
“Let’s stop playing now,” Noctis muttered against these tentative lips. “We’re wearing too many clothes yet and there isn’t enough fucking.”  
  
“Look at that,” Ardyn trailed in answer, tilting his hips forward to move his cock in Noctis’ hands. “Little boy thinks he’s in charge. Mh, but he’s wrong, isn’t he ?”  
  
Noctis’ eyes rolled back, at Ardyn’s dominant aura, he rested his head against the bed again and he sighed. “I’m just so close already. Make me come and you can tease as much as you like afterward.”  
  
“I don’t think so,” was Ardyn’s answer against his ear, before Ardyn licked the shell of it and Noctis moaned again, but soon found himself pinned to the bed, not strong enough to fight against Ardyn’s hold and he laughed. He was helpless now and he loved every second of it.  
  
Ardyn kept kissing him, in a gentle way, almost, letting him taste the wonders of his tongue and Noctis eventually started to float again, the coke kicking in hard. He had taken a greater dose than he usually would, to make sure it’d last longer and not have to leave Ardyn’s side just to take another. And he’d wait for Ardyn to sleep, or to be alone to taken another if he really had to. Not that he planned on letting the man sleep at all, tonight, not with how promising all this was but Noctis couldn’t know. But if they didn’t fuck enough tonight, he’d make sure to have another round in the morning. He’d wake him up with a blowjob, for sure. Ardyn deserved as much, just because he had taken him home and was comfortable with dominating him.  
  
Noctis moaned at the feel of Ardyn’s lips on his neck again, sucking hard and probably leaving some marks, he moaned even more when hands moved to his hips and he just lay there, as comfortable as possible, completely slack and enjoying himself. He wasn’t sure he was entirely aware of his surroundings anymore, he could be anywhere now and Ardyn’s mouth working on his skin was one hell of a drug but he didn’t care. He’d let Ardyn do anything as long as he eventually fucked him.  
  
“Noctis ?”  
  
Even Ardyn’s voice seemed almost distant, now, like one coming from a dream. Was he dreaming the whole thing ? Or did he black out while Ardyn was fucking him and he was only waking up now ? It would be such a shame if he did.  
  
“Fuck, Noctis, say something !”  
  
Noctis forced himself to open his eyes, he frowned as the not so bright bedside table lamp blinded him and he looked at Ardyn. Ardyn who was still clothed with the same attire from before. Maybe he didn’t black out, after all ? Maybe he just went too deep into his trip ? Too deep to feel anymore ? Only a second had passed, maybe a couple of them and it was good, wasn’t it ? But there was concern in Ardyn’s eyes, more concern than Noctis was comfortable with and he groaned, wanting nothing but to see it disappear. He didn’t care if people pitied him. As long as they didn’t start to care for him.  
  
“What ?” Noctis growled, caressing the man’s chest the best he could, grabbing his shirt to pull him toward him again, to receive more of these amazing kisses. But Ardyn resisted.  
  
“How high are you ?”  
  
The question made Noctis giggle. Did Ardyn only realize it now, that he was as high as a kite, flying far over Insomnia’s lights and feeling so, so good ?  
  
“Quite,” Noctis eventually answered, glaring at the light as it was hurting his eyes. He could almost feel how dilated his pupils were, not even retracting for such brightness and it wasn’t good and he wanted for Ardyn to turn it off but Ardyn moved away from him slowly, his eyes darkening but it wasn’t from lust this time.  
  
“I want you to leave now.” the man stated and Noctis groaned.  
  
“Fuck,” Noctis rolled his eyes, pulling on Ardyn’s shirt again. “Don’t chicken out on me now, I want you.”  
  
“And I do want to fuck you into the mattress,” Ardyn answered calmly. “But not in that state of yours. This ain’t a game, boy. I knew you had alcohol in your system and I was making it last to make sure you were still consentant. Drugs, however, need more time.”  
  
Noctis rubbed at his face, as it was useless for him to pull Ardyn anymore, the man was like a rock now, unmoving, unwilling and he was much stronger than he was. Especially in that state.  
  
“Old guys are so prickly,” Noctis complained as he was sitting up, glaring at Ardyn. “You can’t just force me to go after turning me on that much.”  
  
“I can and I will,” Ardyn nodded and Noctis knew it was useless to bargain for a quickie, now. Ardyn’s mind was set, there was determination in his eyes. He knew what he wanted and what he didn’t and he didn’t want to fuck him while he was high.  
  
“I will call my car for you, to take you wherever you want,” Ardyn said, pulling his phone from his pocket but Noctis snorted, moving away from the man. His body felt so sore, from the tension in his muscles and the need and standing wasn’t an easy task but he managed. And fuck this guy who didn’t want to fuck him when he was more than willing. He was pissed now and Noctis sure wasn’t going to accept to ride in his fancy car.  
  
“Noctis,” Ardyn called again and Noctis looked back, as he was straightening his clothes.  
  
“Sober up,” Ardyn said in a gentle tone. “Go to rehab. Get clean and I’ll fuck you every nights for a month if you want me to.”  
  
“Yeah, whatever, old man,” Noctis groaned and he rubbed his eyes one last time before he left the bedroom, grabbed his shoes and left the apartment.  
  
Well, this was disappointing, Noctis told himself as he was riding the lift downstairs, leaning against the cold case and his eyes closed. He had wanted nothing more but for Ardyn to fuck him and Ardyn chickened out just because he was high ? What kind of guy was that ? Other people didn’t care. Other people would sometimes notice to powder on his nose because he didn’t clean it properly, or they’d see him take a dose and they’d fuck him just the same. Because it was what he wanted. It was all he wanted, after all.  
  
And now, he wanted for Ardyn to fuck him. Hell, Noctis was a mess right now and the few people he walked by in the streets gave him strange looks because he was walking on the sidewalk barefeet, his shoes in his arms but he wanted Ardyn. That guy was hot, the hottest he ever came across before, with his stupid hat and his stupid suit and his stupid smile. Noctis wanted him to fill him entirely, to fuck his ass while he was forcing fingers down his mouth, he wanted to swallow his cock down to the hilt.  
  
And he was going to have exactly all this, Noctis promised himself. He’d trap Ardyn into thinking he was sober and clean and he’d make sure to have what he wanted. Ardyn had promised a month of good fucking, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not late ! It's not midnight yet !
> 
> Anyways, here's chapter 2 ! it's long and probably frustrating but it is how it is :D
> 
> Enjoy :D

Sobering up was easy enough, Noctis realized when he started working on that. He could replace his vodka shots by pints of beer and beer didn’t do as much effect as vodka did on his system. Noctis could barely feel the usual tingle of alcohol on his muscles anymore and he could do without that. He didn’t miss it as much as he thought he would. And beer tasted better than vodka did, anyways.  
  
Cocaine, on the other end .. Well, if anything, his doses had increased after a moment. Trying to take less of it, or to space out the doses made the cravings terrible and his nose started bleeding after each one of them, hard enough for him to freak out more than once. But he soon got used to it, because it was only blood, wasn’t it ? Girls could go five days bleeding all the time without dying so why couldn’t he ?  
  
But the nightmares .. They were terrible. Luna was dying in front of his eyes every night and he had flashes of this moment every day too. Images were becoming more and more gruesome, as if he was starting to remember some details he had forgotten on the moment, like the way she yelled in pain and how she called for him. He wasn’t sure it ever happened but it felt like a proper memory. A memory that was making his heart bleed every time.  
  
More than once, Noctis woke up panting, in need of oxygen, as if he spent the last hours without breathing and it was a terrible sensation and the only way he found to lessen its effect was with a dose. One hell of a dose, if he could say so, one he’d feel for hours after that but at least, he couldn’t feel these other things anymore. He couldn’t feel his guilt anymore. Because it was his fault Luna died, wasn’t it ? He should have seen that other car, he should have stopped before the impact and then, only the car would have been damaged and Luna would still be alive.  
  
But these thoughts disappeared with his breakfast dose and Noctis would spend the next hours in blissful lightness, happy to go to the club and drink his beers and have half-satisfying fucks with strangers like he always did. He hadn’t seen Ardyn since the fiasco at his place but it was good for now. He wasn’t ready to see Ardyn again just yet. He had to make the illusion perfect so Ardyn would fuck him and then, he’d be able to move on.

* * *

Noctis still wasn’t over the fact that Ardyn forced him to leave just because he was high. But if this was a game for the man, he too could play.  
  
Today was going to be the day. Noctis had planned it well, to make sure it all went according to what he wanted to do. He had planned his doses to make sure he wouldn’t need one while he’d be with Ardyn and to make sure he wouldn’t be too high either. It was perfect and Noctis couldn’t believe how clever he had been with it all.  
  
But he went to the club, at first, just to get himself in the mood for what was to come. He wouldn’t drink tonight and he almost laughed at the bartender’s disappointment when he told him he wanted water but he quickly found himself dancing alongside the crowd, smiling at himself for what was coming for him. He had waited so long, after all, he had waited for this morning for twenty days, until he’d be able to control his doses a little better. And it was good, wasn’t it ? It was good that he could control them. Even if he had to take bigger ones. Bigger ones but with more time between them was an improvement. Or at least, it was what Noctis kept telling himself.  
  
Hands found his body as he was dancing and Noctis didn’t have to open his eyes to know who they belonged to. Nyx always had a specific way to touch him, with careful fingers and light caresses. Light enough to always make him squirm and Noctis turned around into these arms he knew all too well and he kissed the man happily, grabbing at Nyx’s braids in a used manner. Nyx loved it when he pulled on his braids. And he once said he was the only one allowed to touch them. They held a religious meaning, Nyx told him once. Noctis didn’t ask for more.  
  
Nyx’s arms soon hugged him properly, they were dancing together in the middle of the crowd, kissing as if their life depended on it and Noctis moaned when his lover touched his hair in return. He liked to call Nyx his lover, even if they were nothing like this. Because Nyx was the only friend he had, in this life, the only one who counted and Noctis kind of loved him for that. Not in a romantic way though. They were like friends who enjoyed a good fuck together from times to times.  
  
There was something Noctis had realized, during the first times they met, after Nyx took him to his place for good fucks. Nyx too had a tragic past. He never spoke about it, not even hinted it but Noctis loved to look around the small bedroom when Nyx was away to take a shower or cook breakfast and Noctis had noticed the picture frames on the bedside table. The ones Nyx always turned away when they were fucking and Noctis had to look at the pictures. There had been two women. One younger than the other and for a moment, Noctis wondered if it had been Nyx’s wife and their daughter. But then, he had seen the date of the shot, written at the bottom of the pic and it was old. Old enough for Noctis to realize these two probably were Nyx’s mother and a sister of his or something of the sort. And for Nyx to hide them like this when they were busy on his bed .. They probably were dead, weren’t they ?  
  
Noctis never asked, he’d never dare but it was something he too would do, if there ever had been a picture of Luna near his bed. He wouldn’t want her to witness what he was doing. Hell, she probably wouldn’t recognize him, if she saw him right now.  
  
Enough with thinking about Luna, Noctis told himself as Nyx was pulling on his clothes in need. He was far too busy for this tonight and Nyx soon led him out of the club and Noctis followed without resistance. Nyx pushed him against the club’s outside wall to kiss him again, hands grabbing his butt with a lot of want in the gesture, making Noctis laugh against his friend’s lips and he had to look up at Nyx.  
  
“I can’t tonight,” He stated, giggling when he saw the disappointment in these beautiful blue eyes.  
  
“You got a date or something ?” Nyx asked, kissing the tip of his nose but his frown was giving away way too much. He obviously was frustrated now. Noctis already could feel that bulge he loved so much against the lower part of his belly.  
  
“Something like that,” Noctis nodded with a smile.  
  
“What, really ?” Nyx snorted, resting his arms around the younger man’s shoulders, caressing his hair and Noctis leant into it for as much as he could, closing his eyes. Nyx knew how much he loved his hair to be petted properly and he loved it when Nyx was holding him like that, arms around his neck and a wall against his back.  
  
“I met that guy, the other time,” Noctis shrugged. “He said he’d fuck me only if I was sober and clean.”  
  
“You aren’t clean,” Nyx laughed and Noctis rolled his eyes.  
  
“Of course not,” he sighed, saying the obvious. “But I’m not that high so it might work. I mean, it could work. Hell, the guy’s hot.”  
  
“Probably is, if you’re willing to put yourself in such a torture just for a fuck,” was Nyx’s answer and he winked at that, amused. But Noctis could understand his reaction. It was the first time he was saying no to him and only because he already planned on having sex with someone else. It was ridiculous but Ardyn really struck him.  
  
The guy lived in that fancy flat downtown and had a personal driver but he went to his club and looked entirely too comfortable. And he spoke about hook-ups in bathroom stalls too, saying how he was too old for this kind of stunt now. It was intriguing and Noctis wanted to know more, he wanted to know what kind of rotten moments Ardyn went through in his past. And Noctis knew how selfish this was, because he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him anything about Luna ever but he just needed to know. He had spent the last twenty days completely obsessed with the man. He couldn’t fail now.  
  
“So not even a quickie in the alley ?”  
  
Noctis rolled his eyes, at Nyx’s tentative tone. Because he wanted to, he could never resist Nyx’s tone, nor his eyes and his smile was just the most beautiful thing in his life right now but he shook his head.  
  
“I showered for this,” Noctis answered and it made his lover laugh. “But if it doesn’t work, I’ll just give up and show up at your door. Deal ?”  
  
“Deal,” Nyx nodded but he didn’t let go just yet. First, he leant down for a kiss, one of these kisses who made Noctis wonder if there wasn’t more than just that between them. Nyx was a beautiful man, after all, one he liked a lot and he had been more than perfect for his first time, he had been careful and gentle and attentive. All Noctis could have wanted in such a situation. But he never thought of Nyx like this. Like more than a friend he loved to fuck with.  
  
But maybe they did go well together. Maybe they were meant to fuck each other’s brain and it was it ? Noctis could go with that. He could go with whatever pleasure Nyx was able to give him, and give back all he could. It was fine this way and it made him happy. Especially when Nyx would make him pancakes in the morning.  
  
“I’ll be waiting for you,” Nyx eventually muttered on his lips and it made Noctis snort.  
  
“Are you wishing for my plan to fail now ?” he asked.  
  
“Maybe.” Nyx admitted with half a smile. “But you know you can always come to me when you need it, right ? Even if it’s not my cock you need ..”  
  
Noctis nodded at that, he closed his eyes when Nyx kissed his forehead and he breathed out, trying to calm down his pounding heart. Nyx truly was more than he deserve now, wasn’t he ? An angel, fallen from Heaven to look after him while he was in Hell. But this wasn’t truly Hell. Hell was being in the car with the love of his life dead on the passenger seat. Hell was hearing the words : “She didn’t suffer, she died at the impact” and starting to believe it was all a lie.  
  
A shake of the head later, Noctis forced himself out of Nyx’s arms, despite how much needed the hug and Nyx smiled, he tilted his head to the side. “Go now, go to that guy’s place and have the ride of your life.”  
  
“I will,” Noctis laughed and with that, he turned away from Nyx and started to walk, forcing his hands down his pockets. He didn’t know why they were shaking this way but he hoped it’d pass. He wasn’t feeling the need for another dose, there were no reasons for his hands to shake like they were. Or, maybe, he was only nervous for what was coming ? Nervous to see Ardyn again ? It was stupid, but it was the only explanation.  
  
Noctis took a cab to his destination. It wasn’t hard for him to remember the street, as he had recognized it easily and he soon found himself in front of the right building. Nothing had changed since the last time he found himself there. Nothing at all and Noctis looked up toward the higher floors of the tower, wondering if Ardyn was still awake. It wasn’t that late, only around midnight and it would be a shame if Ardyn already was sleeping at this time. Noctis wasn’t even sure what the day was. Monday, maybe ? Or was it Friday ? He didn’t know, he didn’t care. All the passing days were the same anyways and Noctis didn’t even set up the date or time on the phone he used to call his dealer. Why would he anyways ? He wasn’t needed anywhere.  
  
Entering the building was the hardest part. He hoped he remembered the floor well enough, he was pretty sure he saw Ardyn pushed the “37” button the only other time he found himself here. If it wasn’t the right one, he’d just have to search. Somehow. The night watchman glanced at him from over his desk, he looked at him up and down before nodding and Noctis wondered if it was the guy from the other time. It looked like him. It probably was.  
  
The ride in the lift was long. Noctis didn’t remember it was as long as that, the other time, but then again, he had found himself in Ardyn’s arms, busy with kisses and wandering hands on his body to keep him occupied. He truly was nervous, Noctis realized as his stomach hurt and his palms were sweaty. What if Ardyn wasn’t alone ? What if he was with some other younger guy, already fucking him into oblivion ? What if he didn’t want to see him again ? This could happen, Noctis was quite aware of it. Especially with how hard the rejection had been, the first time. Fuck, he shouldn’t have come. He should have gone with Nyx and enjoy what he had with that guy and not be as greedy as he was now, hoping for the ride of his life. He was stupid, wasn’t he ? Why would Ardyn even want to see him again ?  
  
The lift dinged, as the doors opened, Noctis felt a pang of nervousness in his chest but he forced himself to leave the cabin until his feet were on the fancy carpet of the floor. He hadn’t noticed, the first time, how there only were three doors on the floor, meaning that the flats were quite big. Bigger than what he had seen from Ardyn’s, probably. He could imagine a proper office, a library, maybe ? Other bedrooms ?  
  
Noctis soon found himself in front of the right door and he breathed out slowly, trying to calm his nerves. Here he was, he told himself. Only one thing left between him and Ardyn and he still could run away but he eventually rose his fist and knocked.  
  
Noctis didn’t have long to wait for Ardyn to open the door. A couple of seconds, at most and it was obvious the man hadn’t been sleeping. He was still wearing a shirt, much like the one he had been wearing during their first meeting, trousers that made his ass look amazing and his hair was a mess on top of his hair but pulled back with a pair of reading glasses. Now that was something he hadn’t expected and Noctis giggled at the sight. But he already knew how hot Ardyn would look in these.  
  
“Now, look who shows up ..” Ardyn trailed slowly, leaning against the door’s frame and crossing his arms. “It’s been some time, boy.”  
  
“Hi,” Noctis muttered, smitten with the sight of Ardyn. He had been quite attracted with that man already but seeing him when he obviously wasn’t as high as before was quite something. Ardyn was hotter than he remembered and Noctis was more than happy to be here now. Gone was his nervousness. Ardyn could take him against a wall of the corridor if he wanted to. “Is the offer still on ?”  
  
“It is, as long as you followed my instructions.” Ardyn nodded and he pushed himself from the door frame and stepped aside for Noctis to enter the apartment.  
  
“Show me your eyes, my boy.”  
  
Noctis didn’t have the time to brace himself for it as Ardyn turned on the lights abruptly and he shielded his eyes with a hand as he was blinded. The lights in the entry hall, the lift and the corridor had been dimmed, because there weren’t many people coming in and out at such hour but his eyes were sensitive now. Yet, Noctis didn’t fight back when Ardyn grabbed his chin between his thumb and his index finger and turned his head toward the nearest light bulb, observing his eyes carefully.  
  
“Ah, now that’s more like it,” Ardyn purred and Noctis could almost feel his pupils retract at the bright light. And he was proud of himself he was able to pull such a stunt. Already his body was reacting to Ardyn’s closeness, getting hotter and hotter with the seconds and Ardyn leaned to him to kiss his lips, his tongue properly tasting his mouth this time. “And sober too ?” he mused, with a hum. “You did well, little prince.”  
  
“You owe me a month worth of fucks now,” Noctis nodded and it made the man laugh.  
  
“Ah, I did say that, didn’t I?” he teased. “Alright, I won’t go back on my words. Go to my bedroom, get comfortable, while I save up my work.”  
  
The bedroom was still the same, Noctis told himself as he entered it alone. Still the same, huge bed pushed against the floor to ceiling windows, a bedside table on each side of it, with a door leading to what might be a dressing room. It was almost surprising to think that this kind of apartment didn’t give a proper access to a bathroom from the master bedroom but now wasn’t the time to think about that, was it ? He was going to have what he had wanted and Noctis kicked off his shoes before he climbed on top of the bed, he turned toward the door and he waited.  
  
It took a couple of minutes for Ardyn to arrive. Too long in Noctis' opinion but he couldn’t complain. Ardyn now had that hot look in his eyes, he wanted him, it was obvious and there were chances Ardyn had wanted for this to happen too ? He was the one who offered to fuck him into the mattress if he did get clean, wasn’t he ? He wouldn’t have done so if he didn’t want him.  
  
Ardyn kissed him as soon as he was on the bed and Noctis immediately wrapped his arms around his neck, touching the man’s silk like hair with pleasure. Oh, he had tried to fantasize about this sensation, just so he could jerk off while some random guy was fucking him but it was never enough. It was never like the real thing and Noctis could have climaxed from that feel if he hadn’t already jerked off to make sure he would be able to last as much as possible. It also meant more time for Ardyn to torture him, if edging him was his thing but Noctis couldn’t care less. He was here for the pleasure tonight and nothing else.  
  
Soon, Noctis was lying in that huge bed, pinned against it by a now dominant Ardyn and he breathed out almost happily. Nothing would ruin the night, he had made sure of it. Nothing at all.  
  
“You’ve been thinking about this, haven’t you ?” Ardyn started with his teasing, leaving his lips to attack his neck now. “Did it help you drop everything ? Just for me to fuck you like you deserve ?”  
  
“Yeah,” Noctis lied, humming in need when he felt lips against his neck and his skin being suckled on. But he did deserve to be fucked just the right way, didn’t he ? He had made efforts for that. He had managed to control his dose better than before. Ardyn could be proud of him for that, already.  
  
“Such a good boy,” Ardyn muttered. Noctis reacted to the praise strongly, he squirmed and choked on air as he tried to keep his breathing steady. “Willing to give up on his things for a proper bone.”  
  
This time, Noctis had to laugh at the bad pun and he laughed so hard it made Ardyn chuckle against his skin. But they didn’t let it last, Noctis pulled the man in for another kiss, as he had been able to free one of his hands and Ardyn let him do so, he let him hold his neck like that. But the man’s hands didn’t stay unmoving for a long time, soon Ardyn was touching his body with care, sliding under his tank top and following his sides, nails scratching his skin slightly. Oh, that guy was so good, Noctis told himself as a tongue was now dancing with his. So good at what he was doing and he was here for the whole thing. Any position, any number of times. He wasn’t going to hold back, that much was clear.  
  
Noctis opened his eyes, when he felt Ardyn’s hands on his hips, and he moaned when Ardyn pushed his boner against him.  
  
“See what you do to me, boy ?” Ardyn muttered, his deep voice booming around him and Noctis shivered. He tried to reach out for that cock, to have one good handful of it but Ardyn tsked, shaking his head, he pinned his arm against the mattress again and he snorted. “Remember what I said last time ? You aren’t in charge here.”  
  
“Oh fuck,” Noctis cursed, frustrated and already so hard in his pants. Ardyn truly had one hell of an effect on him, something he couldn’t control. He didn’t want to control it either, really but if only he could .. he didn’t even know. Rub his cock against Ardyn’s thigh ? To get some friction ? To feel something else than the frustration and the need deep inside his belly ?  
  
“Now, where should I start ?” Ardyn chuckled and kissed his neck again. “Should I have you shoot your load with whispers only or fuck that dirty little mouth of yours properly ?”  
  
Noctis was good with either way, he knew that much. But he’d probably prefer to have Ardyn’s cock into his mouth. Said mouth was watering at the idea, already, it was hungry for it. Nyx once said he was a slut when it came to sucking cocks and Noctis was quite aware of it. Nothing truly pleased him more than sucking cocks. Not even burying his face between Luna’s thighs.  
  
Alright no, that wasn’t good, that wasn’t a thought he was supposed to have while in bed with Ardyn. And Noctis pushed it as far away as he could, focusing on the sensations Ardyn was giving him rather than anything else and it worked.  
  
“Mh,” Ardyn rumbled against his chest, kissing his way down toward his cock and Noctis bucked his hips in need, he felt his throat tighten. Couldn’t the man just fuck him already ? Or rid him of his clothes ? Ardyn’s thing for clothes was ridiculous. If it were for him, they already would be naked and fucking. He didn’t need so much time for foreplay. Why wouldn’t that guy just act like anyone else, put lube on his cock (or not, even, Noctis didn’t care at this point) and fuck him ?  
  
“Naughty boy,” Ardyn muttered, pushing his tank top up his belly and mouthing at his skin. “Have you been eating at least ?”  
  
“For fuck’s sake, Ardyn !” Noctis angered properly this time. “I’m not here for you to treat me like a child. Fuck me already !”  
  
All Ardyn did was chuckled against his skin and continue with his ministrations and Noctis lay down again, hiding his face behind his arms and properly frustrated now. That guy was a jerk, he knew that much. One hell of a jerk, who couldn’t do anything but tease him and never properly touch him and with such a big mouth Noctis hoped he’d choke on a cock sometime. It would at least make him shut up properly.  
  
Still, he didn’t leave. Because he wanted that precise guy more than anything now, with his teasing and his light touches and it was the worst thing ever but he didn’t go through all this just to give up before he got what he wanted, did he ? He had done so much already, it had been a torture to try and put some time between each one of his doses and Noctis didn’t want to give up just yet.  
  
“You have no idea how hot you look when you’re angry,” Ardyn muttered and Noctis was about to snap at him again when some tricky hands pulled his pants down his legs. Noctis had no idea when Ardyn had been able to open his jeans’ button, especially without him noticing but he didn’t care. Now, his cock was free and he was about to moan when Ardyn swallowed it properly.  
  
Noctis almost came immediately. It had been so sudden but to feel Ardyn’s lips around his cock, sucking on it with all his experience, tongue twirling around his head and sometimes even teasing his balls. It was all too intense and Noctis had to push himself on his elbows, so he could look at him, so he could watch Ardyn work on his cock like that and damn it was hot. He soon was panting loudly, slowly pushing his cock back into Ardyn’s mouth again because it almost hurt not to be buried entirely into that wet sheath. It wasn’t often that he had his cock sucked, after all and to have Ardyn do it, on top of everything ?  
  
Noctis moaned loudly when Ardyn’s eyes flickered to his face, shining with his mirth and how completely proud of himself he was and Noctis closed his eyes for a second but he had to watch. Great memories, this would make, he was sure of it and for a moment, he wanted to reach out and grab a fistful of Ardyn’s hair but he decided against it. He wasn’t sure he could hold his weight on one arm and hold Ardyn with the other. But it was fine.  
  
Frustration came back when Ardyn let his cock fall from his lips and Noctis was about to voice his feelings again when Ardyn grabbed it in his hand, slowly jerking him off and licking at it while never looking away from his eyes.  
  
“Come on my boy,” Ardyn coaxed, he sucked at the side of the head gently, the pleasure making Noctis' toes curl painfully. “Come for me now. You deserve it.”  
  
It was instantaneous. As soon as his cock was in Ardyn’s mouth again, Noctis climaxed, spending his semen deep into the man’s throat and he could only watch as Ardyn swallowed it all, his eyes still locked on him. But the pleasure he felt, how entirely good it was. Noctis could do that again and again, if Ardyn was willing. He could do that all night long, even and the pleasure had him shudder so hard he fell on his back and his body trembled.  
  
It never was that good, with Nyx. But he always was completely high, when he was fucking with him. And drunk. But tonight ? He had taken no alcohol and he wasn’t that high. Not high enough for Ardyn to realize he still was high anyways. It was what he had wanted with his whole plan and now he knew it had been more than worth it. He just received the proof of it, right now.  
  
Ardyn kissed his sensitive cock several times, licking it clean as he was doing so and Noctis placed his arms on his face. Raw emotions were flooding in his heart and mind, emotions like he hadn’t felt in a while, even while fucking with Nyx. Things he never thought he’d feel again and it was hard to push them back but he had to, he couldn’t let himself be overwhelmed by them. He closed his eyes, when he heard how Ardyn was chuckling, but he kissed back when Ardyn’s lips brushed his, hungrily. He wanted more now, more than just a blowjob and he moaned when he tasted semen on the man’s tongue, he wrapped an arm around his neck again and he felt himself melt under his touch.  
  
Ardyn was caressing his hair, as slowly as he could. Petting him in the most delicious way and Noctis felt himself float but in a such different way than when he was under drug influence. He was so entirely conscious of his body, of the way it was trembling, in need for more but still kind of shaken with what it just felt. His whole body was aflame with pleasure and Noctis had a hard time staying grounded right now. But it was good. Everything was good.  
  
“Don’t fall asleep now, my boy,” Ardyn muttered against his lips and Noctis groaned. “When I said I wanted to fuck you, I meant it. I want to see those pretty hips of yours working to milk my cock.”  
  
Noctis moaned. Ardyn had such a filthy mouth and he loved his dirty talk. He loved to hear that terribly low voice tell him such things and he wasn’t hard to please right now anyways. Already his cock felt like it was coming back to life, as he was waving his hips forward, pushing his needy member against the man’s thigh but Ardyn didn’t seem to care much about this. His hands were on him, always, his mouth on his and it felt so good already. It was a high he too became addicted to and Noctis was ashamed to think how it never felt as good with Luna.  
  
No ! His mind cried. He couldn’t think of her now. He couldn’t think of this. Luna and him .. What they had was sacred and he couldn’t think how it was never enough. Because she always was enough. She was the love of his life and it was never going to change.  
  
To distract himself from his thoughts, Noctis decided it was time for Ardyn to show his body a little. He pulled on that shirt, started to unbutton it slowly and Ardyn didn’t stop him, at least. He did smile in the kiss but Noctis could do with that, really. He could handle Ardyn’s apparent teasing manners and his mockeries. Ardyn’s words never rang mean to his ear. It was a game they were playing. Noctis hoped it was.  
  
Soon, Ardyn sat up, so he could take off his shirt and Noctis squirmed on the bed. Fuck the guy was even hotter than he imagined. A strong built but age was showing, he had a hint of a belly and several scars too. Noctis wondered for a moment where they might come from but now wasn’t the time to ask. Not when Ardyn was a treasure and he couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He wanted it all, he wanted to grab these now bare shoulders and hold him close, to feel that skin against his and Noctis moaned as he palmed at his cock.  
  
“I assume you like what you see?”  
  
The only answer Noctis could provide, was a soft groan and he bit his lip when Ardyn’s hands moved to his belt, to unbuckle it slowly. The damn man was putting a whole show for him, wasn’t he?  
  
“Wasn’t it worth it? To get clean for this?”  
  
Arrogant bastard, Noctis wanted to answer but the joke was on Ardyn, wasn’t it? Because he truly wasn’t clean. Cleaner than the last time, this was certain but he had taken quite a dose, to handle the whole thing properly and he could still feel its effects, even now. The lightness of his body and his mind, it all came from it. How easy it was to deal with what he was feeling too. Noctis was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to push back all these dark thoughts assaulting him if it wasn’t for the coke. Wasn’t it obvious, after all? He had started to have nightmares even while he was awake again since the moment he tried to reduce his doses. And he still had them at night, really but taking his morning dose as soon as he woke up allowed him not to think about it. It allowed him to forget. All he wanted was to forget and he was doing so good on his own.  
  
“Did I break you?” Ardyn joked and Noctis blinked, he forced a smile and shook his head.  
  
“I am merely stunned,” he answered the man, his eyes locked on the bulge in his pants. “It’s not often that an older guy is as hot as you are.”  
  
“Why, thank you, cutie,” Ardyn laughed and he soon was kissing him again, leaving Noctis to finally touch him again.  
  
Ardyn’s skin under his fingers was as soft as it could be. It was obvious that the man took care of himself, he probably used some lotion after each shower. It wouldn’t be surprising, Noctis told himself and he moaned when Ardyn pushed his still covered cock against his. On the contrary, it would be surprising if he didn’t. Ardyn lived in a fancy place, after all, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy car with a driver. He was one of these posh single guys who spent thousands of bucks into beauty products. Noctis was quite sure he’d have found dozens of lotion bottles if he had searched in the cabinets when he visited Ardyn’s bathroom.  
  
His hands followed the soft curve of Ardyn’s back, to his butt and Noctis slid his hands under his clothes, to get a proper handful of that round ass, wondering for a moment if Ardyn ever bottomed. Not that he was interested in topping but it was quite a sight to see big guys like Ardyn taking a cock. He had watched Nyx getting fucked, on several occasions, he had jerked off to it and these memories still filled his fantasies. It had been more than an enjoyable experience, to sit there and watch Nyx being fucked so roughly he couldn’t even breathe anymore, to see him grip the sheets around him and his eyes always fixed on him, like his life depended on him. Would Ardyn do the same ? Would Ardyn come undone while someone was taking care of that perfect ass? Imagining it already was enough to send jolts to his cock and Ardyn seemed to notice, if his crooked smile was any indication of it.  
  
“Yes,” Ardyn muttered, as if he was reading his mind. “I love being fucked too. By all kind of cocks, I must say. Yours would be welcomed as well.”  
  
Noctis blinked, as he wondered how it’d feel but he shook his head. No, he didn’t do that. He didn’t fuck other guys. Being dominated was way more pleasurable than anything else Ardyn might offer him and they were doing so good for now. He didn’t want more than that, than Ardyn pinning him to the bed and fucking him as roughly as possible. Expect, well .. Doing it as many times as they could during the night. He was a toy. He loved being a toy.  
  
Ardyn didn’t seem to mind his disapproval, he merely shrugged and Noctis focused on what he was doing again, his hands moving toward Ardyn’s cock and finally getting a proper idea of it. It was thick, that was for sure. Thicker than Nyx and Noctis already knew it meant a little pain. But sex would be boring without pain, wouldn’t it? It had an average length from what he could feel without being able to look at it, with a sensitive head, as Ardyn moaned when Noctis pushed his thumb against its slit.  
  
“Fuck my mouth,” Noctis muttered between two pants and Ardyn laughed.  
  
“Ah, don’t worry boy,” he nodded. “I’m planning to.”  
  
“Don’t plan,” Noctis pouted with a frown. “Do it now. Put that cock into my mouth and fuck it.”  
  
Ardyn didn’t and it was the most frustrating thing ever. Couldn’t Ardyn see how hungry Noctis was right now? Couldn’t he see how he needed it so badly? To have that cock force its way down his throat and fuck him senseless and making him gag? For somebody as indecent, Ardyn truly had too much restraint. Other people wouldn’t have hesitated more than a second. Hell, even Nyx didn’t hesitate more than that, to grab his head and fuck his mouth as hard as he could and Noctis often found himself swallowing his semen without even thinking about it. Even now, his mouth was watering at the idea and yet, all Ardyn was doing was kissing him.  
  
Wait. Was he trying to find out if he was under some influence again like he did the last time? Was he making it last to see if he was going to come down from his high?  
  
Noctis opened his eyes, to look at the man, he stopped moving entirely until it caught Ardyn’s attention and Ardyn looked up with a snide smile. A disgusting, shit-eating smile.  
  
“Finally?” He laughed and Noctis really felt like a fool for a moment.  
  
“I’m clean,” he stated, as confidently as he could in such a moment and it made Ardyn laugh even harder.  
  
“You think I’m going to believe you, boy?” Ardyn muttered, kissing his neck in that delightful manner. “You thought you could convince me you were able to sober up and get clean in less than a month? Come on, Noct, I’m not that stupid.”  
  
Shame slowly built up in Noctis' core but there was something else. The name Ardyn called him with. He wasn’t allowed to call him this. He couldn’t do that. Only people from his previous life were allowed and Ardyn really wasn’t.  
  
“Shut the fuck up and fuck me already,” Noctis snarled, anger in the eyes.  
  
“You know I won’t.” was Ardyn’s answer and all Noctis wanted now was to bitch-slap the man as hard as he could. How dare he ? How dare he pull that stunt on him again? He had done everything he asked! He hadn’t drunk alcohol! And he was clean enough. His last dose was hours ago and he didn’t feel that clean not even once in the last weeks. Fuck, Ardyn truly was a prick, wasn’t he?  
  
Without thinking twice, Noctis forced himself away from the man’s grip and Ardyn didn’t hold him back. He soon retrieved his trousers and his pants, he dressed up again, as quickly as he could. He wanted to leave that place, now, as soon as possible. He wanted to leave and never come back. It all had been a waste of time and Ardyn was the biggest prick ever. He was so fucked up and Noctis didn’t have the time to deal with that kind of guys. All he wanted now was to go at Nyx’s and let him fuck the hell out of him all night long and the next day too. He didn’t need Ardyn, did he ? No, he truly didn’t.  
  
“Noctis,” Ardyn sighed, as he too was dressing up again. “Stay for a couple of minutes, we can talk about this.”  
  
“Like hell I’ll stay,” Noctis spat, glaring at the man over his shoulders as his shaking hands were trying to button up his jeans again.  
  
“Noct ..”  
  
“Don’t call me that!” Noctis yelled, this time, turning around to face Ardyn. “Don’t you dare calling me that!”  
  
“Calm down,” Ardyn sighed, running a hand in his hair. “You’re going to ..”  
  
“Why do you even care?” Noctis glowered, giving up on buttoning up his trousers again. “I’m nothing to you. I’m just some punk you picked up in a disgusting club for a hook-up.”  
  
“I was there too,” Ardyn said, in a gentle tone, sitting back on his feet. “I almost let it destroy me. You deserve better than that, you deserve a better life.”  
  
Noctis rolled his eyes and images flashed into his mind. Images of his previous life, when he was living with Luna, when he was happy. This was his better life and it was gone. Luna was dead and she wasn’t going to come back, ever.  
  
“What if I don’t want it?” Noctis answered, his heart pounding so hard in his chest that it hurt. “I’ve made my choice. I fell into this consciously.” he nodded at himself, then continued. “I don’t want to be saved.”  
  
Ardyn’s snort angered him even more and Noctis took a tentative step forward but he stopped when Ardyn looked at him in the eyes. “Keep telling yourself that boy,” he muttered, his tone venom like now. “But it won’t last. Because one day, you will wake up, you will look around you and you will see how fucked up you truly are. You will realize how this was never what you wanted in life and all you’ll want will be for someone to help you.”  
  
“I know this isn’t what I wanted in life!” Noctis yelled back and he was feeling like he could throw up now. All his insides were upside down, his heart in his throat and his eyes were burning. “This never was anything I wanted !”  
  
“So what the fuck are you doing Noctis ?”  
  
Noctis choked on air, eyes wide but locked on Ardyn, trembling like he never did before and he swallowed back a sob.  
  
“I’m ..” he stuttered, tears pooling in his eyes. “I’m .. I’m trying to .. survive without her ..”  
  
If Ardyn was taken aback by the answer, it didn’t show. But he inched closer, a slight frown on his beautiful face. “Her ?”  
  
“She died, okay ?” Noctis choked again and he closed his eyes as tears now were running down his cheeks. This couldn’t be happening now, could it ? He had never cried for her but now he was and it was too much. It truly was. “I-I loved her so much and she died !”  
  
Before he could step closer to the bed, Noctis fell to his knees, his legs unable to carry his weight anymore. His whole body tingled with the lack of oxygen, as he was gasping for air and he whimpered as he felt soft hands on his back. There was so much feelings fighting inside his heart now, as if all those he had tried to ignore until now were clawing their way out, as if they all were crashing his mind at the same time.  
  
Soon, he was pulled against one warm chest and Noctis continued crying because it was all he could do now. Cry for the love of his life, for the woman he had planned to marry, the one he had planned to spend his life with. He was feeling so selfish to be here, knowing that she’d never be at all anymore, knowing that she was never going to come back. She had left so much behind her, a loving family, her brother, her dogs even. Noctis didn’t even know what happened to them, after he left and yet, they had been Luna’s precious babies for years. He abandoned them the same moment he abandoned his previous life.  
  
Maybe it was the lack of coke in his system speaking but .. He truly was a mess, wasn’t he ?  
  
He had lost the only person he ever loved in his life. He could be a mess. He was allowed to be a mess, to be here, in a middle of a stranger’s bedroom and to beg for his cock. And each time he was fucking with some stranger, and he’d realize how so much better it was than it always had been to make love with Luna, the guilt was back again, crushing him until he could take his next dose. It was an easy solution after all. But it was the only way he found to cope with it all. The only one who worked at all.  
  
He missed her so much. He missed her smiles and her beautiful eyes and the grace in her movements. He could barely remember her face anymore. All he remembered was her broken body and the blood. So much blood, everywhere, soaking her summer dress and tainting the ring he offered her when he proposed to her. Noctis didn’t know what happened to that ring. All he knew was that she wasn’t buried with it. Maybe someone had it, somewhere ? Hell, Noctis wasn’t even certain he wanted to see it again.  
  
Noctis whimpered again, purely in pain and Ardyn held him tighter, he pulled him in his lap, resting his back against the bed and he held him the best way he could without uttering a word now. What could he say anymore, after all ? He had triggered this. He was responsible of this.  
  
Images of Luna in the car flooded his mind again, Noctis gagged. He could smell it. The terrible copper smell of her blood, everywhere around him, as if he was back in the car with her. As if he was living this again and it was a good thing his stomach was completely empty, else he would have thrown up on Ardyn. But he was feeling so cold, despite the warmth surrounding him, so cold and alone and he wanted her back so badly. He’d give anything to have her back. Hell, he had given away his sanity to forget about the images from the accident and people telling him she didn’t suffer at all.  
  
He knew she did. He knew she called for him and he couldn’t even help her. He had done nothing to help her, at all. He had watched and he had waited for the firefighters to pull him out of the car. And Noctis remembered the look on his friends’ face, at the funeral, on her parents’ face and her brother’s, how pained they all looked and him ? He had felt so empty. Entirely and completely empty.  
  
He wasn’t empty anymore now, was he ? He was crying so much on Ardyn’s shoulder, letting that stranger rock him in his arms, a hand buried in his hair so he’d keep his head on his shoulder. Holding him close as if he cared. But it was yet another one of his tricks, wasn’t it ?  
  
“I’m so sorry Noctis,” the man whispered and Noctis felt his heart shatter even more. Here it was. The pity. Ardyn was feeling guilty now and he pitied him and Noctis hated him for it. He hated him for being here, trying to sooth him. He had been doing so, so good until he met with this guy and he hated him and his fancy flat and all he was. He hated his beautiful amber eyes and his hot body and the soothing kisses he was pushing against his shoulder.  
  
Noctis didn’t know how long this lasted, how long he cried. He had almost four months of held-back tears to shed and it was quite a number of them. Noctis wondered if he wasn’t going to faint, at some point, as his mind was going dizzy because he was swallowing air rather than breathing it. Hiccups helped his stomach get rid of it but his eyes were showing him only a white color anymore. It didn’t last. Ardyn started to breath a little deeper under his weight and Noctis unconsciously cadenced his own breathing on the man’s. Taking in deep breaths between sobs, holding them for a couple of seconds until he could breathe out again. It helped him calm down.  
  
Ardyn hummed gently, as if to felicitate him and Noctis felt his body slowly relax against Ardyn’s, going limp as his strength was leaving him. He could hardly raise a hand now but Ardyn didn’t look like he wanted to move anyways. He was comfortably resting against his bed, caressing his back in slow circles and Noctis closed his eyes.  
  
Could he sleep now ? Could he fall asleep here and never wake up ? Maybe he could join Luna, wherever she might be ? Maybe they could live together forever in the afterlife ? Noctis never was one to believe in this but .. He had never lost anyone before Luna. His mother did die when he was a kid but he had been too young to remember. Too young to cry for her death.  
  
But Noctis knew Luna. He knew she wouldn’t allow him such foolishness, she wouldn’t allow him to die too and this was his divine punishment. To be alive, in this personal Hell and to be forced to cope when all he wanted to do was give up. He had given up on his previous life, already, but he wasn’t allowed to give up on Life itself. She’d probably welcome him in the afterlife with one terrible scolding and Noctis wasn’t courageous enough to face it. He wasn’t courageous enough to think about her at all, after all.  
  
Ardyn moved his head, until he nuzzled his hair, kissing his forehead and Noctis closed his eyes again. Why did he care ? Why was he there, trying to help ? Why couldn’t he just leave him be and let him forget about it all ? Noctis wanted to forget again. He wanted to push all the memories away forever, now he had felt how painful it was to remember. And he needed a dose. A proper, brain wrecking dose and he had nothing on him at the moment.  
  
All that just because he had wanted Ardyn to fuck him. Ardyn truly was toxic for him, wasn’t he ? He had to avoid that man, for now on. Avoid him and never come back. It had been such a mistake to come again and he wasn’t going to make it again.  
  
The breath that escaped his lips trembled, Noctis rubbed his eyes despite how weak he was feeling now, he pushed his hair away from his face and he stood up from Ardyn’s lap. Almost immediately, the cold assaulted him, he was feeling naked again. It wasn’t that it wasn’t warm enough in here but he was shivering and Noctis couldn’t bear it. And he only had the strength to move to the bed until he could sit down there, his head low and his hands trembling on his thighs. He truly needed his dose now, it was all he had in mind and he had to leave this damned place and stay away from Ardyn.  
  
“Stay for the night, Noctis,” Ardyn offered, standing up again and placing a gentle hand in his hair. “When was the last time you ate ? Are you hungry ?” Noctis’ stomach answered, it growled his hunger and Ardyn smiled. “I’ve got some pizza leftovers in the kitchen. Would you like that ?”  
  
Noctis didn’t move, as he was trying to focus on staying calm now. It wasn’t an easy task, when he felt like lashing out, push Ardyn’s hand away from him, beg for Ardyn to stop touching him at all and he shivered again, his teeth clattered and he wrapped his arms around his chest.  
  
“What about a sweater to begin with ?” Ardyn smiled. “I have that in my dressing, I’ll be right back, alright ?”  
  
Ardyn caressed the side of his face, his thumb tracing the curve of his jaw and Noctis watched him leave, disappear behind that door. It was his moment, wasn’t it ? It was now or never so he just darted. Noctis didn’t hesitate when he pushed himself to his feet, he grabbed his shoes and he ran, as fast as he could despite how tired and entirely drained he was feeling. He was out of breath before he even reached the lift but relief flooded him when the doors closed and he quickly put on his shoes and he ran again when he reached the entry hall.  
  
The cold air of the night hit him hard, he was only wearing one of his tank tops and his trousers weren’t even buttoned up but Noctis didn’t care. He didn’t care for anything at all except for the dose he needed. His phone was at home, the phone he used only to call his dealer and it meant he had to go there as quickly as possible, make the call and wait for him to arrive before he could break down again. It wasn’t going to be easy but it was all he had, wasn’t it ? He wanted that peace, he truly needed it and no one could tell him otherwise. No one knew how it felt, how so happy he was, when the powder was starting to affect his senses and Noctis could live like that.  
  
He could and he was never going to go back on his words.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, chapter 3. Which will be very hard for some people maybe. I'll add tags for warnings.

Waking up had become the most difficult thing ever for Noctis. Especially when he was feeling as tired as he was now. Sleeping was so nice, nightmares didn’t exist anymore. They had disappeared quickly, after Noctis went to his previous doses. Well .. When he started to take as much coke as before but in more regular intervals. How good he was feeling, now was beyond understanding but he wasn’t going to complain. No more tears, no more dreams. The complete silence and dreamless nights. That was more than he ever asked for and Noctis was thankful he was given such a chance.  
  
To be able to completely forget about that night, when he broke down in Ardyn’s presence, was more than he ever asked for.  
  
Opening his eyes for the first time in the morning was the hardest. His lids felt so heavy on his eyes, as if they weighed a ton each but he only needed time. It was the same every morning after all. It was always the same.  
  
But Noctis couldn’t ignore how much fun he had, last night. He could barely remember how it happened but he followed one of the guys he fucked for fun in the bathroom stalls of one of the clubs he liked the most. A good fuck, always and that guy was always gentle enough with him. Not that Noctis cared. He had followed him, because the guy had promised him some fun and they reached that place after hours of walking, Noctis too drunk and high to clearly see where they were heading to and he quickly found himself in the middle of a proper orgy.  
  
Now, that had been a first, Noctis couldn’t even deny it. And he had been so shy at first, seeing all these naked bodies, entwined with each other, so many cocks and pussies and he hadn’t known what to do, at first, too intimidated to be even invited for such an event. The guy hadn’t hesitated, really, he had undressed with a wild smile on the lips and he had fucked the nearest guy while a woman quickly decided to lick his asshole. Noctis had moaned in need.  
  
He had threesomes, with Nyx and being fucked by two guys at the same time truly was one of his kinks but this ? This was above everything he ever imagined and Noctis didn’t wait long before he decided to join in.  
  
Quickly, he had found himself naked in the middle of the group. At the middle of the attention, really. Guys were taking turns at having him suck their cock, while others were fucking him as hard as they could. They had used lube, at first, to prepare his hole and it had been quite welcomed, Noctis couldn’t deny this. He had all kind of cocks. Small ones, big ones, some with condoms, others didn’t care to use one. Even women fucked his ass with dildos and Noctis was quite certain he never came as much as he did that night. And he found himself covered in semen too. There had been sperm everywhere over his body. Mostly in his mouth, though. Fuck, it was all he ate that night.  
  
And now, as he was slowly waking up from his slumber, Noctis was .. sore, to say the least. So sore his body didn’t feel like it was going to cooperate. There were people around him, Noctis could feel their breathing and there was an arm around his waist and a cock still buried in his ass. Wait, that cock was hard. Someone was fucking him while he was sleeping. Oh, well, if they were enjoying themselves ..  
  
The moan that escaped his lips was hoarse, Noctis slumped on his belly, letting that guy pound into him properly now. Noctis was barely feeling anything at this point. There was no pleasure, no pain either. Just .. Just the feel of a cock buried into his ass and taking him with such enthusiasm Noctis wanted to smile back at that guy and spread his asscheeks for him. But he was too weak for now, Noctis could barely move and soon, sleep caught up on him again. It was alright, Noctis thought. He could wake up some time later.  
  
Coming back to his senses was even harder this time because Noctis was in need of a proper dose, this time. When was the last time he had one ? He remembered snorting coke on someone’s back, at some point but it was all. Already, his hands were shaking hard and he was so cold and so in need of it. Completely naked too, Noctis could barely feel his limbs. It could barely feel his body and it took him quite some time to be able to move his arms again, to push himself into a sitting position and he opened his eyes, at last.  
  
The room he had been sleeping in was .. Empty. Except from a couple of mattresses on the floor, there was nothing at all and the soft lights coming from .. what ? A fish tank ? Noctis wasn’t sure it was one. The water was green, as if it hadn’t been cleaned for quite some time. But the neons were still working and it was the only source of light in the room. It was enough for him to see that someone had brought him his clothes. They were waiting near his feet and it took Noctis all his strength to pull them on again.  
  
His body was so sore now. More than that, it was painful. His jaw ached and his asshole .. He couldn’t even think of a word to describe how agonizing it was to sit right now. He was feeling so stretched, as if something still was buried deep inside him but he couldn’t feel anything in. Good, Noctis thought. Well .. Better than nothing. But as he dressed up again, and from the little lights coming from the tank, he could see how bruised his skin was. It was dark purple around his hips, he had hickies all over his chest and his legs .. His legs were shaking in pain from all the brunish marks adorning them.  
  
They probably were rougher than he first thought. But .. Noctis couldn’t bring himself to care.  
  
Standing up wasn’t easy. His body felt weak, all wobbly and the ground probably wasn’t plane, was it ? Putting on his shoes was the most difficult task he ever performed and Noctis gave up on it. He was going to fall, if he tried again and he didn’t want that. Even if the ground was covered in mattresses. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand again if he fell.  
  
In a moment of consciousness, Noctis patted his pockets and he found his phone. At least, it was still there. His bundle of coke was gone but this, Noctis had expected it. There had been only enough for him to last a day and he was pretty sure a day had passed. It felt like a day, at least. Fuck he truly was dazed, if he didn’t know if a day had passed or not.  
  
The .. room’s exit wasn’t far, Noctis walked toward it, pulling his phone from his pocket, turning it on and trying to write a text to his dealer, to tell him he was going to need something to put himself together as soon as possible. He didn’t send the text right away, because he didn’t know where he was. Maybe the man would be able to give him a ride home ? His money was home, after all, he’d have to if he wanted to be paid. And Noctis would throw in a tip, for the ride. It was fair enough, wasn’t it ?  
  
Stairs weren’t easy in his state but Noctis managed them without falling. He had to grip the railing as hard as he could, really, his hands shaking from exhaustion and his mind going blank for a moment. Noctis asked himself if he wasn’t just going to fall down the stairs and break his spine but he didn’t. And he quickly leant against a wall as he reached the bottom of the steps, breathless from the effort and he took his sweet time to rest.  
  
“Oh hi there !” a woman chanted and Noctis startled. He hadn’t seen her but he was almost certain she had just appeared out of the blue in front of his eyes. “You good babe ?”  
  
“Y-yeah,” Noctis groaned and his voice was almost too weak for him to hear it.  
  
“We did bath you but I advise you to take a shower when you arrive home, alright babe ?”  
  
Noctis nodded but he couldn’t even make out the woman’s face. All he was seeing was a blurry smile. And he was properly panting now, as he needed his dose, as he needed it to focus and feel better. He didn’t want to break down again. He had done so well since his last meeting with Ardyn, two months ago, he had done so good and he was at his best now. Well, obviously not right now but .. When he was feeling better, he truly was good. He didn’t need some rich guy telling him what to do. He didn’t need Ardyn to trick him with sex.  
  
“One hell of a week it was, eh babe ?” The woman smiled, touching his face and was she kissing him now ? “You’re welcome to come back anytime. You were amazing.”  
  
The world seemed to spin around him, Noctis pushed his head against the wall, trying to form coherent thoughts but he had only one thing in mind now. “A .. week ?”  
  
“Yeah,” the woman laughed. Why was she laughing ? What was even funny in this ? “You should eat something, when you arrive home though,” she then advised in a gentle tone. “Drinking semen isn’t quite enough for you to survive and you haven’t swallowed anything but that. And don’t worry about the coke, it’s on the house !” she giggled. “You provided us with quite the entertainment, we surely can’t ask you to pay it back.”  
  
With that, she kissed Noctis again, she showed him the exit and Noctis shivered as the cold of the night bit his skin. He had to blink several time while he was looking around him, blinded with the street lamps but at least, he was seeing something. Was it why he couldn’t see the woman just before ? Because he had been in the dark ? Was it that tired, that he couldn’t even realize there were no lights around him anymore ?  
  
Noctis wrapped his arms around his chest, as he stepped forward, toward what looked like the exit of the propriety. There was a small garden and one of these white fancy fences like he had only seen in movies before. It creaked, when Noctis pulled on it. He couldn’t remember that detail from the moment he arrived with that guy. He couldn’t remember anything at all and Noctis took in a shaky breath, he looked around himself and started walking along the street without truly knowing where he was heading to. Nothing about that street was remotely familiar to him and Noctis was sweating profusely despite the cold. And he knew exactly what was happening. His body was begging for his next dose but his bundle was empty, when he pulled it from his pocket and Noctis tried not to whimper in need.  
  
Maybe he could go back ? Ask for a dose, to feel more like himself and push away the confusion ? Looking over his shoulder, Noctis watched the same fancy white fence lining along the sidewalk, from one house to the other. A perfect line, of perfectly identical fences and he didn’t know which house he just left. But he needed it, so dearly and his stomach growled and he was starving. Was it true, what she said ? Did he eat nothing but semen ?  
  
Pain shot through his body, Noctis stopped his tracks and he rubbed his face, trying to push away the sweat and his hair at the same time. All he managed to do was to claw his skin because of how shaky his hands were and he groaned in frustration. This was bad. Worse than he ever felt before and tears of frustration started to roll down his cheeks.  
  
No, Noctis told himself, shaking his head. He was going to be good. All good, soon. He only had to find where the hell he was and all would be fine. He couldn’t be that far from home, or from the club, after all. He remembered how long the walk had been to the orgy. But they had gone there by foot. He couldn’t be that far away from home.  
  
Houses so similar with each other lined up along the road he was following, Noctis was watching them with unfocused eyes. Was it a trick of his mind ? Because he didn’t have his dose ? Or just some strange, family like neighborhood ? He could imagine kids running down the street and playing around, riding bikes and playing chase.  
  
What the hell was he doing in such a place ?  
  
Noctis eventually reached the end of the street, he stopped in the middle of the crossroad and he looked around him, confused. Where was he supposed to go now ? There were no signs. No indications. Nothing at all and Noctis chose his direction randomly because he had no other choice.  
  
His legs eventually gave up. Noctis didn’t know how long he walked in that infinite place. Mere minutes or hours but the night was still dark and the only light came from the street lamps. He had tried to hold himself against one, because, well, it was the closest thing to reach for but now he was sitting against it, leaning against cold metal and Noctis was scared.  
  
It was the first time in a long time he was feeling properly scared. Terrified, even. Of being lost, at first, but not only. He just had to wait for the morning, for someone to walk by him to ask where he was and he wouldn’t be lost anymore. It was as easy as that. Nothing to worry about, really. But .. The woman had said a week, didn’t she ?  
  
Noctis choked on air, he closed his eyes but he couldn’t hold back this time. He threw up on the sidewalk, his stomach clenched and what looked like half digested sperm escaped his lips. And it went up for a couple of minutes, making him cry because of how it painfully burnt his throat and mouth, with that acidic taste and it was the most disgusting thing ever. And he had done disgusting things in the last few months but this was the worst. There was blood, too. Quite the quantity of it even, Noctis had to admit. And he gagged several times at the smell, he had to leave that spot, but he couldn’t walk anymore. So he crawled. He dragged himself to the next street lamp, and he hugged it tight so he wouldn’t fall.  
  
A week. It couldn’t be true. It really couldn’t but .. He was starving, wasn’t he ? His stomach begged for food, his body was weak, his mind was dizzy and he was crying harder than he ever did before.  
  
He couldn’t remember a thing. The only images to enter his brain were those of the orgy, when he found himself surrounded with so many people to please, so many cocks to suck and so many to allow in his ass. He remembered that beautiful woman sucking his cock dry, too, with her beautiful blue eyes. Noctis was pretty certain it was all she did for a while. Lying under his belly, his cock deep in her throat and sucking it like her life depended on it. She had been fucked, too. She opened her legs to anyone, just like he had let anyone fuck him. She had sucked his balls dry. She had thanked him, too.  
  
Had it been the woman who talked to him earlier ? Noctis had no idea. Either way, he couldn’t remember more than that. Well, there also had been that guy fucking him in his sleep but Noctis wasn’t conscious for a long time enough to remember it clearly.  
  
Then, all was darkness.  
  
Noctis started to hyperventilate, at the thought he had forgotten a whole week. A week of debauchery, if the woman’s words could be trusted. She hadn’t sounded like she was lying, really and she had thanked him, even. A whole week of orgy and Noctis couldn’t remember a second of it. His body could, if his bruises were proof enough of what happened to him but besides that, there was nothing. Nothing at all.  
  
Tears were running down his cheeks freely now, there wasn’t enough coke in his system for him to hold back now and Noctis was pretty certain no amount of powder could help him in that moment. Nothing could help, at all and despair started to snare his heart. He was so fucked up. He had been high enough to forget a week of orgy and he couldn’t begin to imagine what people would say, if only they knew. What would Nyx say ?  
  
He’d probably hold him. Noctis needed his friend, his only true friend from his new life. He missed Nyx. They had seen each other not so long ago, Noctis spent the night with him and he was starting to feel more than friendship for the man. Because Nyx always was here, Nyx never disappointed. He needed that man in his life, Noctis figured and each time they were seeing each other, Noctis wanted to tell him but the harsh reminder of the words Nyx once said hit him, each time.  
  
“I like you a lot Noctis but .. I can’t get attached. I’ve lost all the people I once loved and I can’t bear to lose you too.”  
  
Noctis could understand. Of course he did. They were the same, weren’t they ?  
  
But Noctis didn’t have Nyx’s number to call him for help. He wasn’t even sure Nyx owned a phone and it wouldn’t have helped anyways. Because Noctis didn’t know where he was, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Should he knock at some random door and ask for directions ? It was the middle of the night. People would ignore it or worse, beat him for daring to wake them up. Nobody would care. Nobody would help.  
  
Noctis wailed, as he hid his face in his hands and he trembled hard. He was a mess. He was such a mess and he deserved everything happening to him. Because it was his fault Luna died, he had to suffer, to find himself in such a situation. If only he had seen the car, if only he had been able to brake before the impact, he could have saved her. That other car wouldn’t have crushed the side of his and wouldn’t have broken Luna the way it did. And she'd still be alive and well, without him. Maybe he shouldn’t have taken her to that restaurant in the first place. Her favorite restaurant, he had wanted to please her so much and she had smiled all night long. Noctis couldn’t remember her face but he could remember her smile. Such a perfect smile.  
  
She sure wouldn’t smile, were she seeing him right now. Desperately crying his eyes out and choking on air and unable to breath, even. She’d probably hate him, for what he became, she’d hate the man he was now but he couldn’t have continued to be the one she had loved anyways. That guy didn’t exist anymore, Noctis had made sure of it. That man who didn’t even cry at her funeral. He was gone for good now and only was left the mess he was, crying like he never did before and hoping he was just going to disappear from this world.  
  
It was too painful for him to continue without her but he wasn’t courageous enough to face her wrath in the afterlife.  
  
A noise in his back startled him, Noctis pushed himself on his feet without really knowing how, he ran, as much as he could before he collapsed against a wall, hidden from sight, his body trembling like a leaf. Adrenaline was burning his veins and he was so panicked now, so scared someone might see him and hurt him and Noctis reached for his phone but he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t call the cops, they’d probably lock him up somewhere and let him rot. His dealer .. Well, was his dealer. Not a nanny, nor a friend. He sold him cocaine, was all he did. He wouldn’t come for him. He had no reasons to. Not even the money Noctis had to offer.  
  
Why didn’t Nyx have a fucking phone ?  
  
Noctis wailed in utter panic, as he didn’t know what to do, he looked around himself. What if someone caught him now ? What if someone caught him and wanted to hurt him ? He wasn’t even sure he could fight back, he was feeling so weak, so helpless. Breathing was hard enough already so fighting back someone ? Noctis shook his head quickly to himself, eyes wide. His quick breathing wasn't helping either, his mind was going blank, he was feeling dizzy and he had to hold himself on the ground so he wouldn’t fall.  
  
And it hurt. It hurt so much. His whole body, his whole mind. It was all so painful and all Noctis wanted now was his dose, he wanted to stop feeling at all, forever, he wanted to stop thinking but he had to leave that place first, he had to find a way.  
  
Noctis choked again. He was petrified, he had no strength left and he was alone. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. Not in that place, at least, not in that street he didn’t know about. He could be left alone in his clubs and his flat and his streets. Not in a place he didn’t know about and Noctis had to ask for help. He had to call that one person he always had been able to count on. The only one who’d understand. Maybe. He wasn’t even sure but at this point, what else could he do ? What the hell was he supposed to do, if not call him ?  
  
The number came naturally, when Noctis pushed the buttons of his phone, he slowly held it up to his ear and he waited, startled with each waiting tone, until it clicked and a tired voice answered to him.  
  
“Yeah ?”  
  
Noctis shivered hard at that voice. It felt like an eternity since he last heard it and new tears started to run down his cheeks. Not the same tears of panic, though. It was relief, now. Utter and complete relief and yet, Noctis couldn’t find it in him to talk, to say anything at all.  
  
“Someone’s there ? I can hear you breathing !” moaned the voice and Noctis closed his eyes, sobbing again. Why was he feeling so good, now he was hearing that voice ? Why was he feeling so good, now he was hearing his best friend’s voice ?  
  
“P-prompto,” Noctis stuttered, his voice barely a mutter. “I-it’s me, it’s Noctis ..”  
  
Noctis could almost see Prompto push back his blankets and sit up in his bed, shocked with the situation but he didn’t let his friend speak. “P-please, help me,” Noctis begged, sobs making his voice crack up. “I-I don’t know where I am .. I-I d-don’t know .. I just .. wanna go home ..”  
  
“Noct !” Prompto exclaimed, his enthusiasm piercing his ear and Noctis flinched.  
  
“Please ..” Noctis begged again, pushing himself against the wall who was supporting him and wrapping his free arm around his legs.  
  
“Noct, I .. I’m ..” Prompto stuttered but he eventually cleared his throat. “Where are you ?”  
  
“I don’t know …” Noctis shook his head and he closed his eyes. “I don’t know, I just .. Help me ..”  
  
“I will,” Prompto said, and it sounded like a promise. Then he breathed out slowly. “I will find you but you have to help me, alright mate ?”  
  
Noctis nodded, even if Prompto couldn’t see him and his friend clicked his tongue.  
  
“You have to tell me what you can see.” Prompto instructed slowly, in a reassuring tone. “Look around you, tell me what you see.”  
  
Noctis forced his eyes to open again, he looked around, shaking on his butt and he shook his head. “I-It’s .. I don’t know,” Noctis muttered. “Please, Prompto, you have to promise. Don’t tell the others,” Noctis begged, feeling like throwing up again. “D-don’t tell my dad.”  
  
“I won’t,” Prompto promised slowly.  
  
“I don’t want to see them ..” Noctis continued, grabbing his hair and closing his eyes, gasping for air.  
  
“You won’t, I promise,” Prompto stated, his voice as posed as possible. “But you have to help me find you, okay ? You have to give me hints. Tell me what you see.”  
  
“A-always the same house,” Noctis muttered. “With fancy white fences. S-so many of them ..”  
  
“Are you still in Insomnia ?” Prompto asked and Noctis could hear him type on his computer as quickly as possible.  
  
“I don’t know !” Noctis exclaimed, his frustration taking over. “I have no idea, I .. I just ..”  
  
“Okay, okay,” Prompto whispered. “Just calm down, alright ? I’ll be there as soon as I can but I can’t do anything if you don’t give me more than that ..”  
  
“It doesn’t look like Insomnia,” Noctis eventually stated. “I .. I can’t see the Citadel.”  
  
“Can you stand ?” Prompto asked softly. “Can you try and find a store or anything that could give me an address ? A street sign maybe ? Try looking at mail boxes if someone put their address there ?”  
  
Noctis nodded slowly, but he was still feeling so weak. His arms trembled as he pushed on his hands, to try and force himself to stand again and he wobbled against the wall who had been hiding him until now. But he soon was able to walk down the sidewalk again and he heard Prompto call for him on the phone.  
  
“Noct ? Still there ?”  
  
“Yes,” Noctis nodded, an arm wrapped around his belly and looking around tas he was walking. “I’m .. I’m trying to find something but ..”  
  
“It’ll be alright,” Prompto assured him, in a gentle tone. “You don’t have to worry, alright mate ? I’m going to find you, I just need you to be brave ..”  
  
“I’ve ..” Noctis started but he hesitated and new tears blinded him again. “I’ve fucked up so hard ..”  
  
“Let’s focus on our task for now,” Prompto sighed and Noctis heard him sniff. “Is there anything on the mailboxes ?”  
  
“No,” Noctis muttered, frowning as the tags of the mailboxes were all blank. “Nothing at all.”  
  
“Continue to walk then,” Prompto encouraged him. “Even if you have to take it slow. You can do it, right ?”  
  
Noctis nodded slowly, he continued, just like Prompto told him to. His breathing was ragged, by now, he was starving and thirsty and the taste of semen still rested heavy on his tongue, as well as the metallic flavor of blood.  
  
“I .. I .. Bring water, okay ?” Noctis asked, rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand. “And food ..”  
  
“Noct ..” Prompto whispered. “What happened ? Are you hurt ?”  
  
“I-I don’t know what happened,” Noctis admitted in a new sob. “I .. A week passed and I .. I can’t remember. I’m so scared Prompto ..”  
  
“I-I know,” Prompto’s voice wavered this time and Noctis bit his lip. “But you have to focus on what we’re doing. Can you see anything at all ?”  
  
Noctis shook his head, he continued walking straight in front of him, taking no turns in hoped it would lead him somewhere, anywhere and he was biting his lips hard now. Hard enough to draw blood. What even was this place ? It took him time to realize but it looked so empty. Pretty little family houses but no car, no toys in the gardens, no curtains at the windows. Ghost houses but why were the lights on in the streets ?  
  
“You still there, Noct ?” Prompto asked and Noctis quickly nodded.  
  
“Yes.” was his short answer.  
  
“Alright, I’m ready to go, I have packed food and water,” Prompto explained. “I’m waiting for you to give me your location.”  
  
“I .. It looks like it’s abandoned,” Noctis muttered on the phone. “It’s so silent.”  
  
And he continued to walk, with only Prompto’s breathing on the phone to accompany his every steps, until there was no street anymore. It stopped so abruptly that Noctis was startled when his feet weren’t on macadam anymore and he had to look down to see he was walking on grass now. But then, he looked up again.  
  
“I .. I can see the Citadel,” he whispered.  
  
The twin towers of the Citadel looked so far away, from where he was, so far and yet he could recognize them clearly. The sight alone sent chills up his spine and Noctis sat down because this time, he knew his legs wouldn’t take him further away. They kept jerking on their own accord, painfully and Noctis groaned.  
  
But at least, he could see Insomnia.  
  
“Alright,” Prompto said with a smile. “Anything else ? Do you know what side of the Citadel it is ?”  
  
“N-North or south,” Noctis nodded slowly. “I can see the red neons at the top of it.”  
  
“That’s good Noct, really good,” Prompto whispered an encouragement. “Can you see the highway ? It should be at your left.”  
  
Noctis blinked, looking left, took his sweet time to watch and he eventually shook his head. “No. No highway.”  
  
“Alright, I’ve got you,” Prompto stated in a determined tone now. “I know exactly where you are and I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. You hold on tight, alright ? I’ll keep you on the phone, on speakers, you tell me if you move or if anything happens, okay ?”  
  
“I .. I won’t move,” Noctis muttered, trying to hold back new tears.  
  
“I’m coming for you, Noct.”  
  
Noctis listened to it all. He listened to Prompto rushing out of his apartment, slamming the door so loudly it startled him, he listened to Prompto taking a lift and soon he was in his car and driving. Noctis could hear him cursing because of slow drivers and red lights, he was pretty sure Prompto ran some of them but he didn’t care.  
  
His best friend was coming for him. Without even a hesitation. Prompto was coming for him and Noctis felt relief take over, he started to cry again, even with how his eyes were burning from .. He didn’t even know. But they were aching.  
  
Panic came again, when Noctis wondered what Prompto was going to think of him. He had changed, after all. He was pretty sure Prompto was going to step back, when he saw him in such a state. Who wouldn’t, after all ? He was a mess. Such a mess and Noctis started to tremble. But Prompto was coming. This was his only certitude, in such a moment. That and the fact he still needed a proper dose. He wasn’t going to last long if he didn’t take one. Maybe he could send a text to his dealer on his way back to Insomnia ? Ask him to meet him at his place ? It was late, but never too late to call him, after all.  
  
“I think I see you,” Prompto said on the phone and Noctis looked up. A car was coming his way. It was still far away but it was coming and Noctis nodded slowly, hope slowly building in his heart. “Can you walk to the road ?” Prompto then inquired and Noctis looked down at his legs, still shaking from the previous effort.  
  
“No,” he muttered. “I-I can’t, I-I’m sorry ..”  
  
“It’s alright,” Prompto immediately soothed him. “I’ll just ..”  
  
He didn’t have the time to finish his sentence, Noctis saw him lead the car off the road and drive on the grass. Which Prompto would have never done, if he didn’t want Cindy, his girlfriend who also happened to be a car lover, to yell at him but it probably didn’t matter tonight. Prompto stopped the car, he turned the engine off and rushed out of it, quickly wrapping himself around Noctis and Noctis crumbled.  
  
This was what he had needed. All this time but tonight, above all. To feel the embrace of his dearest friend, to have Prompto hold him so tightly he couldn’t breath anymore. Prompto had done so, after Luna’s death but Noctis had been so immune to anything that he didn’t feel it. Tonight ? Tonight, he was feeling it all, entirely. The warmth of his friend’s body, the way he was trembling, sobbing as much as he was. He was feeling the pain in Prompto’s heart but also his relief upon seeing him alive, if not well. Noctis was stunned with it all, still holding the phone against his ear and his body was doing strange things. But he was breaking down, properly and he eventually closed his eyes and he let Prompto hold him.  
  
Noctis didn’t know how much time passed. Did he fall asleep at some point ? Did he blackout ? But when he opened his eyes again, Prompto was still here, holding him and sniffing against his shoulder and his hands were shaking on his back. It had been minutes, maybe ? It felt like minutes.  
  
“I’ve got the food,” Prompto whispered, his voice cracking under his heavy emotions. “And water. You wanna try it now ?”  
  
“P-please hold me,” Noctis begged, shaking his head and Prompto gave in without a fight, he held him even tighter than before and Noctis finally dared to hold back, grabbing his friend’s clothes and his hands clenching on the fabric of his shirt.  
  
Alright, Noctis thought. At least, Prompto was a mess the same way he was, now. A complete mess of sobs and tears but wide smiles and Noctis rested his head against his friend’s shoulder, his heart heavy. He couldn’t say he had missed his best friend. Mostly because he had been too smashed most of the time to even think about him, just like he had avoided to think about Luna. He and Ignis and Gladio, the best friends he ever had and not once did Noctis miss them. Guilt was crushing him again but it was going to be fine now, wasn’t it ? He hoped it would. But it was going to be so hard too.  
  
“How did you end up here ?” Prompto eventually asked, settling more comfortably against his friend and petting his hair. “This place is an abandoned estate, all the houses have cracks and it’s meant to be destroyed,” Prompto then explained, kissing the top of his head. “No one is supposed to live there anymore.”  
  
“I .. I don’t .. remember,” Noctis muttered, shaking his head. “I-I was in Insomnia and then I woke up there and .. I don’t know how. I …”  
  
“It’s alright,” Prompto sighed, in a gentle tone. “We’ll figure it out together.”  
  
“No, it’s all .. I ..” Noctis groaned in frustration. “There’s nothing to ..”  
  
He fell silent again, unable to find the words to explain it to Prompto and Prompto nodded.  
  
“Okay, don’t force it,” he whispered. “Just .. Tell me .. what you want to do now. Do you want to come back home ? To come back to .. your father and us .. ?”  
  
Noctis pondered his choices for a moment but he already had decided what he was going to do. His previous life had ended, didn’t it ? It had ended with Luna’s death and he couldn’t go back to it. So it meant he only had one choice left.  
  
“No,” Noctis muttered softly. “I .. I .. have a place to live. I have money, I just ..”  
  
Prompto pinched his lips but he eventually nodded, pulling away from the embrace to look at his best friend’s eyes. “Let me at least come with you, alright ?” Prompto whispered. “I just .. I want to make sure you’re .. fine, okay ? See your place and fill your fridge even, if you need me to.”  
  
It took a moment for Noctis to finally agree. He wasn’t sure it was a good idea to show Prompto where he was living but .. It didn’t mean anything, right ? He had called for him, after all, Prompto deserved a show of trust, at least. Even if just a tiny one.  
  
“Good,” Prompto smiled up again, his blue eyes shimmering in happiness. “Now, what about you eat a little ? And I have a sweater in the car, you’re freezing here !”  
  
And here he was again, with his usual easy going attitude, always happy and never brooding. Prompto always was like a sunshine, even during the darkest days and Noctis watched him walk to the car and bring him just what he just said. One hell of a sandwich wrapped in aluminium foil and a bottle of water. Noctis didn’t wait long after he put the sweater on and he quickly started to eat, relieved to have some food in his stomach and trying to ignore what he had been eating for the last week. Semen really couldn’t be considered a proper meal, could it ?  
  
Noctis was feeling quite full, when he finished the sandwich, he rested his weight against Prompto so he could drink some water but the shaking of his hands was starting to get out of control. He had to do something, and soon before the withdrawal symptoms started to become unbearable. And it truly wasn’t the time to enjoy the view on Insomnia and look up at the stars.  
  
“You feel better ?” Prompto asked and Noctis nodded.  
  
“You’ll have to help me stand,” he muttered.  
  
Prompto helped, carrying his weight until he could sit on the passenger seat and Noctis bit his lip hard when he pulled on his phone again and sent a text to his dealer, to meet him at his place in half an hour with the usual. The answer wasn’t long to arrive, he assured him he’d be there and Noctis tucked his phone back in his pocket as Prompto was maneuvering the car back to the road.  
  
They sat in silence for the first minutes, the two of them too lost in thoughts to think of something to say but as soon as they reached Insomnia’s doors, Noctis led Prompto in the streets, to the building he was now living in. Prompto never speak at all. Not even once and Noctis knew what it meant when someone like Prompto was holding back. He had many things to say but he didn’t dare to speak. He probably was scared. This neighborhood wasn’t the kind of places Prompto often found himself in, after all.  
  
Prompto had to help him stand again, and walk up the so many stairs to his room but when they reached it, when Noctis pulled the key from under the welcome mat and opened the door, he could have sworn Prompto was about to faint. Well, it wasn’t that his room was a mess .. But it kind of was one. But it wasn’t his fault, Noctis knew. It was small so he had to make the best of it. There was barely enough space for a two person bed, all his cleaned clothes were thrown in a corner, the ones he had cleaned last week where hanging anywhere he could have hung them, and his tiny bathroom was merely big enough for him to stand in. But it was enough. It was always enough.  
  
“You don’t have a kitchen ?” Prompto asked, because it probably was the only thing he could ask and Noctis nodded at his microwave oven.  
  
“Right there,” he stated. “Sorry for the mess, I .. I don’t bring many people here.”  
  
“And you’ve lived there since you disappeared ?” Prompto inquired, not even daring to sit down on the bed.  
  
“Yeah.” was Noctis' short answer.  
  
There and in Nyx’s bed, sometimes. But that, Prompto probably didn’t need to know.  
  
Noctis sat down on his bed after that, turning the bedside lamp on and running his shaky hands through his hair. He had to wait five more minutes, now, for his dealer to come and he didn’t care if Prompto saw this. Prompto wasn’t Ignis, after all, he wasn’t going to mother him the way his other friend did and from the look of it, Prompto was awkward enough to stay quiet tonight. A rare feat but he probably was shocked with all the info he had received tonight. Noctis could understand that. He’d be shocked too.  
  
But he was starting to feel restless now. He needed his dose and each passing minute felt like a torture to him. It was starting to be painful to just sit there and he wished he could go to the club. He didn’t care which one, he wanted to drink vodka and dance. Well, his legs couldn’t carry him anymore but they would, someday. And he’d go back to the club. He’d find Nyx again and they’d fuck and he’d go back to that life. Because it was all he had now and Prompto had no control over it. He had called Prompto to help him leave that weird place only. And only for that.  
  
Minutes ticked, Noctis was biting his lip to try and stay put but he stood up immediately when he heard a knock at his door. Without thinking, he pulled a box from under his bed, searched for a couple of bills and he pushed himself to his feet, wobbled to the door and opened it.  
  
They didn’t need words. Noctis didn’t even know his name but he knew his dealer was a discreet man. He handed out the money, his dealer slid the nice bundle of coke between his fingers and he turned away without a pause, pulling his hood back on his head and heading to the stairs. Noctis locked the door, after that, he sat on his bed again and he breathed out in relief.  
  
There. He had it, right in his hand. Just the feel of the small bundle between his finger was making him feel better and Noctis glanced at his bedside table, he pulled an old card and cleared his throat.  
  
“You don’t have to watch,” he told Prompto and he could almost feel his first fidget on the side. “Just turn away, it’ll only last a second.”  
  
“Do you have to ?” Prompto muttered, awkwardness in his tone and Noctis nodded.  
  
“I need it. I .. I can’t .. I can’t do without it anymore.”  
  
Noctis didn’t wait longer to unroll the small elastic from around the bundle, making sure he wasn’t going to spill any speck of it. He couldn’t waste it away, not when he needed it so much and Noctis poured some of the powder on top of his bedside table, he used the card to created his lines, his fingers so unsteady now that he had to do it again at least three times and he quickly snorted the two first lines. The familiar burn up his nose immediately came back, Noctis closed his eyes, moaning in pleasure and sighed. This was it. This was all he needed now. That and vodka and sex.  
  
Well, Noctis chuckled. He was going to have to wait before he had sex again. His asshole was too sore for now, it was going to need some time to stop being that painful but as soon as it’d be repaired, he’d go back at his old routine. He loved this life. He loved it all. And he especially loved the way he started to float again, when the powder began to act on his nerves, helping him relax and just let go of everything.  
  
And he moved on his bed until he was lying down, a smile on his lips and his arms spread on each side of him. Ah, that was good. That was perfection and Noctis didn’t need anything else now.  
  
“So ..” Prompto muttered and Noctis felt his weight on the mattress right next to him. “That’s what you’ve been doing all this time ?”  
  
“Mostly,” Noctis nodded, a smile tugging at his lips. “What about you ? You asked Cindy to marry you yet ?”  
  
“I um ..” Prompto hesitated but he eventually sighed. “I just .. It felt wrong when we didn’t know where you were.”  
  
“Why ?” Noctis asked, opening his eyes again and looking at his friend. “But you know where I am now. You can ask her.”  
  
“Why ?” Prompto repeated with wide eyes. “Do you even know how much we all miss you ? Fuck, Noct, Gladio hasn’t stopped searching for you yet ! And your father .. He had to go to the hospital because of all this !”  
  
Noctis could have felt a pang in his heart, if it hadn’t been for the floating of his mind. He was above his physical envelope again, his body didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was the peace inside of him and he closed his eyes.  
  
“You tell them to stop searching then,” he whispered, with a sigh. “Tell them I’m fine. That I just .. Found another life to live, and that I’m happy. I’ve never been better before ..”  
  
If Prompto had any answer, he didn’t say. But Noctis could feel his eyes burning holes into him. Not that he cared. His mind was so light. It must have truly been some shitty powder he used, back at that place if it made him blackout a whole week. The cheapest thing on the market, not good enough to make him feel that good. But he trusted his dealer more than anything. The man knew what he was talking about, when he spoke about his products, when he had said this coke was the one Noctis needed. He had been right. He had been so right.  
  
But there also always was a little voice, at the back of his head. A terribly familiar voice, one he hadn’t heard in months that was telling him that it was all an illusion, that he was going to crash hard again, and soon, at that. Harder, even, that he had earlier in the night when all he could do anymore was to called for his best friend to help him. And that voice, Noctis couldn’t bear to hear it again. Not now, not when he was feeling that good.  
  
Noctis shook his head, to try and pry it away but it was no use. It was there, strong in his mind, so strong he could barely make out his own thoughts, he could barely think of anything else than that and he wanted for it to stop talking, to stop telling him that it was time for him to give up, it was time for him to accept the reality of his life. That he was done hiding now, that what happened, with his blackout and the week he couldn’t remember was enough for him to stop bathing in his own illusions. That it was time for him to face his deepest fear, now, to look up and tell himself that he could live on his own, that he could go one with his life, even with all that happened ever since she died.  
  
And it was telling him to accept every painful thoughts. Even when he was thinking that having sex with a guy was better than anything he ever felt with Luna, that he enjoyed taking care of cocks, even if he was going to need a pause for a long time now. That he was gayer than he ever thought and it was alright because he wasn’t betraying her. He never betrayed her, and he’d never would.  
  
It was Luna’s voice. And she wasn’t angry, she wasn’t disappointed either. She was sad. Only sad.  
  
“I .. I miss her.”  
  
Noctis wasn’t certain he was the one who spoke just now but he could feel himself crumbling down again, he could feel the clouds who always were holding him up in the air, out of his feelings’ reach, pop one by one and he was falling with nothing to catch him before the impact.  
  
“We all do,” Prompto whispered, his voice as gentle as it always was.  
  
Noctis' eyes widened. He was going to crash. Luna was right and she was floating right there, right in front of his eyes. She was beautiful, in her summer dress, a beauty like he never saw before. But then she was covered in blood again, then she was dead again and Noctis whimpered at the sight, he tried to close his eyes but she was there too. Why couldn’t he forget, this time ? Why couldn’t it work ? It had worked for a couple of minutes and it had been so good but now, his heart was pounding, his veins were burning and he couldn’t breath.  
  
“P-please, Prompto ..” Noctis begged and soon, Prompto pulled him into his arms, as tightly as he could, but he didn’t know what to do more than that.  
  
Noctis shook his head so many times his neck started to ache, he kicked in the air for Luna to leave him alone but she held up her hand and she touched his cheek. But then she was gone, all gone and all was left of her was the taste of copper on Noctis' tongue and the need to throw up again. And he did just that, he barely managed to avoid the bed and he threw up on the ground, on some of his clothes.  
  
Prompto gave him an old shirt for him to clean his mouth, he left the bed to go grab a glass of water while Noctis was whimpering, sobbing on the bed, trembling like he never did before. Or maybe he did but he couldn’t remember. He only wanted to go to sleep, for that day to be over at last. A week, he had spent doing he didn’t even remember what with strangers and his body felt so abused and it was sore and Noctis wanted to close his eyes and sleep but it was too hard, it was too difficult. He thought it would be better with his dose but it truly wasn’t. If anything it made it even worse.  
  
“Here, Noct,” Prompto whispered, pushing the glass of water against his lips. “Drink up.”  
  
Noctis drank, only because he wanted to get rid of the taste and Prompto quickly cleaned the ground, throwing the soiled clothes toward the bathroom for him to deal with them later. Then, he got on the bed again, where Noctis was now a mess, his arms wrapped around his legs and Prompto pulled on the blankets until he could cover him up.  
  
“You’ll be alright, Noct,” Prompto muttered, lying down right in front of him and holding him tight. “You can cry all you want now. I’ll take care of you. I’ll never leave your side again.”  
  
Noctis nodded. This was Prompto’s promise. And Noctis knew he was going to hold it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter four ! So happy ! So loooong !
> 
> Next chapter will be the epilogue. And it'll be way shorter!

“Hi Luna.”  
  
These two words probably were the hardest Noctis ever said. They were simple, he had said them so many times in the past, before his life turned into Hell but saying them right now, was the hardest.  
  
It was the first time Noctis was coming to the cemetery since the funeral. The very first time and he was shaking already. The guilt from not coming earlier for her was heavy on his shoulders and Noctis already was on the edge of crying but this was something he had to do, this was something he couldn’t run away from anymore.  
  
To face Luna, to tell her everything and to ask for her forgiveness.  
  
It wasn’t an easy task though and Noctis had prepared himself well to come. He had spoken about it with Prompto for a long time, slowly building the courage necessary to do it, he had talked with his best friend about the deep anxiety in his heart and how he hated himself for everything that had happened but Prompto always was able to find the right words to make him feel better. And he had said Luna would forgive him. She always would.  
  
The cemetery was beautiful, Noctis told himself as he was holding back his tears and looking anywhere but at the grave. He needed to be distracted for a moment, to be able to calm down and sooth the pain in his heart and the shaking of his hands, so he looked around and he smiled. It was so green, all around him. Tourists often found themselves here by mistake because they thought it was a park but it really wasn’t. And they’d leave when they saw the tombstones.  
  
There was only grass on the ground. So much grass it was a wonder in a city like Insomnia. The whole cemetery was covered with it and the graves often blended with the alleys but people didn’t mind it much. Most of the graves were covered in flowers. Not just in pots and in bouquets, but it was a tradition to plant flowers on the grave, to come tend to them and watch them bloom.  
  
White lilies on Luna’s grave. Her all time favorites. So fitting. Prompto once said her mother came all the time to take care of them.  
  
Trees all around the cemetery offered the visitors a nice shade, during the hottest days and Noctis was thankful for them. He knew he was going to stay here for a while, before he was done with his task and he wouldn’t have enjoyed staying out in the burning sun.  
  
And he was sitting, in front of the tombstone, his legs folded in the fresh grass and his back hunched, with the weight of his feelings on his shoulders. Umbra and Pryna were lying around him, comfortably resting in the grass and Noctis wondered, for a moment, if they knew where they were. If they knew Luna was buried just here, a couple of steps underground. They probably did. Luna’s dogs always were quite smart, after all.  
  
“I, um ..” Noctis trailed, his voice hoarse with the emotions. “I know I should have come earlier. I missed your anniversary and your birthday,” Noctis snorted, looking away from the stone and he swallowed back his tears. “What a pitiful boyfriend I make, huh ?”  
  
No one answered. Of course, no one was going to answer, Luna was dead, she had been for a little longer than a year now. Fifteen months. It had passed so quickly.  
  
“Prompto said I should come,” Noctis continued, still unable to look at the stone. “He said it would help so here I am… I .. I’ve been through a lot, Luna. And .. Things weren’t easy.”  
  
Trying to distract himself from his tears, Noctis reached out to touch Umbra’s fur, he petted the dog with carefulness, so he wouldn’t wake him up and he smiled.  
  
“I guess seeing you die .. fucked me up,” Noctis admitted with a soft nod. “I just .. I snapped. I left, I hid in Insomnia and .. I did everything to forget. T-to forget you and ..”  
  
Without thinking, Noctis reached up for his necklace, he grabbed the pendant tightly, his lips were trembling so hard now and his eyes burning but he didn’t want to cry. Not in front of her, not like that.  
  
“I .. I’ve seen Hell, Luna,” Noctis looked up at the tree’s foliage, he forced himself to breath out slowly. “I was in a dark place and I thought I could live there forever and be happy. It wasn’t true, though. I-it was .. It was all a lie.” he nodded at himself. “A lie I kept telling myself because it was easier than facing your d-death and .. the cocaine helped, I guess.”  
  
The mere thought of it made him gag and Noctis turned his head away, he pushed his lips against his shoulder and closed his eyes for a second, to force the feeling to go away and leave him alone. He wasn’t going to throw up, not today and especially not on Luna’s grave. He didn’t want her to see that.  
  
“Alcohol too …” Noctis forced himself to continue, when he felt a little better. “You know how I never really enjoyed that but .. I was drunk, every day and it made me feel better. It made me feel .. normal. Kind of. I really wasn’t. But being drunk and high all the time .. It was .. Like living another life. One where you .. you didn’t exist. Where you didn’t die.”  
  
Noctis glanced at the stone, he forced himself to smile and he touched the pendant of his necklace. “I’m .. clean now. Completely clean. I haven’t touched either of them in six months now and I don’t want to ever again. It’s .. Fuck, Luna, I fucked myself up so hard.”  
  
There wasn’t much more he could do to prevent himself from crying and Noctis pulled the paper handkerchief Prompto gave him the previous day after Noctis told him he was going to visit Luna’s grave. He pushed the handkerchief against his eyes, trying to stop the tears before they could run down his cheeks but it was too late already. He couldn’t hold them back anymore and he was left to just wipe them off his cheeks.  
  
“If you only knew how much I took ..” Noctis snorted, looking away again and shaking his head. “It’s a wonder I didn’t overdose with it all but I guess I was lucky for once. I mean .. Yeah, I was lucky.” he sighed. “Lucky Prompto was patient enough with me and .. H-he helped me. He pulled me out of it.”  
  
Noctis hummed, so he wouldn’t laugh and he forced another smile. “You wouldn’t believe how much I struggled though. Because each time I was clean enough, each time the coke was fading from my system, I’d just .. break down again. Hard.” Noctis explained and he sighed. “And I begged him for other doses. I begged him on my knees and I .. I even tried to suck his cock for it.”  
  
This time, Noctis let himself laugh. It was a bad memory, really but Prompto always brought it up to mess with him, as friends. “Ah, yeah, I should tell you this now,” Noctis felt his cheeks heat up a little. “I’m .. um, gay ? Like .. Really gay ?” he glanced at the stone, almost as if he was waiting for Luna to appear in front of him with wide eyes and shock written all over her face. “I just .. I guess I never truly thought about it before, I .. I loved you and I didn’t ask myself these questions. It was just so natural. But yeah, I’m gay.”  
  
Noctis could remember well how hard it had been for him to accept it fully. Because he had slept with so many guys, he had sex with so many of them but he never truly sat down and thought ‘I’m gay’. He had lied to himself about that too, trying to ignore the obviousness of his orientation. Because it would have meant betraying Luna, too.  
  
“So yeah, I tried to suck Prompto’s cock for a dose.” Noctis continued with the previous topic a little more easily now. “I .. I can’t explain how hard it was to be clean again. Alcohol was easy enough, I think,” Noctis sighed, and he glanced at the small tattoo at the crook of his right arm. Merely a date, really. The one of his last glass of alcohol. It didn’t mean much, Noctis kept telling himself, because he had enjoyed a pint or two of beer since that day but it was the last time drinking heavily happened. The last time he got properly drunk, behind Prompto’s back because Prompto wouldn’t let him drink anything but water at this point, and then throwing up everything on himself and on Prompto. That was how Prompto discovered what he had done. And that was how Noctis got almost completely grossed out with alcohol.  
  
The date at the crook of his left arm was more recent, though. Six months ago, almost exactly and Noctis stared at it, a small bubble of pride building in his core.  
  
“I thought I was going to die, when I stopped,” Noctis admitted. “I-I thought I was .. It was so painful. My body .. It needed its doses, all the time, every days. I couldn’t sleep anymore, I could barely eat .. Prompto, he .. He helped me through all of it.” Noctis sighed, but he was ashamed, really. Ashamed of all the disgusting things he told himself, enraged because Prompto was refusing to feed him with his doses. He made them smaller, at first, making sure Noctis wasn’t just going to call his dealer to ask for more. It hadn’t been easy, Noctis became .. He became really good at being a jerk, at making Prompto think he was fine when he truly wasn’t. Making him believe he was clean when he had just taken a dose a moment before, hiding in the bathroom and pretending he was only taking a shower.  
  
Prompto punched him in the face, when he discovered it. Noctis called him names he never thought he’d call his best friend.  
  
“I was a terrible person,” Noctis eventually nodded. “I became so .. vile. I still .. I still don’t know how Prompto was able to handle all of it with his usual smile and not give up on me. He .. truly is an angel.”  
  
“I feel better now, though,” Noctis continued after a pause, looking at the grave again. “I .. I moved in in … our place, with a friend. Not .. Not that kind of friend, Nyx and I, we’re totally platonic,” he smiled. “We did .. mess around together, before I was clean and I think I kind of fell in love with him but it’s over now. Prompto says I loved him that much because he was the only one who truly gave me affection during this period of time. I think he’s right. But Nyx .. He was in a dark place too and I couldn’t leave him there so I took him with me.”  
  
Thinking of Nyx made Noctis smile a little more. He was happy to be living with him now. As roommates only, of course. There was affection between them, a strange form of love too but no more attraction. Noctis wasn’t even sure there had been one to begin with. He had always liked the man because he was so kind and gentle with him. But sex came from a need for release and for its high, not because he was attracted to Nyx and from what he spoke about with Nyx, it had been the same for him, all this time. They had been both alone and fucked up at the same time and they found comfort into each other. Nothing more.  
  
Now ? Prompto sometimes was jealous with how close they were as friends and Noctis had to remind the blond that he could be friend with more than just one person.  
  
“I, um ..” Noctis trailed, slowly straightening his back until he could lean on his hands behind him. “I miss you, Luna,” he whispered and he tried to ignore the new tears on his cheeks. “I’m not sure what you would have said about this all, if .. If you would have been shocked or .. Or just disgusted with me but I couldn’t live without you. I couldn’t and I didn’t even try.”  
  
“And .. I can’t tell you what happened for me to .. to snap out of it,” Noctis shook his head slowly, disgust threatening to take over. “But there was that guy I met, twice. An old guy with a stupid fedora. He said .. He said I’d wake up somewhere, one day and see how fucked up I was and .. It’s exactly what happened.”  
  
Noctis paused, looking around him and shrugging. “I probably should thank him, if I ever see him again.”  
  
That would be the most polite thing to do, wouldn’t it ? To thank Ardyn, if he ever saw him again. It had been a year since he last saw him, since he ran away from his flat after breaking down in his arms because his dose didn’t last long enough and thoughts about Luna took over. A year and Noctis had found himself avoiding his whole street. It was a good thing he didn’t have to go there often. He wouldn’t have dared, if it meant stumbling on the man again. Ardyn always had been a weird guy, after all but there was something Noctis could never forget or deny : Ardyn probably was the most beautiful man he ever stumbled on, during his darkest days. And despite everything, despite how he had let coke control everything, Noctis knew he had been attracted to him and that it had been reciprocal.  
  
But how could he ever face the man again, after what happened ?  
  
“I, uh ..” Noctis sighed, feeling a little more relaxed now. “The guys say hi. Gladio and Prompto and Ignis, I mean,” he precised, rolling his eyes. “Ravus, he .. left. He’s travelling the world. He said he was going to take pics all over the world and come show you some day. Don’t tell him I told you,” Noctis giggled. “My dad is good too. He almost had a heart attack when he saw me again and he had to go to the hospital because his heart kept messing around, but he’s good. He comes by, sometimes. You can’t imagine how much he loves Nyx. He’d adopt him if he could ! And Nyx loves him back a lot. It’s like having a big brother. Kind of.”  
  
“I made that, too ..” Noctis said, pulling on his necklace as if to show it to the grave. “It’s your engagement ring. I keep it on me all the time because .. It reminds me you’re still there, somehow, looking after us all. Prompto said your mom didn’t want it, she said it should be mine. S-she said I made you the happiest you ever w-were ..” he chuckled through new tears. “I told her you made me the happiest I’ll ever be.”  
  
“It’s hard to .. To be clean and to continue without you. To wake up every morning and know I’ll have to handle myself all day long and handle my emotions too,” Noctis muttered. “It’s really hard but to be with Nyx helps a lot. I’m not alone .. I’m never alone with these two fluffy beasts you left me,” He snorted, petting Pryna slowly. “And the guys come often to see how we fare. They .. They do their best but I’m happy they didn’t see me at my worst. Only Prompto did. It’s better this way.”  
  
“I’ll manage though. I.. I know I will,” Noctis nodded with a smile. “I’ve been thinking about going to college again. To go back at my writing classes too. I don’t know if it’ll work but I’ll try. You always said my stories were the best. Dad pays for us,” Noctis stated. “Even for Nyx. He said .. that I’d find a job when I’m ready for it. Nyx works with him now, he’s good with numbers from what he said. Don’t ask me what he actually does, though,” Noctis rolled his eyes.  
  
“I .. guess I told you most of it now,” Noctis smiled, looking at the stone again and feeling like his heart wasn’t as heavy as before. “My memory is kinda weird, since I’m clean, I tend to forget things but it’s getting better. The doctor said it was going to take some time but I’ll soon be back to my previous self.”  
  
“I think I’ll go now.” Noctis nodded at himself, slowly pushing himself on his feet again and dusting his butt. That immediately woke up both dogs, they looked up at him, yapping softly and Noctis smiled down at them. “Alright guys,” he called them. “Say bye to Luna and we’re off.”  
  
Noctis giggled when Umbra licked his palm and he glanced one last time at Luna’s grave.  
  
“Bye, Luna. Talk to you again soon.”  
  
Insomnia was a beautiful city, Noctis had decided when he came back to his flat, the one he now shared with Nyx. It didn’t help with the town’s image, to only see it at night, to only see its darkest side but walking down the streets accompanied with Luna’s dogs was a pleasure he never thought he’d feel. It was so simple, to be with them, to watch them carefully and to walk and enjoy the fresh air and the sun on his skin. He had missed that and now, Noctis would go out as often as he could with both dogs and with Nyx, too, when Nyx was up to it.  
  
Feeling comfortable to do so had taken some time, Noctis couldn’t deny it. It had been so hard, at first. It wasn’t much that he didn’t want to see people but .. He didn’t want people to see him. Getting clean also meant not seeing his deformed body anymore, from the lack of food and water, a meal every two days really wasn’t enough for him to keep his weight and he had lost so much of it, during that time. He couldn’t bear to see the pictures Prompto took of him during his own private rehab. But Prompto had said he was going to keep them, just in case. Just to show them to him if Noctis dared touching drugs again.  
  
The mere idea of it was making Noctis sick to the core and he’d rather die than take any drug ever again.  
  
But now, Noctis could walk the dogs freely, he could see people glancing at him as he walked passed them and not feel the same self-hate he used to. His body was in a better shape. Gladio had made sure of it, he had trained him and forced so much food into him that Noctis often thought he was going to explode and he threw up a lot too. Food had stopped being essential, after all and his body rejected it at first. Even after he was clean, after he left his bedroom and the dark side of his life and accepted to go back to his flat downtown.  
  
Now ? Noctis ate as much as he could and he happily endured every training Gladio would force him to go through with, three times a week at least. Noctis had no illusions, he’d never look anything like his friend, Gladiolus was a stud and Noctis always was lean and kind of scrawny. But his body looked less thin than before. And it was enough.  
  
There was only one thing Noctis couldn’t do yet and it was driving. Riding a car, he was fine with. Driving terrorized him like nothing before and he had panic attacks each time he tried. Even when he was with Prompto only, in a place no other car could crash into his and where it wasn’t even possible for him to mess up but it never worked. As soon as he was sitting behind the wheel, Noctis would start to hyperventilate, hands sweating and his body would shake from his head to his toes. Prompto had decided to give it up for now and Noctis usually preferred to walk or take a cab anyways. He was fine this way.  
  
And he had decided to walk, today. The cemetery was a bit far away from home but it also allowed him to walk the dogs, as they both needed it. Prompto had taken care of them while he was away, as they liked him quite enough and then Cindy, while Prompto was spending all his time with Noctis. But as soon as they saw him, the dogs refused to leave Noctis' side anymore. He didn’t even need to use a leash on them anymore, they followed him all the time and even wanted to lie down near the bathtub when he was taking a shower or a bath. It was alright, Noctis eventually gave up on trying to show them he wasn’t going to leave them alone again. And the fact they now were his official therapy dogs allowed him to take them almost everywhere anyways.  
  
Today was a beautiful day, Noctis had to admit it. The sun was shining, high in the sky already, as it was going to be noon soon, Nyx probably was cooking their lunch already and was waiting for him to come home. Nyx’s cooking wasn’t as good as Ignis’ but then again, Ignis was a chief in a really good restaurant and Nyx … He was learning thanks to videos on the web. Pastries, especially. It was pleasant for Noctis, as it meant he had all these things to eat almost everyday and Gladio would then curse at his friend’s roommate to feed him with such things. Noctis didn’t mind. He knew how they liked each other.  
  
Pryna barked, so suddenly it startled Noctis and he looked down at her quickly, with a slight frown. It wasn’t often when the dog would bark, she only did so when she had noticed something interesting, to catch his attention but except for the many tourists heading toward the Citadel, Noctis wasn’t sure why she was barking. She usually ignored all the people around them, focused on her task to walk right beside him, putting up with it when kids wanted to pet her. Barking with no reason was new.  
  
It was then Umbra’s turn to bark, Noctis’ frown deepened.  
  
“What is it guys ?” He asked them, stopping his tracks and they automatically sat. “What did you see ?”  
  
Before he could react, Pryna started to run in a jolt, as fast as she could and Noctis' eyes widened. It was the first time she was acting like this and what the hell was she doing ? Where was she going ? Oh, he hoped with all his heart, as he started running after her, Umbra following close, that she wasn’t going to get hit by a car. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it. Hell, he probably wouldn’t.  
  
Thankfully, he caught up with her quickly enough. Someone had grabbed her collar, kneeling in front of her and was petting her as gently as possible while she was wagging her tail happily. Noctis breathed out, his eyes focused on his dog and his heart beating fast in his chest, he shook his head as his sprint was making him pant now and he smiled.  
  
“The fuck was that Pryna ?” he asked her, giggling when she glanced at him and yapped. “You almost gave me a heart attack ! You silly dog !”  
  
Pryna didn’t wait longer to turn around and jump on him, her front paws resting on his belly and Noctis laughed, petting her head. “Don’t do that again.”  
  
Then, he thought about the guy who had caught her for him, he fixed an easy smile on his lips and turned his eyes toward the stranger, only to step back immediately, eyes wide in utter surprise.  
  
Ardyn. Ardyn was standing right there. Ardyn, with his weird clothes and his stupid fedora, his amber-coloured eyes locked on him and a strange look on the face. In a second, dozens of images flashed through Noctis’ mind, memories he was battling with on a daily basis, words Ardyn had pronounced, so true Noctis had to run away from him so they wouldn’t shatter the illusion he had casted on himself to avoid the harshness of his life. He had cried his eyes out in that stranger’s arms, after all, and he had ran away from him as fast as he could.  
  
But once the shock had passed, Noctis felt his heart beats settle to a slower pace, he breathed out, his hands stopped shaking and Ardyn looked at him from head to toes in the flicker of his eyes.  
  
“Hi,” he muttered, his voice sending shivers up Noctis' spine. “I guess she’s yours ?”  
  
“Y-yeah,” Noctis nodded and he raised his hand, snapped his fingers. Both dogs sat down immediately, watching Ardyn and wagging their tail in sync. Now that was weird. They never acted like this before.  
  
“You look better Noctis,” Ardyn said, tilting his head to the side. “Way better.”  
  
“I, um ..” Noctis felt his cheeks blush and he rolled his eyes. “Thanks. I’m .. I’m clean now. Six months.”  
  
“I can see that,” Ardyn smiled.  
  
There was a pause and Noctis blinked. He had hallucinations in the past. Not since a few months but it was hard to believe Ardyn was right in front of him. He had never imagined he’d see the man again but here he was and he looked exactly like in his cocaine-tainted memories. With his beautiful eyes and his stubbled cheeks, kind of wild auburn hair, silk like too. It was hard to believe his memories of Ardyn had stayed so strong when other quickly faded to a whole mass of blur but he couldn’t ignore how good it felt.  
  
Because Ardyn had been good, while he had needed it the most.  
  
Also, facing him again after speaking of him to Luna felt like she had sent Pryna to find Ardyn for him. But this was an impossible thing, wasn’t it ?  
  
“I, um ..” Noctis trailed, doing his best not to look at the man so impolitely. “I .. must apologize. I .. I was some idiot back then and .. And you were right, even if I didn’t believe you. You were right. I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s alright,” Ardyn chuckled softly. “I’m glad you made it through, that’s all. I went back to the club several times in hope to find you but they told me you didn’t come anymore.”  
  
“Yeah, I .. I asked for help.” Noctis forced a smile. “Something happened and I knew I couldn’t go on like this so .. I called my best friend.”  
  
Ardyn’s smile was sad, Noctis realized as he glanced up again. Sad and it broke his heart, just a little. He didn’t know why, he really didn’t but he wanted to reach out, to hug Ardyn and tell him he was fine now. Maybe Ardyn would have preferred to be proven wrong ? Or did he understand that Noctis had reached his lowest point in order to ask for help ? Exactly like he had predicted he would ?  
  
“I don’t have much time for you now,” Ardyn eventually stated, petting the dogs in turns. “What about tonight ? My place at 9 ?”  
  
Noctis blinked, taken aback by the invitation and Ardyn quickly smiled up at him.  
  
“No scolding this time, I promise.” Ardyn teased and Noctis eventually nodded.  
  
Speaking of it all with Ardyn seemed .. Weird, really. Because that man had seen all these dark parts of him, he had seen him break down and he had cared despite how they knew nothing of each other. And Noctis couldn’t break the promises he made with himself, he really couldn’t and even now, especially now, Ardyn looked like he could make him break them all but .. But part of him wanted Ardyn to know what happened. Part of him wanted to tell the truth to Ardyn, because it felt like he owed it to the man. Because Ardyn had known what was going to happen, he had known and giving him the details of it all would feel like completing a circle. Kind of.  
  
But it was something Noctis wanted out of his mind and maybe Ardyn could handle it ? It probably wasn’t wise to think that a total stranger would be able to help him with that kind of memories but .. Ardyn had witnessed his breaking down already, he had handled it with a lot of care. And Noctis would expect nothing from this meeting. Nothing at all.  
  
“Do you remember the address or shall I give it to you again ?” Ardyn inquired and Noctis shrugged.  
  
“I remember.”  
  
Ardyn smiled. “See you tonight, then.”  
  
And with that, and one last gentle pet for both dogs, he was gone and he disappeared in the crowd, leaving Noctis speechless.  
  
Why did this feel almost like a date ?  
  
Nyx was already waiting for him, when Noctis finally reached their flat. The dogs made their way to the kitchen, to beg for food and Noctis kicked off his shoes near the entrance, he followed them and the nice smell of roasted meat to the kitchen and he smiled as Nyx was now cutting slices for the two of them.  
  
“Tell them to scamper off,” Nyx muttered, focused on his task but bothered with the dogs as they both were walking on his feet and focused way too much on the meat. Noctis only needed a snap of his fingers to catch their attention again, despite how only the meat was important for them anymore, he silently showed them the kitchen’s door and soon, the two of them were gone, sitting at the door’s limit, ears up and almost drooling.  
  
“How was it ?” Nyx asked as simply as possible as he was now dressing the plates and making sure it looked perfect.  
  
“Good,” was all Noctis said, cleaning his hands at the sink and he lost focus for a moment. His heart was throbbing in his chest, in the most horrible way, tears pooling at his eyes again. He shouldn’t have waited all this time to go to her. What was she going to think of him, now ? That his feelings never were true ? Gods, why did he have to tell her he was gay ?  
  
“Alright, that’s enough of it Noct,” Nyx nudged his side and kissed the top of his head. “Push it away.”  
  
Noctis immediately snapped out of his stance, his hand shot at his necklace, at the ring and he nodded, turning off the faucet. “Thanks.”  
  
“Any time.” Nyx muttered with a smile. “Come and eat now, you’re probably starving.”  
  
They ate in silence and Noctis focused on that instead. On the feel of food on his tongue and how good Nyx’s cooking was getting. Nyx always was saying that he didn’t want to become a chief, that it was only a passion, that he was trying to honor his mother’s memory because she had been an amazing cook for him and his sister but Noctis knew better. Nyx looked up at Ignis for his skills and could never receive enough praises from the man. In all friendship, of course.  
  
Nyx once said he never was told he did good before and that it did amazing things to him. Noctis never doubted his words.  
  
After lunch, they moved to the living room, like they usually did. Nyx turned on the television, distractedly watching the news while Noctis was lying on his back, sleepy with his head on his friend’s lap. He hadn’t slept at all, last night, because of the apprehension to go to Luna’s grave but he did good, didn’t he ? Prompto had offered to take him there but Noctis had refused. It was something he had to do on his own and he managed. Prompto was going to be so proud of him for this.  
  
But soon, other thoughts started to flood his mind instead and Noctis closed his eyes, he shivered when Nyx started to run his fingers in his hair and he sighed.  
  
“I saw Ardyn.”  
  
Nyx didn’t react at first. Probably because he couldn’t remember who Ardyn was but Noctis was able to pinpoint the exact moment when Nyx understood who he was talking about. He tensed, his fingers stopped and a weird huff escaped his lips.  
  
“Isn’t he the guy you wanted to fuck so badly ?”  
  
Noctis chuckled. “Yeah.”  
  
“So what ?” Nyx inquired and Noctis looked up at his friend.  
  
“He .. invited me over tonight, at his place,” Noctis sighed. “To talk,” he added when he saw Nyx’s look harden.  
  
“Are you naive enough to think the two of you will only talk ?” He asked in a straightforward tone. “You said you were attracted to him. How did you feel when you saw him ?”  
  
“Weird,” Noctis muttered. “I mean, he’s hot. Fuck, you should see him,” he added, rolling his eyes. “But .. But I think he’ll listen if I told him about .. that.”  
  
That being the only thing he never was able to tell his friends. Not Nyx, nor Prompto. Even when Prompto had seen him right after it happened and had witnessed his state, Noctis never was able to tell him about it. He was ashamed of what happened that week, or what he knew happened. Ashamed of the state he found himself and how he couldn’t remember a thing. Even now, he didn’t have the faintest idea of what happened.  
  
“Then, I want you to give me his address before you go,” Nyx whispered and resumed with his petting. “And you text me when you get there and when you leave, okay ? I won’t be able to sleep if you don’t.”  
  
“Okay,” Noctis nodded because it would help him too. And he told Nyx the address right away. He never went anywhere without telling at least one of his friends, now. The fear of being lost again was too great for him to stop doing this and Noctis was terrified at the idea of finding himself in a place he didn’t know again with no way of finding his way.  
  
But at least, he didn’t use that joke of a phone anymore and he now had a smartphone with a GPS. And Prompto could access his location anytime if needed.  
  
Noctis eventually fell asleep on Nyx’s lap and he woke up alone with the dogs cuddling with him. Pryna in his arms and Umbra curled up at his feet. Nyx had placed a blanket over his body, and Noctis was feeling so good now, tucked this way on the couch and completely relaxed. But he knew he had to get up now.  
  
Nyx baked a batch of cookies in the afternoon, Noctis burnt his tongue when he ate them before they cooled down. And they both laughed so much about it that they ended up with sore bellies and jaws. Nyx baked another batch, saying how they’d eat them tomorrow and he hid them while Noctis was playing with the dogs, to make sure Noctis wasn’t going to eat them as well.  
  
Time passed too quickly, for Noctis' taste and it soon was time for him to leave for Ardyn’s place. He had called a taxi to come pick him up, he had taken a shower and dressed up properly. It probably had been weird for Ardyn to see him dressed in something else than his outsized tank tops and jeans. He would wear a simple dark shirt tonight, when that jacket he liked way too much. It would be enough. It wasn’t a date after all, right ? Noctis couldn’t believe it was one.  
  
Noctis felt so nervous during the ride to his destination. It was one of the first times he was going out on his own at night, since he was clean. There always had been someone to stay with him, the previous times, always and Noctis couldn’t ignore the tug at his guts and the need to tell the driver to bring him back home. But Nyx had trusted him with this. He had said he wouldn’t sleep before he was home, that he would wait for him to come back and he’d ask Prompto for the localization app if needed. It was good. Everything was going to be fine.  
  
The building hadn’t changed, except for the couple of bushes that had been added in front of the main entrance. It gave the place some warmth. It felt less cold, like that.  
  
The guy at the desk, the nightwatcher still was the same and he glanced at him once only before he went back at whatever had his attention. Noctis soon found himself in the lift, he pushed the right button and he waited. His anxiety was reaching terrible levels, now, his hands were sweaty and his breathing was becoming worse and worse with each passing second but Noctis focused on his breathing exercises, the ones Prompto taught him and made him practice and he was able to slowly calm down.  
  
Noctis stood in front of Ardyn’s door for at least ten minutes, unmoving and unblinking. His eyes were wide, as images were flashing through his mind, terrible images, triggered by his presence here alone. He didn’t even know why he was here anymore, he didn’t even know why he said yes. He had taken an oath and Noctis was so scared to break it. He knew Ardyn had that power.  
  
Noctis was attracted to that man, after all.  
  
He knocked before he could realize what he had done. He didn’t know what pushed him, nor if he did it consciously and Noctis used the couple of seconds he had left before Ardyn appeared to close his eyes and shut down every voices in his head. But the door opened and silence came.  
  
The smirk on Ardyn’s lips was a sight to remember. It was nothing like the ones he remembered, nothing like these cruel smirks Ardyn served him in the past. No, this one was charming and Noctis was able to calm down as soon as he saw it.  
  
“Hi,” Noctis muttered, his voice sounding nothing like himself and Ardyn stepped aside in silence, he nodded at him to enter.  
  
“Are you nervous ?” Ardyn asked, as an introduction and Noctis didn’t find the strength to lie.  
  
“Yeah,” he whispered, taking off his jacket and leaving it to Ardyn to hang near the door.  
  
“Why ?” Ardyn blinked.  
  
Noctis forced a smile. “Are you expecting me to let you fuck me ?”  
  
If Ardyn was surprised, it didn’t show on his face and he didn’t hesitate when he shrugged. “Not at all. It hasn’t passed my mind. I only wish to speak.” he nodded. “Beer ?”  
  
“I’ll have water, thanks,” Noctis said and Ardyn quickly showed him the way to the living room and busied himself in the opened kitchen.  
  
The view from the windows was amazing, Noctis thought. He could see the higher floors of the Citadel, from here, its beautiful neon lights, the ones that probably saved his life, back then. And the so many cars in the streets, leaving trails of red and white lights in the darkness. It was still early, for a city like Insomnia, it wasn’t going to sleep just now and the Citadel was opened to visits at night, for tourists to enjoy the view over the city from the top of the tower. Prompto had said it was beautiful. Noctis never took the time to go there but he would, sometimes.  
  
The living room had changed, Noctis couldn’t help but notice. He could remember black leather couches but they had been replaced with light brown ones, in cloth this time. High quality ones, of course, Ardyn didn’t seem to be in need of money but they looked more comfortable than the previous ones. Not that the couches ever were one of his preoccupations before. The bed had been. But Ardyn was quite aware that nothing would happen between them, or so it seemed.  
  
Knowing that he had promised, Noctis turned away from the view, he pulled the phone from his jeans’ pocket and sent Nyx a text, with the floor and the door’s number as well as the address of the tower again, just in case. He told him he was here already. Nyx answered with a smiling emoji.  
  
“Remind me to turn on the over in half an hour,” Ardyn smiled, as he was sitting down on the couch and placing his glass of water on the coffee table. He tasted his beer, hummed in pleasure and looked up at Noctis. “So, Noctis, how was life since our last meeting ?”  
  
It was asked so casually that Noctis had to smile. He chuckled, even, at the familiarity in Ardyn’s position, at how relaxed he was on his seat and he shrugged, walking to the couch, sitting down and folding his arms on his chest.  
  
“I’m clean,” Noctis said and he knew he said it already in the morning but Ardyn didn’t seem to mind. “From both coke and alcohol.”  
  
“It shows,” Ardyn commented and he placed his own glass on the coffee table. “These chubby cheeks are a wonder on your face.”  
  
Noctis had to snort at that, he glanced at the man’s easy smile and he shook his head. “Come on, don’t start with the teasing.”  
  
“Merely stating the truth,” Ardyn smiled. “You .. remember what you looked like, right ?”  
  
“I do,” Noctis admitted. “My friend took pics, to show me if I ever .. was tempted again. But I haven’t felt that kind of craving since my very last dose. I’ll never do that again.”  
  
Ardyn hummed in agreement. “You can be proud of yourself,” he said. “You come back from one hell of a place.”  
  
“I .. I know,” Noctis forced a smile. “And .. I really have to apologize again. I just .. I guess I wasn’t ready to face the truth.”  
  
Ardyn’s lips now formed a straight line, emotions slowly faded and he nodded in understanding. “You don’t need to apologize, Noctis. To know you pulled yourself back together is enough.”  
  
“I-I ..” Noctis looked away from the man in shame. “Y-you were right, with what would happen. I-I woke up one day in a place I didn’t know and ..”  
  
“You don’t have to speak about it if it’s too painful,” Ardyn muttered before Noctis could continue but Noctis already knew he had to do this, at least. He had to tell someone. And if Ardyn became a stranger again after that, it would still be good. All he wanted was to force these images and these memories out of his mind.  
  
“It started as an orgy in Insomnia,” Noctis stuttered, shaking hard and not daring to look at Ardyn anymore. “A-and I was feeling so good but .. I-I woke up in .. in a strange place and .. A-a week had passed and I c-couldn’t remember a thing. I-I didn’t know where I was nor how I ended up here and .. All I know is that I probably .. got fucked by a lot of people and sucked a lot of cocks. All I ate for a week was sperm and .. Fuck, Ardyn, I’m so scared to remember.”  
  
There it was. That thing he never admitted to anyone before. He had avoided the subject many times, he had made sure people would stop asking about it. People being Nyx and Prompto, really. He usually said he preferred not to talk about it but the truth was just that. He was terrorized he may ever remember every detail of what happened during that week of blackout and he was scared it might force him down to Hell again.  
  
“Noctis,” Ardyn called as gently as he could, his amber eyes burning and he waited for Noctis to look up to continue. “Do you allow me to hold you ?”  
  
Noctis immediately nodded and Ardyn shifted closer, he wrapped his arms around his body and pulled him into a tight hug. One that brought back bittersweet memories but Noctis soon was able to forget about them, he pushed his head against Ardyn’s shoulder and he closed his eyes. He could stay here, couldn’t he ? He could hide in that guy’s arms and wait for the memories to fade, wait for everything to become a blur again. It was alright, Noctis told himself as he breathed in Ardyn’s perfume. He wasn’t alone anymore. He had Nyx, back at home and Nyx would never say no, if he asked to spend the night with him and cuddle together in bed and not leave it in the morning. Nyx loved to cuddle, even if he said he didn’t. He loved lazy mornings.  
  
Ardyn was patient, though. Noctis couldn’t ignore how much patience that man had, to hold him like that, to rub his back as gently as possible, to try and sooth him and to be a proper, decent human being.  
  
“I ..” Noctis muttered after a couple of minutes, his eyes dry now but he didn’t want to leave the man’s arms. “Can you keep holding me ?”  
  
“Sure,” Ardyn nodded, shifting into a more comfortable position. “What kind of a bad host would I be, were I leaving my guests to cry without offering any sort of relief ?”  
  
Noctis laughed at that, it made Ardyn smile and kiss the top of his head.  
  
“You .. asked me why I cared back then,” The man continued, his tone a little more serious now. “I can answer that question of yours, if you’d like.”  
  
“Y-yeah,” Noctis agreed, despite how he could feel how uncomfortable he was going to get with the answer.  
  
“Ah,” Ardyn sighed. “My parents .. They abandoned us, my brother and I. When we were fourteen and fifteen,” he explained in an equal tone. “We were adopted quickly, by amazing people who couldn’t have children. They were .. are loving parents who gave us everything. I wouldn’t be where I am now without them. But fifteen years old me couldn’t understand that. All I had in mind was the rejection from my slut of a mother and even now, I’m not even sure this guy was my father.”  
  
Ardyn paused at that, he breathed out slowly. “I was so angry at them and .. I ran away. I didn’t have money, I .. slept in the streets and basically fell into the same shit you did. Cocaine.” he almost spat the word. “I just .. didn’t care anymore. Destroying myself was more important than anything else but I had to pay for my doses and I didn’t have a job so I … Well, let’s not get there,” Ardyn smiled, kissing the top of Noctis’ head. “I snapped out of it when I woke up with blue toes and nothing to warm up because I had sold my blanket and my shoes for a dose.”  
  
“H-how did you .. ?” Noctis asked but he didn’t have to finish his sentence.  
  
“A social worker found me, she took me to the hospital and I followed one of those programs for the homeless. I waited to be finished with rehab to go back home again.” Ardyn sighed. “I thought my mother was going to faint when she saw me.”  
  
“My dad was kinda shocked too,” Noctis smiled.  
  
“I’ve been clean for the last twenty seven years.” Ardyn stated with pride. “But when I saw you in that club .. I just .. I had to help you. You reminded me so much of the brat I used to be and .. And I wanted you to feel better. To get out of it too.”  
  
There was a silence and it stretched so long Noctis wondered if he wasn’t going to fall asleep now. He really didn’t need the reassurance anymore, his heart was beating at a steady pace in his chest and his breathing was posed and calm but feeling the warmth of Ardyn’s body, his sturdy build and how carefully he was holding him .. Noctis had a hard time pulling himself out of his arms but he eventually did. Because there was one thing he had to tell that man.  
  
“I .. We had a car accident,” Noctis nodded, and he pulled the ring from under his shirt, held it tight into his hand. “We were engaged. We were supposed to marry soon and we were on our way back home when some guy ran a red light and hit us. She died on the spot. I could only .. watch.”  
  
Noctis bit his tongue, so he wouldn’t choke, tears pooling in his eyes again but Ardyn grabbed his hand, his thumb caressing his skin.  
  
“Do you have any idea how strong you are, to have walked through hell and back after this kind of event ?” he asked and Noctis snorted at his strange question.  
  
“I was coming back from the cemetery this morning,” he managed to articulate, even if it was difficult. “The dogs, they’re .. They were hers.”  
  
“You truly are one courageous boy, Noctis,” Ardyn nodded, reaching out to rub his back again. “What about I take care of our dinner now ? So you have the time to breath a little on your own ?”  
  
Noctis nodded, Ardyn left toward the kitchen and the air seemed a little lighter now.  
  
This was good, Noctis had to tell himself. To know Ardyn still was there, so close, getting busy in the kitchen while he was working on his own to feel better, to push away the memories. They had opened their heart to each other, they had spoken of their darkest moment and Noctis would have never imagined Ardyn went through that kind of moments. Because the man looked so comfortable with his surrounding, he looked happy and it gave Noctis some hope, really. To know that one could heal from these wounds, heal entirely and feel happiness again, when he still had a hard time believing he’d ever feel completely comfortable with the world again. When he still was unable to push away the anxiety and think that the world was staring at him, as if they knew what he had done, as if they knew how gross he had been.  
  
Ardyn looked like he stopped caring about it all and Noctis could follow that kind of an example. And to hear Ardyn say how courageous he had been helped soothed his pain, too. Praises always worked on him after all, didn’t they ?  
  
Ardyn set the cutlery and plates on a tray, after he turned on the oven, he brought it to the living room, set the table here, and not in the dining room and Noctis watched him do so curiously. Ardyn didn’t look like the kind of guy to eat dinner on the couch, he looked proper and like he had manners but he wasn’t going to complain. The couch was too comfortable for him to leave it right now and he even dared kicking off his shoes and folding his legs under him.  
  
Ardyn only smiled when he saw it but he didn’t scold him. Noctis took it as a permission from his part.  
  
Only a dozen of minutes later, Ardyn was back with him, a huge plate in the hands and Noctis had to laugh when he saw a pizza on top of it. Ardyn really didn’t look like the kind of guy to eat on his couch, but to eat pizza on the couch ? It felt totally out of character but then, he remembered the man’s offer, from his last visit here. Ardyn had proposed him to stay, saying he had pizza leftovers to spare him if he was hungry. Was it the promised pizza ?  
  
His laughter made Ardyn chuckle and the older man quickly filled both plates, he gave one to Noctis and smiled.  
  
“One long promised pizza,” Ardyn nodded. “Homemade. I hope you’ll like it.”  
  
Noctis didn’t wait long to stuff his mouth as fast as he could, moaning as the many flavors washed over his taste buds. It was good. It was so good that he probably could live on that for the rest of his life. Prosciutto and mozzarella, with one hell of a tomato sauce, chopped onions and rocket leaves. Noctis really wasn’t fond of green things but he could make do for tonight. Gladio would be happy if he told him he had rocket leaves. The fact that it was on top of a pizza wasn’t important though.  
  
“I love it,” Noctis mumbled as he was licking his lips. “I’ll eat it all.”  
  
“Go ahead,” Ardyn laughed, nodding at the plate. “I’ve made it especially for you, after all.”  
  
Noctis tried not to blush at that, embarrassed that Ardyn actually took the time to cook, even if it was just a pizza but he quickly helped himself with another slice. His manners weren’t the best right now but the mere smell of the pizza was enough for him to feel like starving, as if he hadn’t eaten in days and it was too good to deny himself that pleasure.  
  
And he didn’t feel the need to fill the silence either. It was just the two of them enjoying themselves around a nice, simple meal and Noctis was feeling more and more comfortable. It didn’t feel like he had opened up like this to Ardyn, mere minutes ago, it felt like he was meeting with an old friend and catching up, somehow. Not that he ever did anything like talking with Ardyn before, it all had been more physical but Noctis was well aware of how clear Ardyn’s image had been in his mind, for the past year. Like a beacon in the darkness of his life, despite how they only met only twice. Noctis had tried to speak of it with Nyx.  
  
Nyx said Ardyn probably hit his wrecked brain in a way that couldn’t be explained. And that over thinking it would just lead to headaches and no answer.  
  
A full belly was a feeling Noctis had started to love more than anything else, since he was clean. To feel like his body had just what it needed to keep him going. There always had been the frustration, with both coke and alcohol, because he had always known that he’d never have enough, that he had to think of when he was supposed to take his doses and where he would be and that kind of things. Food ? Noctis hid a stash of candies and biscuits in his bedroom and he’d eat whenever he felt like it. And after such a meal, he’d be at ease for a long time. And there wouldn’t be that never ending craving inside him. There wouldn’t be that constant need of his next fix.  
  
It was a good thing Gladio talked him into going to the gym every week, too.  
  
Ardyn was looking down at his phone, when Noctis got a little more comfortable on the couch, his now empty glass of water in his hand and hoping he didn’t appear rude for eating that much. The man had made no comments about it but there was that voice at the back of Noctis' head, telling him he shouldn’t have eaten that much. The voice of his anxiety, Prompto had said, once. One to ignore. It wasn’t always easy. But Ardyn was acting just like before, with an ease that probably was one of his characteristics. It was like he cared about nothing in the world but he cared, still. He had cared for him, all that time, didn’t he ? To remember details about their previous meeting, such little details, Noctis knew Ardyn probably thought of it before and it made him wonder to what extent.  
  
That and the fact that despite everything that happened, Ardyn had invited him over for dinner and had been nothing but a perfect host and a confident. Fuck, that guy truly was something else, wasn’t he ?  
  
But even now, Noctis was kind of stunned to see how familiar all his features felt to him. From the stubble on his cheeks to the curve of his smile, the beautiful colour of his eyes, one he had never seen before. Noctis could remember the shape of his muscles from the moment he had touched his back, and the silk-like feel of his hair. Had it been because of how almost cleaned he had been at that moment, that the feelings were that strong ? Or just because Ardyn was just .. so friendly ?  
  
“Your bathroom still is at the same place, big boy ?”  
  
The smirk that pulled Ardyn’s lips made Noctis shiver hard, as well as his side glance but he nodded in silence and Noctis quickly locked himself in the bathroom, he breathed out slowly and looked down at his groin area, trying to will away the start of an erection.  
  
“Fuck,” Noctis muttered under his breath. He had known it was a bad idea to come for that exact reason. That there were promises that only Ardyn could make him break and Noctis wondered if he truly was that stupid. Because he hadn’t had sex ever since that orgy. First, because his body had needed time to heal. It had needed weeks for some of the bruises to fade from his skin and his abused hole to stop hurting at all. Along with other problems that had needed the help of a proper doctor.  
  
But the mere thought of having sex again disturbed him so much for a long time. Even if it was with Nyx, really. It probably was why their flatsharing worked that easily. Noctis didn’t want to have sex again and Nyx would never try talking him into it. Noctis even suspected his friend to have a boyfriend. Nyx had started to act weird, a couple of weeks ago, his phone rang at strange hours of the night and sometimes, when he woke up, Nyx was gone. All the hints were there, weren’t they ? Nyx had a boyfriend.  
  
Noctis had stopped having sex at all, really and he had done so good. Sex also had been an addiction, Noctis was quite aware of it. To give his body to strangers, just for the delicious feel of release, to feel the contentment of it over his drugged senses. It had been quite a lovely sensation. And Noctis had gotten addicted to it. After what happened ? Noctis wasn’t eager to do that again.  
  
Finding himself near Ardyn, though ? That had been a mistake. Noctis could see it clearly now. He had thought his attraction for the man had been triggered by the drugs and his constant drugged state but it really wasn’t. Ardyn was a gorgeous man. An older man too but Noctis had quickly realized that his tastes in men included that option. There was grace in the way he acted, there was beauty in him too. And that voice of his ? So deep and Noctis remembered clearly his teasing purrs, all these dirty words escaping his mouth during foreplay, the way he had told him what to do, how he had talked to him with such calmness despite how badly he had wanted him. Him, Noctis. The completely drugged and smashed Noctis.  
  
Noctis knew this had been true, to some extent. Ardyn had wanted him, despite his state. Was it still the case ?  
  
This really wasn’t the kind of things Noctis should think about while he was trying to calm down, to push away his start of an erection. It wasn’t helping and Noctis couldn’t believe how stupid he was. Grabbing the edge of the marble countertop, Noctis closed his eyes, he breathed out slowly and he tried to focus on other things. Things that had nothing to do with Ardyn.  
  
It wasn’t the easiest task done, when everything around him reminded him of the man and when his perfume seemed to be floating in the air. But he eventually managed, after what felt like an eternity and it was his anxiety that brought him back to reality. What was Ardyn going to think from all the time he had spent locked in here ?  
  
Noctis flushed the toilet, splashed some fresh water on his face and dried it slowly before he left the bathroom, keeping his eyes away from the man at all. He had a plan and he was going to follow it to the point : not look at Ardyn, not touch him at all, have some random conversations if Ardyn wanted to, not even fantasize on his voice and leave as soon as he could. Maybe he could ask Nyx to send him some random text, just to give him a false excuse to leave that place ?  
  
How ironic was it, to want to run away from Ardyn’s apartment for the third time. It truly felt like he was unable to stay there and only leave when he was supposed to, didn’t it ? Fuck, that guy truly had a strange effect on him.  
  
Ardyn was still checking his mails when Noctis sat on the couch again, without the care in the world and Noctis had to ask.  
  
“What’s your job, by the way ?”  
  
The plan truly needed another point : not thinking about how Ardyn’s laugh was making him shiver.  
  
“Ah,” Ardyn sighed, glancing up and smiling. Noctis didn’t look. But he could almost feel it. “It’s not important.”  
  
Noctis tried not to groan in frustration and he tensed when Ardyn set down his phone and hummed.  
  
“What about you ?” the man then asked.  
  
“I don’t work for the moment, my father .. He can take care of our needs,” Noctis nodded slowly. “I’ll go back to college when I feel like I can do it again. And I used to take writing classes so .. That too.”  
  
“Writing ?” Ardyn inquired in sheer interest. “What do you write ?”  
  
“Things,” Noctis rolled his eyes, trying to stay as vague as he could. Only Luna ever read his novels and he preferred for it to stay like this for now. “I haven’t tried writing again yet since .. All this happened.”  
  
“Give it a try,” Ardyn smiled with a nod. “Maybe try writing about your experience ? It could help you a lot too. And help many other people out of drugs, if you’re ever published.”  
  
“I .. don’t know,” Noctis shook his head. “Luna loved reading my stuff but no one else ever was allowed to. It felt too .. personnal.”  
  
Ardyn sighed. “I get it,” he said in a gentle tone. “Taking your time is all fine though. You’ve got a whole new life to figure out. And I’m sure you’ll manage,” he added, pushing the bangs away from Noctis' eyes, away from his face.  
  
It was then, that Noctis made a mistake and failed his plan. The gesture made him look at Ardyn right in the eyes, it made him see the beauty of that man. Both of his looks and of his heart and Noctis didn’t have the time to realize when his body started acting on his own. Without thinking, he pushed on his knees, to lean toward Ardyn, he grabbed these silk-like strands of hair and he kissed Ardyn.  
  
It was hesitant, at first. Mostly because Noctis was quite stunned with his own boldness, and it really hadn’t been the plan to kiss Ardyn out of the blue like that. And Ardyn, well .. He hadn’t predicted it either. The two of them had a hard time figuring out what to do with all this and Noctis decided to wait, for any reaction from the man. But Ardyn soon was touching the small of his back, pulling him toward him without forcing it, as if he was leaving Noctis the choice to continue or to break the kiss if he wanted to but still telling him what he wanted at the same time.  
  
It made Noctis moan against those perfect lips, but he soon was wrapping his arms around Ardyn’s neck, one hand still buried into that luscious hair and Ardyn holding him so gently he might melt. Noctis moved slowly to a comfortable position, until he was sitting in Ardyn’s lap, at a safe distance away from his hips to make sure Ardyn wouldn’t notice how hard he was already. He would never handle the shame and he was pretty sure Ardyn would laugh at him. Not in his mocking way. Probably not. Noctis didn’t want to find out.  
  
Tongues joined the kiss, Noctis remembered well the way Ardyn had held him the other times, almost naturally tilting his head the exact same way and he moaned again when Ardyn’s fingers touched his skin, when he pulled his shirt up just to add more contact, just to feel more than before. The warmth of these fingers sent shivers down Noctis' spine, he choked and Ardyn smiled. But Noctis couldn’t touch anything but that man’s hair. It was alright, though, Noctis thought. It was alright to need to hold on something because that kiss was mind blowing. It was as if his body remembered, as if it wanted more, even a year later. It needed to finally feel Ardyn’s, to finally find out what it was, to commune with that man and Noctis broke the kiss as suddenly as it started, he leant back when Ardyn tried to catch his lips again.  
  
“I-I .. I haven’t had sex since .. That thing,” Noctis admitted, not daring to look up. “And I’ve had problems. Syphilis and other disgusting things. It’s all gone now, I finished the treatments but ..”  
  
“Are you already thinking of taking me to my bed ?” Ardyn teased, bringing back a smile on Noctis’ lips. “Your pace, my boy. We don’t even have to do more than kissing, if you do not wish to. You just guide me, alright ?”  
  
Noctis shivered, as Ardyn used that old nickname he gave him back then, he wasn’t sure he liked it still but he eventually nodded. He wanted Ardyn, more than anything right now. And he had tried to resist. He did try, even if it didn’t last long but how could he resist ? He was attracted to Ardyn, Ardyn was attracted to him in return, if these heavy lids on beautiful amber eyes and the way he kept wetting his lips with the tip of his tongue was any indication of it. And maybe he needed this, tonight ? To have sex with someone, to regain confidence in the act itself and know he wasn’t going to just freak out or worse, to know he wasn’t going to fall into this again. Sex had been a drug, after all, one he had given up on more easily than anything in the world but it still was sex. It still was enjoyable, once n a while and Ardyn was like a candy he had wanted to taste for so long. Now he had the chance and Noctis didn’t feel like missing the opportunity.  
  
A simple hook-up with that guy couldn’t lead to bad things, could it ? Noctis hoped he wasn’t making a mistake here, he wasn’t even sure he was going to be able to do it all but Ardyn seemed ready to try and resisting wasn’t possible.  
  
His mind was set, Noctis snorted to himself at that and he raised his index to tell Ardyn to wait, he pulled his phone from his pocket and sent a text to Nyx, to tell him he might stay for a longer time in Ardyn’s place. To tell him not to worry. He truly didn’t want for Nyx and basically all his friends to show up just because he was going to enjoy himself with Ardyn. That’d ruin the mood, wouldn’t it ?  
  
The kissing was a little more gentler, when Noctis claimed Ardyn’s lips again and he shivered again as Ardyn’s hands settled on his waist, under his clothes. There was so much restraint in the man’s movements, as if he truly wanted to let Noctis be in charge of everything and Noctis couldn’t help but feel completely at ease with it. He was controlling the whole thing. So it meant that if anything was uncomfortable, he’d be able to make it stop. He didn’t need more to feel better with the whole thing.  
  
It was almost funny, to see how gentle Ardyn could be, when he hadn’t hesitated to touch his hole maybe minutes after their first meeting. In a car. With someone nearby. Had Ardyn been playing a role ? Or was he that confident, in the right setting ? Noctis wasn’t sure he wanted to know, right now, not when kissing already felt better than anything he felt in the last few months. And his skin tingled with each touch of Ardyn’s hands. Noctis wasn’t sure it ever felt that good to be touched before. Only touched, without even it to be sexual.  
  
Hell, it felt better than any kind of release he experienced before. What the hell was wrong with him ?  
  
But he tried to ignore it all, to focus on Ardyn himself instead. To his hair, that he was grabbing again, to the taste of beer on his tongue and how soft he was now. The previous experiences together didn’t matter. Only what they were doing now mattered and Noctis slowly dared to move closer, until Ardyn could become quite aware of his state. The man smiled in the kiss at the feel of his cock against his lower belly and Noctis blushed.  
  
“I figured you needed to calm down when you went to the bathroom,” Ardyn commented but his tone wasn’t mocking. “I could feel you staring at me. In a really familiar way.”  
  
“Shut up,” Noctis grumbled and he decided to hide against Ardyn’s neck, rather than face that heated look again. Ardyn didn’t wait long, before he mouthed his neck and left some faint marks there, along with some bite marks. But it was never painful, Noctis realized as he let it happen. It was never possessive.  
  
And soon, a hand made its way up his back, while the other settled on his lower back and Ardyn rolled his own hips, just so Noctis was fully aware of the man’s state. That was one hell of a boner, Noctis realized as he held back a moan. A painful one, probably. Ardyn wanted him so much as well.  
  
“Should we take this to the bedroom, my boy ?” Ardyn asked, his voice so deep and husky. “For the comfort of it, only, with no obligation to do anything more than kissing.”  
  
Noctis nodded. Not that the couch wasn’t comfortable, it truly was but he could remember that bed quite easily, it left a precise memory into his brain and they’d have more space to maneuver, shall anything else happen. Not that he already was thinking about fucking each other’s brain out, Ardyn also seemed quite aware that this could end with proper blue balls but .. Yes, the bed was fine. And before Noctis could get off of Ardyn’s lap, the man was already pushing them off the couch, holding him in his arms as if his weight was so light to him and Noctis smiled, kissing Ardyn again.  
  
Also, it probably was safer to do anything like this now, rather than when they’d be both too turned on to think of using the bedroom.  
  
The room hadn’t changed either. Noctis broke the kiss just to look at it, his eyes settled on the spot where he had broken down, during his last visit and Ardyn kissed his cheek to distract him from the thought. Ardyn then pushed him on the bed, Noctis didn’t resist, he found himself lying down, all spread out and he laughed at the sight of a proud Ardyn. He had wanted to make him think of something else and he had done so easily. Noctis could thank him for it but he didn’t have the time.  
  
Because Ardyn was climbing on the bed, and Noctis had to grab his shirt, so Ardyn would settle on top of him. The two of them still completely clothed and this too brought back some memories but they were only kissing. Ardyn’s weight pinned him down on the bed in a quite pleasant way, Noctis had to admit it and he was feeling so warm, to have someone else so close.  
  
It had been why having sex with Nyx had been so good, back then. Because Nyx never was just a hook-up, he was his lover. They’d spend entire nights at it and cuddled in the morning. Human presence, really. Not feeling so lonely anymore. It probably was what kept him sane, in a way.  
  
“T-touch me,” Noctis muttered against Ardyn’s lips, keeping his eyes closed because it was easier than to look at that face.  
  
“Where ?”  
  
A groan of frustration escaped Noctis' throat, he wiggled impatiently under Ardyn’s weight and eventually glanced at his eyes with a pout. “Everywhere.”  
  
“These hands are under your control. My whole body is yours to use.” Ardyn smiled. “You just have to ask.”  
  
Noctis was about to answer when Ardyn’s hands slid under his clothes again, pushing his shirt up his chest and touching, at last. His back, at first, gently, following his spine in the most delicious way, making Noctis squirm because the sensation was both pleasant and kind of ticklish too. His waist, that Ardyn grabbed for a second only, his thumbs pushing against the little round of his stomach that Gladio desperately was trying to melt with some hellish exercises. Then, up his chest, so slowly Noctis wondered if Ardyn was counting his ribs and he tensed in pleasure when Ardyn touched his nipples. But he only brushed against them, not long enough to make him squirm properly. That would come later, Noctis decided. For now, he only wanted to be at the center of the attention. Of Ardyn’s attention and only his.  
  
Sitting back on his heels, Ardyn helped him out of his tee-shirt but he didn’t throw it in the bedroom. Instead, he placed it down next to them on the bed, as if to give Noctis the opportunity to put it on again if he wanted to and his hands then moved toward his hips, giving a tentative tug at his belt and looking at him, a question in the eyes.  
  
Noctis only had to nod and his trousers soon joined his shirt to the side, along with his socks. And he was thankful his underpants didn’t.  
  
Noctis was well aware of his erection straining against his boxer, and the wet spot the precum tainted them with and he almost waited for a comment from Ardyn but it didn’t come. Instead, Ardyn touched his legs, the way no one touched them before, his hands slowly following them from his feet to his hips, like a massage but not really one. Gladio had massaged his legs before, after a harsh training so they wouldn’t cramp. This wasn’t a massage. This was erotic and Noctis shivered, each time Ardyn’s hands moved closer to his cock and his eyes rolled back each time they got away from it. A torture, really but a delicious one.  
  
“You look so good with all that weight back on your bones,” Ardyn muttered and Noctis felt his cock jolted at the sound. “Look at how beautiful you are, Noctis.”  
  
But Noctis was closing his eyes again, feeling so light in his body and yet grounded by Ardyn’s voice. He was feeling so aware of his surroundings, so aware of Ardyn’s hands on his skin, sending shivers all the way up his back and pleasure to his brain. He had heard about body worship in the past, he had tried it with Luna but Ardyn probably was doing this way better than he did. There was no awkwardness in Ardyn’s touches. There was nothing but carefulness and Noctis wondered, for a moment, if he could come from that only.  
  
Ardyn’s hands left his legs as soon as they started to tremble under his touch, they moved to cup his ass gently and Noctis bit his lip, he sighed in pleasure. He didn’t care for the rest, all that mattered were Ardyn’s hands on his body now and he hesitated to ask the man to touch his cock, the same way he was touching his body but he didn’t want to pop their bubble. He didn’t want to ruin the mood.  
  
Yet, kissing Ardyn again wouldn’t be that bad and Noctis grabbed one of the man’s hands to pull him closer, he kissed him again and Ardyn smiled. He knew the effects he had on him, Noctis was quite aware of it but he couldn’t be angry, after all. This, all this was feeling all too good already and he wanted to come undone under the man’s body but, at the same time, he wanted it to last forever. And he didn’t want to choose between both possibilities either. Which wasn’t going to help with what was supposed to follow.  
  
“Hold me,” Noctis asked and Ardyn smiled, he nodded and wrapped his arms around his bare back, carefully settling between his spread legs. Ah, that man and his precious body. Ardyn was going to be the end of him, wasn’t he ?  
  
Noctis took advantage of the fact that Ardyn was close again to touch back, unbuttoning the many buttons of his shirt and to touch his chest. That, his hands remembered the feel well enough, he remembered the softness of his skin, the thin stray hairs but especially the happy trail on his lower belly. Was that man perfect ? Probably, Noctis told himself and he had to tug at the shirt several time for Ardyn to finally give in and take it off. Now, that was too much, Noctis thought but he wasn’t going to complain about the sight. It was exactly like he remembered. And he wanted to touch every inch of that chest, and of that back and he would, somehow. Not right now, though. He was feeling too good to move from his comfortable spot.  
  
“Kiss me,” Noctis muttered, as Ardyn wasn’t moving anymore and he should have known, at the exact time that he noticed Ardyn’s crooked smile that Ardyn wasn’t going to do what he asked for. Well, yes, he was kissing him but it wasn’t his lips Ardyn was kissing. It was his belly and it surprised him so much that Noctis jerked on the bed and moaned hard when he felt Ardyn’s tongue taste his skin.  
  
“I really, utterly love that belly you grew yourself,” Ardyn whispered against his wet skin, his breathing sending shivers up his spine. “So appetizing. Just like that new butt of yours. Oh, my boy, I could taste it all if you allowed me ..”  
  
Another kiss on his belly and Noctis squirmed from under that weight, a huge smile on the lips and feeling pleasure burn his veins. All these praises, all the positive words Ardyn were saying, it was going to make him go crazy. And the way Ardyn laughed against his skin, the way he smiled and kissed his small tummy, again and again, in ways Noctis never felt before. It was like Ardyn was loving every bit of it and it made Noctis wonder if he was attracted to his previous body to begin with, the one that had thinned out because of the drug and the lack of food. But it probably wasn’t the right moment to think about it, was it ?  
  
Ardyn’s mouth followed invisible lines, kissing Noctis' ribs, then the tip of his hip, a hand straying just millimeters away from his cock, just close enough for Noctis to feel it without exactly touching it, Ardyn kissed the inside of his thighs, and moved to his chest again, hands on his waist and so focused on his task, so focused on what he was doing, on the pleasure he was trying to give him that Noctis smiled, for the time Ardyn wasn’t looking at him. It was amazing, to be here, and just feel things. And he couldn’t wait for the rest to come.  
  
The kiss he had asked for eventually came, Ardyn kissed him with all he had, his arms wrapped around his body and Noctis wondered if he wasn’t going to just climax from that. From attention and kissing. It would be a first, Noctis knew that much but he wouldn’t mind. As long as Ardyn didn’t laugh at him. But his body was feeling so sensitive right now, that he was having a hard time holding it back.  
  
“Oh fuck Ardyn,” Noctis muttered against the man’s lips as Ardyn was pushing new kisses all along his jaw and neck. “I want you.”  
  
“Is this only sexy talk or what you want to happen next ?” Ardyn teased and Noctis could have strangled him, really but his body was too relaxed to do anything like this. Another time, Noctis told himself. Not before he finally got Ardyn to fuck him, at least.  
  
“Come on,” Noctis muttered, looking up at Ardyn’s knowing smile. “You know exactly what this is.”  
  
“You gotta tell me,” Ardyn chuckled. “I want to hear your consent this time.”  
  
Noctis blushed, he looked away, trying to ignore the way he shivered at Ardyn’s playful tone and he huffed. “I want to have sex with you.”  
  
“Good,” Ardyn whispered, moving to kiss the crook of his neck. “Because I really, really want you too.”  
  
Noctis had to groan, when he felt the slight vibration of Ardyn’s chest against his as he spoke, how entirely erotic this all was and he pulled on Ardyn’s hair to ask for another kiss. But he froze when Ardyn’s hand strayed south, when he brushed against his cock in the simplest, yet most teasing way and he moaned against the man’s lips.  
  
“What do you want, my boy ?” Ardyn muttered, caressing Noctis' hair with his other hand. “Do you want to come before I even take you ? Do you want me to suck that nice cock of yours like the other time ? You loved it so much ..”  
  
Warmth spread in Noctis’ body, at the memory of it and Ardyn’s dirty mouth. That man truly had a thing for talking during sex, didn’t he ? But it was hot. It was so hot to have Ardyn ask him what he wanted and Noctis bit his lips, as he watched him again, he swallowed hard, shivering under both his hands, from pleasure and desire at the same time.  
  
“It’s all you tonight,” Ardyn continued, his lips against his chin and Noctis thought he could climax at that. “All for you Noctis. You just have to ask and I will provide ..”  
  
Noctis almost immediately placed his hands on his face, to properly hide this time, despite the smile on his lips and he giggled out of embarrassment. Alright, that guy truly had no shame and it was super hot but kind of weird too. Still, an idea slowly made its way to his mind and Noctis pushed his lips into a thin line, to try and hold back a smile.  
  
“What about I swallow your cock this time ?” he offered and he was able to see Ardyn’s surprise when he pushed his hands away from his face. “I mean, it’s really not fair, if I don’t at least to that for you ..”  
  
“You don’t have to,” Ardyn muttered, face buried in his neck and kissing it again.  
  
“I really want to, though,” Noctis whispered. “Come on, old man, enjoy yourself for a moment before you fuck me.”  
  
Ardyn didn’t have to be asked twice, when Noctis pushed him to his back and the two of them undressed him quickly until Ardyn lay bare on the sheets, his cock heavy on his lower belly and Noctis couldn’t help but stare, at first. He had imagined a lot of things, back then, when he had wanted Ardyn so much but he always had been far from the truth. Ardyn’s cock was really nice, thick just like Noctis preferred, his pubes trimmed.  
  
“Just,” Noctis sighed, glancing at the man and shifting closer. “If you feel like coming, just .. Tell me beforehand, yes ? I’m not sure I want to swallow cum ever again ..”  
  
“I will,” Ardyn smiled. “And don’t force it if it brings up bad memories.”  
  
The smile that tugged at his lips quickly lightened Noctis’ mood and he found a comfortable position, against Ardyn’s hip, all curled up on himself and his weight on Ardyn’s body, so he wouldn’t have to see Ardyn’s face at first. He wasn’t sure he could to it just now, it felt like a step to take later. He grabbed the cock with a steady hand, steadier than he imagined, he gave it a few strokes smearing precome all over it to help and he gave it a tentative lick, at first.  
  
Noctis had sucked his fair share of cocks, really. He had seen so many differents ones. Big ones, small ones, some thicker than Ardyn’s, some so thin it slid down his throat without even thinking of it. It wasn’t going to be as easy with this one but Noctis was doing his best. He only hoped his mind wasn’t going to play tricks on him. He didn’t want to remember.  
  
From the moment Noctis took the head in, he knew his jaw was going to be sore afterward. The thickness was forcing him to keep his jaw as opened as possible, if he didn’t want his teeth to hurt, yet he suckled on it almost happily, especially when he heard the way Ardyn held his breath.  
  
“Can .. I grab your hair ?” Ardyn asked and his tone wasn’t teasing anymore. Noctis hummed around the cock an affirmative sound and almost right away, Ardyn’s hand was tangled in his hair. He wasn’t pushing him down his shaft, nor setting a pace. Only holding for the sake of it and Noctis felt like smiling. It was his turn to have Ardyn crumble, it seemed and he had a good idea with that.  
  
Noctis used his hand, at first. Slowly jerking him off while he was sucking on the head only and Ardyn answered with half moans. Noctis could feel how already difficult it was for the man, he probably hadn’t expected anything like this to happen tonight and he now was overwhelmed with it all. He wasn’t in control, this time, Noctis was and he loved it.  
  
Then, Noctis pushed a little more of that cock into his mouth, wrapping his lips tightly around it and sucking harshly and it made Ardyn shudder.  
  
“Naughty boy,” Ardyn’s dirty mouth babbled in a breath. “You know how to use that mouth, don’t you ?”  
  
Noctis hummed again, his own cock begging for some action and he took more in, started to properly suck it. Noctis couldn’t deny he loved sucking cocks. Even now, even with all that happened, he enjoyed the feeling of controlling someone’s pleasure with his mouth, and his hands too, even if at a lower degree. It was almost surprising to notice how comfortable he was with it right now, after all that happened but Noctis couldn’t complain. And he wouldn’t have done it, had it been with anyone else. He wouldn’t have asked for sex, if it hadn’t been with Ardyn. Only Ardyn could have made him break his own promise but Noctis knew it was fine. Because he had wanted this for the right reasons. He was attracted to Ardyn, to that body of his and it was reciprocal. And he didn’t know how all this would turn out but Noctis was kind of happy his first time since that last incident happened was with Ardyn. Ardyn had been nothing but soothing and gentle from the beginning and Noctis knew it wasn’t going to change.  
  
Ardyn’s breathing became more and more labored, with each ticking second, with each sucking of his mouth and Noctis knew the man was close but holding back for him and enjoying himself like he probably never did before. He could hear him curse and swear and his fingers kept grabbing at his hair, gently or not. Noctis didn’t mind. He loved to see how a simple blowjob could throw Ardyn’s control out of the window and how he was fighting back to make it last. Or, at least, to refrain himself from climaxing right away.  
  
“Fuck, Noct,” Ardyn called, his hips jerking forward and forcing that cock deeper in his mouth. “I’ll ..”  
  
Noctis moved back as slowly as possible, a last torture before his mouth left the man’s cock and he snuggled against Ardyn’s chest, with a proud smile on the lips, waiting for his reward now.  
  
“You want to hear how good you are, don’t you ?” Ardyn muttered, deepening his breathing so he would be able to calm down. “Ah, my boy, you truly do wonders with your mouth. Good at kissing, really good at sucking. A shame we didn’t do that the previous times, isn’t it ?”  
  
Noctis giggled, shivering at the praises and he sighed. This truly was a kink of his, wasn’t it ? To be told how good he was at some things, to hear people praise him properly. Noctis shivered again quickly, and he pushed himself upward so he could kiss Ardyn’s precious lips, wrapping a leg around his waist. Almost immediately, a hand settled on his butt, still covered with his boxer and he moaned. Noctis wasn’t certain he ever felt more turned on than he was tonight. His whole body was aflame and it was so exciting. These so many new sensation burning his body up, as if he was discovering sex all over again. Maybe he should have sex only once a year, just for the sake of it ? Just to be able to feel that good every time it happened ?  
  
Ardyn hummed in the kiss as he pushed him on his back, deepening it eagerly and his hands all over him again and Noctis’ back arched, he palmed his own cock as it was starting to be really painful now. His whole body was tense in need and yet, Ardyn kept kissing his lips, and then his neck, his tongue so hot on his already heated flesh and he giggled because there was nothing else to do. Because Ardyn wanted him so badly, it was obvious and it was both endearing and surprising, for Noctis, to realize how Ardyn truly was attracted to him.  
  
“What do you think, my boy ?” Ardyn breathed out against his skin, fingers trailing down his back. “We can go all messy on the sheets and I’ll have you come in my mouth. Or I take you properly and fuck you into the mattress like I once offered.”  
  
“Do you always talk that much ?” Noctis laughed and Ardyn nipped at his skin. “I mean, I won’t walk out of here without you fucking me, this time. No turning back.”  
  
“So eager,” Ardyn nodded. “Did you really want me that much to begin with ?”  
  
“I .. don’t think I ever wanted someone as much as I want you,” Noctis had to admitted, a little stunned with his own words and Ardyn locked up, his heated gaze softening and he kissed the tip of his nose.  
  
“And I could say the same,” Ardyn nodded. And he was about to say more than that, Noctis could feel the words on Ardyn’s tongue but they never came and maybe it was better this way. Maybe it was better if they kept everything that wasn’t sex for later, for when their blood would be flowing normally again and their brains weren’t flooded with hormones anymore.  
  
“So,” Ardyn smiled, pulled Noctis with him as he settled on his back again. “Have you played with your ass during the last months or do I have to treat you like a virgin ?”  
  
Noctis blushed a dark shade of red at that and it was enough of an answer for Ardyn, who kissed his forehead with a crooked smile.  
  
“Fingers or toy ?” He asked and Noctis rolled his eyes.  
  
“Fingers. Prompto likes to search my room, sometimes, to make sure I don’t fuck up. Can’t hide a toy in here ..” Noctis explained and he didn’t move a bit when Ardyn reached for the nearest bedside table to open the drawer and pull both condoms and lube.  
  
“Why do you care ?” Ardyn asked in a sly tone. “Let him stumble on a whole collection of toys. It’ll force him to stop.” he added with a chuckle, as he was spreading lube on his fingers and Noctis wrapped a leg around his waist again when Ardyn reached behind his back and he startled at the cold sensation against his hole. “There,” Ardyn whispered as he was kissing him again. “Close your eyes and relax.”  
  
Noctis did just that, letting himself be engulfed in a new kiss, shivering hard against Ardyn’s body and he realized something important. It may not be the first time someone else was preparing him but it truly was the first time he wasn’t just lying there with spread legs or on his all fours. No, this time, he was snuggled into Ardyn’s arm and it felt .. personal. Intimate, even. It felt like it was just as erotic as the rest of it, when Noctis only ever thought of how humiliating it could feel.  
  
Ardyn was gentle, again, focusing on his reactions to guide himself through the whole thing. He stopped moving when Noctis tensed, he pushed a little harder when Noctis relaxed and soon, two fingers were buried inside him and Noctis shivered hard, his back arching, his butt pushing against Ardyn’s fingers for more. It truly was a sensation he had grown to love, since he started to get to know his body more, and not just from other people’s touch.  
  
Noctis couldn’t have opened his eyes even if he tried, as he was too focused on the strain of those fingers trailing against his prostate but never pushing into it. How Ardyn was being so slow, thoroughly spreading the lube inside the best he could but it wasn’t difficult with how Noctis clenched around these fingers. And it felt just right, like this, and not being completely finger fucked. It was more like a caress and Noctis moaned against Ardyn’s lips several times, asking for more, almost begging for more. Ardyn didn’t indulge him just yet, keeping his pace slow and posed.  
  
“Feels good, doesn’t it ?” Ardyn muttered between kisses. “Ah, Noct, I’m going to fuck you like you never were fucked before, is it okay ? I’m going to give you something you’ve deserved for so long.”  
  
“Y-ah-es, Ardyn, p-please ..” Noctis trembled when Ardyn added lube and a third finger. “P-please, please, please, give me that ..”  
  
“My precious boy, how sensitive you are now ..” Ardyn kissed his forehead, pushing against his prostate a little harder. “I so want to see you shatter right now but it’s not what we want, is it ?”  
  
Noctis quickly shook his head, because it really wasn’t, he wanted the torture to last, he wanted it to never stop. It was like he was coming with each passing second but without coming at all and it was so intense he wasn’t sure he couldn’t handle it for a long time. But he was courageous, wasn’t he ? And this was pleasure, and pleasure only. There was no pain, no discomfort. Only Ardyn’s slow fingers and his deep voice as his only beacon in the fog of his mind.  
  
“You’re doing so good,” Ardyn groaned and Noctis could have climaxed right away. He didn’t, though and he was almost proud of it. “What about the real thing now you’re all nicely stretched and relaxed ?”  
  
“Yes please,” Noctis nodded, not daring to open his eyes just yet and Ardyn kissed the top of his head slowly, he pulled his fingers away and cleaned them on his own shirt who had been waiting on the bed.  
  
Only then did Noctis looked around again, even if slightly stunned with the intensity of it all, he took off his boxer slowly, before going limp on the bed again while Ardyn was rolling a condom down his cock. Here he was, he thought and it was exactly what he had wanted, wasn’t it ? To have sex again with someone he could trust. To know that someone wouldn’t take advantage of him. To know that he wasn’t going to forget a single thing, this time.  
  
“I’d like you to be on top, if that’s alright.” Ardyn smiled, kissing his cheek. “I want you to be in control.”  
  
“Okay,” Noctis agreed with a soft nod. He wasn’t sure he could do this right now, as his body tingled in ways it never did before but he watched, as Ardyn lay down on the bed, comfortably settling in the many pillows and waited for him to climb on his hips.  
  
And Noctis did just that, one leg on each side of Ardyn’s hips, his cock already leaking precome on Ardyn’s body. Not that Ardyn seemed to care. The man was holding on his waist with gentleness, his amber coloured eyes darkened with lust and desire. Red blushes on his shoulders and neck, goosebump on his arms. Ardyn truly was as affected as he was with all this, wasn’t he ? It wasn’t just some random fuck for him, was it ?  
  
Ardyn did add some more lube on the condom before anything else and Noctis grabbed it slowly, he shifted his hips to aligned his hole with that cock and he pushed himself down, never looking away from Ardyn’s eyes. Except when his eyes rolled back, as Noctis worked himself down Ardyn’s cock to take it all in one go, rolling his hips. Oh it was thick, it really was but it didn’t hurt, to be fully seated there. On the contrary, Noctis could feel the quick orgasm building inside him and he decided that not moving for a moment wouldn’t be that bad.  
  
Ardyn didn’t mind. He kept caressing his hips and his thighs, as if to help him relaxed and enjoy the sensations. As if he was already happy they were here, being one with each other.  
  
The first move of his hips made Noctis open his eyes again, wide this time, as he felt every millimeter of Ardyn’s cock pushing against his prostate and his hole, taking full conscience of it and damn it was good. It was even better than that. It felt so pleasant to feel himself so full, now and Noctis wished he could just stay there and enjoy the sensations for how long they might last.  
  
But, at the same time, he wanted to climax so badly and he started moving his hips at a gentle pace, holding himself against Ardyn’s body and Ardyn answered by leaning up to kiss him again. Ardyn really wasn’t moving his hips, letting Noctis to set the rhythm himself, to take it like he enjoyed it the most, like he needed it and Noctis moaned as his legs trembled in the effort, making Ardyn’s cock push against his prostate. This was so perfect, he told himself, Ardyn’s lips against his again and his hands all over his body. It was exactly what he had needed. To be able to just take it the way he needed it. And from the look in Ardyn’s eyes, it was quite pleasurable for him too, to see him enjoy himself on his cock, and come undone on top of it, to know it was his body who was responsible of this pleasure.  
  
And Noctis continued, for as long as he could, even when his legs started to tremble from the effort, when he started to pant hard against Ardyn’s red lips, swollen with all the kisses they were exchanging. His body never felt that good ever before and Noctis wanted it all, he wanted to feel it all and he sat back several times, just to enjoy the feel of Ardyn’s cock stretching him, in the most delicious way and so deep inside him. And his blood burned his veins, as he continued to push on his knees, making sure he wasn’t going to come just yet, making sure he wasn’t going to come just now.  
  
Ardyn had been so right, this was nothing like he ever had before, and he was giving it to him in the most perfect way. Especially when his hips started to move because Noctis could barely do it himself anymore, his shaking body too sore to continue. One hand on his hip to hold it at the proper place while he was tilting his pelvis so right, his cock pushing against his prostate every time and Noctis gripped the bed’s sheets but soon remembered about Ardyn’s hair and Ardyn moaned hard against his lips as fingers entwined in his locks.  
  
“You’re so close now, aren’t you ?” Ardyn muttered, slowing down his pace and Noctis choked. “Shall I shatter you now ?”  
  
“Yes, please,” Noctis begged, his throat tight.  
  
Ardyn smiled, kissing him again and before Noctis could realize he moved at all, he found himself lying on his back. He relaxed on the mattress immediately, wrapping his legs around the man’s waist, Ardyn placed an arm under his neck to hold him, his free hand going to his cock to give it soft pulls and his pace even painfully slower than before.  
  
“That’s it, Noct,” Ardyn muttered, looking at him and Noctis couldn’t close his eyes anymore. “Don’t hold back. Let it flood over you. I’m right there to catch you.”  
  
Noctis panted, his lips parted, his hands trembling around Ardyn’s neck. His whole body was trembling, really, ready to break, and it was scary to feel something that intense, to feel like he was going to a place he never went before and tears ran down from his eyes, but Ardyn kissed them away. Because Ardyn was there, right there with him, holding him and he wasn’t going to let go. He just said so, didn’t he ? The thought made Noctis almost sob in need, he clenched around Ardyn’s cock and Ardyn’s fingers around his cock tightened in answer, until he truly shattered.  
  
There was no telling for how long it lasted. A second or an hour but Noctis stopped caring at all as his orgasm hit him violently and he started to spasm on the bed, low grunts escaping his throat. And it was intense, really, to feel his whole body react to strongly to it, to feel like he wasn’t in control of his reactions anymore but at least, Ardyn was there. Ardyn, whom he trusted without really knowing why, Ardyn who was pushing the hair away from his face and murmuring soothing words that didn’t quite make it to his brain but they helped him calm down, they helped him ground himself again.  
  
“Here we are, Noct,” Ardyn whispered, kissing his face and massaging his scalp. “I’m so proud of you, you did so well. I’m right here with you, so don’t worry my boy, you’re not alone.”  
  
Noctis moaned, his eyes rolling back as Ardyn still was moving his hips and he gripped at the man’s shoulders hard enough to draw blood, he called his name in need and Ardyn answered.  
  
“Come on, I’m so close too,” Ardyn muttered and he only had to push his cock in only once to climax to, grunting his pleasure against Noctis' neck, nipping at it and Noctis hid against Ardyn’s hair, holding his head just like that and making sure he wasn’t wasn’t going to move anymore.  
  
The two of them stayed unmoving for a couple of minutes, Noctis was still too shaky to move anymore and now, he could feel his strength leaving his body and his limbs going limp against the bed, without being able to control their fall. Slowly, he was coming down from his high and this was nothing like how coke ever felt. This was so much more intense, so much deeper, too. Even now, as Ardyn was kissing his neck, his skin was tingling, so sensitive it almost hurt and yet it was pleasure he couldn’t stop feeling. A pleasure like he never felt before, one he never expected to feel and Noctis trembled again at the idea of doing this again.  
  
With Ardyn, even. He hoped it would be with Ardyn. He couldn’t imagine anyone else making him feel that good.  
  
Ardyn only moved when it was time for him to pull himself away from Noctis’ hole and rid himself of his condom. He lazily put a knot on it, left it to fall on the floor and he pulled Noctis flushed against his body again, kissing him like his life depended on it.  
  
“It was so .. intense,” Noctis muttered after a couple of minutes of making out, as his body was beginning to cool down and his ass finally stopped clenching on nothing but air.  
  
“I know,” Ardyn answered, with a nod. But he kept kissing him, his fingers trailing random lines on his body, making Noctis shiver so hard.  
  
“I want to do that again later.” Noctis admitted and he sighed, as Ardyn tucked him under his body, as if to protect him, as if he was trying to keep him properly safe.  
  
“Me too, Noct,” Ardyn smiled, pulling the sheets on top of their naked forms. “Not tonight though. Not that I don’t want to but your body will already be sore enough tomorrow.”  
  
Noctis didn’t argue. He could already feel the pull of his muscles, he did quite an effort, to move over Ardyn, to please himself on his cock and it would be a wonder if he was able to even stand in the morning but Nocis decided not to overthink this. This experience had been mind-blowing. To realize how much his body reacted to Ardyn’s treatment, to things he had been used to do before. Because it really hadn’t been different than anything he did before. Except from the constant touching, that, only Nyx ever gave him before but not in the same way Ardyn had. Nyx knew his buttons, the ones that turned him on instantly and he used them to his advantage. Ardyn had touched all of him, he had touched his body more than he had kissed it and it reminded Noctis of something.  
  
It reminded him of him and Luna making love, in the most gentlest way, enjoying the foreplay more than they enjoyed the act. Could he even compare something like that to what just happened with Ardyn ? Did Ardyn make love to him ?  
  
Noctis quickly felt the need to distract himself from that thought, because he was starting to blush really hard now and he cleared his throat.  
  
“You know ?” he asked, instead, hoping Ardyn would catch the reference to that thing he said before and Ardyn nodded.  
  
“Cocaine numbs one’s senses,” the man explained. “It was your first time with a guy without its influence, wasn’t it ?” Ardyn questioned and Noctis quickly hummed his positive answer. “My first time after I was clean again was quite intense too. I didn’t cry, though.”  
  
The teasing was the death of Noctis and he moaned in shame, hid properly against Ardyn’s chest, only to have the man laugh and hold him closer, kiss the top of his head.  
  
“Rest now, my boy,” he advised, a hand back at rubbing Noctis' back.  
  
“You don’t want me to go home ?” Noctis muttered, already feeling too sleepy to even think of leaving the bed.  
  
“I won’t take that risk, with the state you’re in.” Ardyn sighed. “Besides, someone’s gotta look after you now, don’t you think ? Also.. I really want to make sure you’ll stay clean for as long as possible.”  
  
Noctis fell asleep before he could even answer, a soft smile on his lips and a hand wrapped in silk-like hair.


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is ! The epilogue ! That's why it's so short but yeah ..  
> 

The sun was shining high in the sky and the cemetery was more beautiful than ever. The peacefulness of the place was what Noctis liked the best, about his visits to Luna. And it wasn’t often when he saw other people, really but he wasn’t on his own today.  
  
He had his habits now. When Noctis was coming to the cemetery, to his fiancee’s grave, he always brought the dogs with him, because he was pretty sure they knew who was sitting there, under earth. They became so calm, when they reached the tomb, they’d lie down around him and start to fall asleep right away. Noctis always preferred to sit down, in front of the grave, enjoying the freshness of the grass and watching the flowers slowly grow and become more and more beautiful. Luna’s mother was the one taking care of them all. Noctis merely sat back, not wanting to mess them up.  
  
“Hi Luna,” Noctis said and his heart was heavy. But not as heavy as it used to be, not as painful either. He had found that the pain was fading, with each passing day and he had fought against it at first because he couldn’t forget about her, now he was plainly aware of her absence, he couldn’t insult her a second time after trying to kill his memories with all his abuses with alcohol and drugs but it was the right thing to do, wasn’t it ? Not to forget her, but .. to let go, eventually. To look back and stop feeling that pang in his heart because he was getting used to her absence. To feel like he didn’t abandon her.  
  
To feel that he had to move on.  
  
It had been a year since his very first visit and Noctis couldn’t tell how many times he came. Once a week, at least, more than that at the beginning. It had felt like he couldn’t come often enough, that he had to catch up with all the time he didn’t come or else, she would get sad or maybe think he never loved her. He had spent an unhealthy amount of time in this place, talking to her and sometimes expecting for her to answer. He had felt so disappointed when she never answered his questions.  
  
But she was gone and Noctis went through every steps of grief at his own pace. The denial, well, it wasn’t hard to figure out how Noctis reacted to it. Then, there was anger, mostly during his rehab with Prompto, when he was so pissed off at himself for acting like such a cunt. The bargaining never happened and Noctis fell into the depression phase right after his meeting with Ardyn. Because he had realized how it had made him happy, happier to have that date with Ardyn than he ever was with her and Noctis did mess up and try to push Ardyn away.  
  
Ardyn had been too resilient to let something like this push him away and he had given Noctis all the support he needed, invited him over often to speak, just speak, offering him food and being one hell of a help. Noctis couldn’t thank him enough for all the things Ardyn did for him. Nor for all his patience either. Hell, Ardyn had been nothing but comprehensive, all that time and Noctis never regretted going to his place, that almost fateful night.  
  
Except when Prompto called him in panic, asking where he was and what the hell he was doing, saying that Nyx had been too vague on the details. Noctis remembered well his high pitched voice on the phone, and how terribly sorry he had been the next second when he realized that Noctis was safe and between good hands. To this day, Prompto still looked sorry, sometimes. Noctis rolled his eyes every time he saw that emotion on his friend’s face.  
  
“I know it’s been a while but .. Well, I brought Ardyn with me,” Noctis smiled up at the grave, both hands buried in dog fur. “He’s probably nothing like you imagined, when I told you about him, I know he’s old,” Noctis chuckled but he looked up at Ardyn, who simply was standing next to him, his hands joined in his back and a small smile on his lips. “But I couldn’t help but fall in love with him.”  
  
Ardyn’s smile widened, like each time Noctis spoke these words, his eyes flickered to the side and Noctis looked at the grave again.  
  
“Like I probably told you a million times already, he makes me happy,” Noctis continued slowly, a small blush spreading on his cheeks. “I always thought I was at my happiest with you but it was a lie I was telling myself. Even after we started to date, him and I. I just .. I couldn’t admit it, I couldn’t betray you like this but .. I was betraying him, wasn’t I ?” Noctis sighed, rubbing at his face. “I was betraying his trust by thinking you might .. I don’t even know. Not approve him ? Not accept that I could move on .. Fuck, Luna, it’s time, isn’t it ? It’s time for me to just .. Stop feeling so bad each time I don’t think of you when something happens, something that you would have enjoyed. I think of him instead. You wouldn’t believe how much I think of him ..”  
  
A soft chuckle from his side made Noctis’ smile widen, he bit his lip and sighed.  
  
“And you know what ? He finally told me what his job is. After a whole year of dating and almost living together !” Noctis laughed, shaking his head. “He’s a brain surgeon. He used to work at the same hospital they took me to when .. when the accident happened. Now, he only gives free surgeries to people who need it but can’t afford it. That’s how big his heart is.”  
  
“Big enough for you, my love,” Ardyn muttered by his side and of course, Noctis blushed even harder but he decided to ignore him for now.  
  
“I’ll be moving to his place properly by the end of the week,” Noctis nodded. “I’m giving the flat to Nyx, he loves it too much to refuse and Dad is quite alright with it and happy he has a second son now. Ah, Luna, you should see them together, the two of them,” he giggled. “I’m jealous sometimes but I know Dad loves me just as much as before and that it won’t ever change. He just .. He adopted Nyx and Nyx is happy. It’s all that matters.”  
  
Noctis then focused a little on the dogs, trying to find his words and ignoring the tickling at the back of his throat and he sighed. “The dogs adopted Ardyn right away. I told you how they led me to him, that day, but it took me a long time to bring them with me at Ardyn’s place, for them to meet again,” Noctis nodded. “But they just settled there as if they had lived with him for years and they loved the whole place. Ardyn bought them cushions and toys. They just love him so much.”  
  
“I love him so much,” Noctis smiled then and his eyes flickered to the grass as if he was daydreaming. “When I wake up by his side, in the morning, and he still sleeps and I see how peaceful and relaxed he is, I just .. It makes me so happy. Don’t tell him but I have dozens of pictures of him sleeping. All sprawled on the bed like there’s no tomorrow and taking up all the space.”  
  
“That’s you, my dear,” Ardyn rectified and Noctis held back his giggles.  
  
“Dad likes him too,” Noctis continued in a softer tone. “He didn’t, at first. He kept saying that Ardyn’s too old for me, that if I was to date, I should go with someone my age. I think he was shocked enough when I told him I preferred guys but to see Ardyn for the first time ? It was too much for him to take,” he shrugged and smiled. “It’s getting better now. He’s being kinder and Ardyn told him that he wouldn’t let me go anyways. You should have seen the look on Dad’s face. I pray the gods every single day for my dad to never know about how Nyx and I fucked each other’s brain in so many occasions in the past. He’d probably have a heart attack.”  
  
“I’ve seen your brother a month ago,” Noctis then smiled up. “Still a jerk, I fear but he looks .. well. Traveling helped him more than anyone ever imagined and he decided to continue for now. He said he visited you so you probably know it all already but I just .. He spoke with me. Your mom invited me over for dinner with Ardyn the other time and Ravus told me that .. That he was sorry. Only that. I guess he needed it ?” Noctis chuckled and he rolled his eyes. “He carries a lot of pictures of you with him, he says it helps. I .. I don’t have mine anymore. Ardyn’s replaced it. But I put you in a frame so it’s all right, isn’t it ? I don’t have the flashes anymore and .. I think I could handle them a better way now. I hope I will, if it happens again.”  
  
“We’re going on a holiday, him and I. Ardyn won’t tell me a thing, he said it’s a surprise but I think it’s somewhere hot like an island because he told me to buy a swimsuit.” Noctis rolled his eyes. “Two weeks, we’ll be gone. And I can’t take my computer with me. He says I won’t have the time to write but I’m pretty sure I will. Can’t contradict the old man, though, or else he’ll have a stroke. They’re so fragile, at his age.”  
  
Ardyn chuckled at that, Noctis could almost feel him shake his head.  
  
“I think I’m half way through the story now. The story with the lost boy.” Noctis explained, petting Umbra gently. “The classes did so good on my style, it was a good thing I took them. That I didn’t go back to college too. Dad said it was alright, if it felt too much, that I’d be able to find a job still and I did. I work at that library in town now, where you always wanted to go but never did. It’s beautiful.” Noctis nodded his head. “I think that girl who comes every day is hitting on me but she saw me with Ardyn the other time, I’m pretty sure she understood what’s going on. I hope she does. I wouldn’t know how to just .. tell her,” Noctis sighed, trying to fight the blush on his cheeks.  
  
A sigh then escaped the younger man’s lips, as he leant back on his hands. There was a soft breeze now blowing in the cemetery, making the leaves crunch against each other over his head and Noctis slowly looked up at the sky. There was peace, in his heart. A peace he had longed for, for so much time now that it felt almost strange and foreign but he couldn’t push it back anymore. Like he said, a little earlier, it was time for him to move on and he was painfully aware that only his nostalgia was holding him back now. That and the guilt he still felt, from times to times but it had become a rare occurrence now. It only came when he was too tired, or too overwhelmed with his own feelings. Exactly like he was at the moment.  
  
But it was good, Noctis knew. It was time for him to free his heart and his mind from the constant overthinking. He deserved the peace, he deserved to go on without the constant fear of disappointing the first love of his life. Because he had been blessed with a second one. One that was so completely alive and deserved everything he had to give. Ardyn deserved all of him and Noctis had taken quite some time to understand it but here he was now.  
  
Because Noctis knew today was the last time in some time he would come at Luna’s grave like this. It didn’t mean he was never going to come back, really not but .. He’d come again when he’d have important things to tell her, maybe ? When he’d feel the need to do so, and not like it was an obligation of some sort. He had thought he owed it to her, because of his guilt and how hard it was to let go but he didn’t, did he ? Ardyn said he didn’t. His father said so to. Even Luna’s mother and only then did Noctis realize that he could move on.  
  
Noctis closed his eyes, after a couple of minutes and he shivered when he heard Ardyn’s feet move on the grass, when he knelt beside him and ran a hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head.  
  
“Come on, my love,” Ardyn muttered in that soft, gentle tone of his. “Waiting longer will only make it more difficult.”  
  
“I don’t know if I told her all ..” Noctis admitted, trying to ignore the way his throat tightened and how tears pooled in his eyes. “I made a list but it seemed so .. so small, compared with .. everything.”  
  
“It’s not like .. you’re abandoning her,” Ardyn smiled. “You’re only moving on. You’re accepting her death and the way it impacted your life and you’re saying goodbye, at last. You’re telling her that you now can live without her in a healthy way.”  
  
“I know,” Noctis nodded his head and he opened his eyes to look at Ardyn’s, for a second before he leant against the man’s shoulder and sighed. “I know.”  
  
“And you can always come back, if you feel the need to. You know I will never hold it against you. Never.” Ardyn caressed the younger man’s hair again, kissing his head and Noctis sniffed, he breathed out slowly and reached to his pocket, to pull a ring out of it. Luna’s ring.  
  
It had been a couple of weeks since he had stopped wearing it as a necklace, since he had taken the habit to tuck it away in his pocket. Seeing it hang next to his heart had felt wrong, now that his heart belonged to Ardyn, and Ardyn only. But he had kept it around, just in case he needed its soothing effect again. He didn’t. Weeks had passed without the need to grab it and instead, Noctis started to grab Ardyn’s hand when he was around, or to think of him if he wasn’t. It had been the last thing Noctis had needed to understand that it was time for him to come for this.  
  
Noctis huffed, as he was fighting back the tears, because even if he had made up his mind and heart, it still felt a little weird to him and he cleared his throat.  
  
“So .. I decided to bring you this back.” Noctis smiled, holding the ring carefully. “I-I don't think I need it anymore now. It was a good memory of you before but like I said, I have to let you go now. It's been enough time so .. So I want you to keep it for now on ..”  
  
Pushing himself to his feet, Noctis circled the grave until he was next to the place the lilies had grown and he used his fingers to dig up a small hole in the dirt and place the ring down.  
  
“Please don’t tell your mom I dared doing this,” Noctis laughed, as he was covering the ring with dirt and grass. “She’d probably kill me if the lilies don’t grow anymore,” he stated then sighed. “But here .. Keep it now, will you ? It was yours. It always was yours. I offered it to you, after all.”  
  
Noctis then stood again, he walked to Ardyn who was standing too and he smiled when the man wrapped an arm around his shoulders and kissed his head again.  
  
“Alright,” Noctis smiled, beamed, even. “I think it’s time for me to tell you this properly.” he nodded and he chuckled when light tears ran down his cheeks. “Goodbye, Luna. I .. I hope you’ll be happy for me, from the other side.”  
  
Noctis breathed out slowly, he wiped his tears and looked up at Ardyn before he called the dog and let his man lead him toward the cemetery’s gates in silence. Only when they passed the gates did Ardyn pull him into a hug, his arms wrapped around his neck while Noctis was burying his face against the man’s shoulder, arms around his waist. Noctis could feel how proud Ardyn was of him, even without saying a word. He could feel it down his core and he could feel how terribly calm he was. He had thought it would be hard, way harder than that to leave the ring behind but it wasn’t.  
  
Instead, it felt like the last thing he had to do, to let go of Luna and Noctis was relieved he finally was able to take that step. He was relieved he finally could move on.  
  
“You did so good,” Ardyn muttered against his hair, leaving soft kisses there and Noctis smiled. “But shall I tie you up to the bed to remind you that this man isn’t as old as you seem to think ?”  
  
Noctis laughed, heartily at that, he had known Ardyn would remember it. “We’ll see tonight, if you don’t fall asleep on the couch again,” Noctis teased and Ardyn pinched his shoulder.  
  
“It happened only once after a whole day with a person’s brain between my hands,” Ardyn reminded him in an annoyed tone but still, he buried his face at the crook of Noctis’ neck and kissed it. “And, ah .. I feel like I should make properly love to you again, for all the beautiful things you said about me ..”  
  
“That could be feasible,” Noctis smiled, thankful Ardyn wasn’t seeing how he was blushing now.  
  
Ardyn hummed, almost groaned his desire but he eventually straightened his back only to push his forehead against Noctis’ and pet his hair.  
  
“Let’s go home, honey,” Ardyn muttered, his eyes closing and Noctis rolled his eyes, at yet another cute name Ardyn was giving him. It had become a habit quite quickly, after Noctis accepted that dinner offer at the man’s place a year ago, even before they settled things and realized they were nothing but a couple already. And sometimes, Noctis couldn’t stop laughing at how domestic Ardyn was acting around him, still bringing him breakfast in bed and leaving little notes when he had to work early and sending him goodnight texts when he couldn’t make it home at night. It was so cheesy, so utterly romantic that Noctis was sometimes feeling overwhelmed with it all.  
  
But he couldn’t deny it. He loved it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end ! But it's not over !
> 
> What's to come is simple : Next Sunday, I'll start publishing my merman AU ArdyNoct ! It has 5 chapters. Then, the next Sundays, I'll publish To Hell and back's two sequels ! Yay, this story isn't exactly over like that, is it ? :D
> 
> Also, I've received some prompts on Tumblr that are Cor/Prompto so stay tuned for this as well :D


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